No one understands, I live my life by a simple rule...being respectful and I always get hurt. My doctor had to "scrape me off the sidewalk again" as he puts it. Why? Because I always put myself out there and I always get kicked in the teeth. I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread, I feel as if I taint every life I touch. When does the pain stop? I believe the pursuit of happiness is a wild goose chase, sure I can pursue it all I want, but I can't have it. Yea, every so often life gives me a little taste to tease me.

I spent 42 years of my 50 years chasing my sister (she passed in 02), trying to live up to my parents expectations based on her and most days I think she's still doing better than me. She got off lucky, she never married, never had kids, had very little friends and just slipped away into the night.

I have to stay here and endure this torture everyday because a handful of loved ones would be hurt if I was gone.

Besides ptsd I have a laundry list and one is a specific phobia of blood, doctors and the like. It's no simple thing, I found a loophole in my own madness and Wednesday I'm going for the first total blood work I've had since August 1981. (the loophole is they are going to take the blood from the back of my leg)

On the 17th I have my first 100% physical since 1981, I'm torn between whether to be afraid they'll find something bad or they wont. I'm always so alone, though I'm rarely physically alone. Is this what it's all for, to be a prisoner? Or is this really hell?

Why are there no answers? What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ask to be born, my real mother didn't want me so she gave me up (probably because I was sickly), I've been defective for 50 years stumbling around in the dark...where is the light. God tells me he is the light, why wont he shine some on me?