So sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. I've found that almost always there is someone here who has been through something like what we've survived. Someone who knows how we feel so we are not alone. Welcome.

Hi. Welcome. I am so freaking sorry.

I can, alas, relate. Ah, your dad and mine had some things in common, tho' mine didn't kill himself, nor use a gun. But the constant degradations, you're not good enough, my mom being all that kept me going and her protecting us (and us not telling the truth to her b/c hey, we knew it'd be worse when we did, b/c my dad on a bad day was bad enough, but get him in trouble with Mom---risk loss of his control over her, too? Oh, that still wakes me up screaming, no joke.)....

I can't shake the memories. THey show up. The thing is... we're not our DNA, or our parents. We're *our* choices. I hate the DNA I share.... but it's not, I'm learning slowly in therapy, who I am. It's DNA. I've been shaping me, and I hvae not wanted to be *that*, and no, I haven't been perfect, but... Scream it out, cry it out, whatever, okay? My dad didn't die till I was in my 20s, we'd been basically estranged since I was 17, and even tho' he's long been dead, I wake from his presence in nihtmares. Usually when I'm stressed, now. But... ti's just what it is, and I hate it, but I don't have to *fear*. Or so I'm slowly learning as I age. He's gone. He can't make me anything.

Gentle purrs from the puma.

I am so very sorry for what happened to you and your mother.... It was terrible .... I am glad that you found this board.... It's a good place to come to.....xo

I hear that EMDR can put memories where they belong - safely in the past. It is very effective for some people, and other people find it too overwhelming. Maybe you should look into that - it could free you from this horrible, haunting memory.

I'm so sorry you had to witness that at such a vulnerable age as well as share it with someone who was older and only knows first hand how an adult would feel it. What you witnessed is no doubt a shock to any age, I just mean you've had to live with a child's memory and we tend to take the way we process it as a child into our adulthood. I truly hope you have a counsellor to help you put the correct feelings and thoughts in order.

I'm going to be sounding cold in this statement so if you want to not read then please don't. I believe things honestly do happen for a reason, what that reason is is hard to swallow or even know. If your dad hadn't taken his life that day he might of known his anger could do worse than taking his own life. That's one opinion. Perhaps his sickness wanted you and your mom to have those memories. Either way it prevented further physical abuse that could of led to either you or your mom dead or both. He was obviously a defective human being that did more harm than good and his demons made him do what he did. Nothing you or your mom had done or could of done would of changed that outcome. If you both possessed that ability to help him he would of changed himself a long time before his death.

If you havent already maybe try writing a letter to him, one as the 7 year old you and one as the adult you. Compare letters and see where you've grown and where you're the same. It's easy to get stuck and hard to get unstuck but it will give you some idea of where you're at and where you need to work on your self love.

Thanks everyone for your feedback this does help indefinitely!

I don't think you will end up like him or you would not be so upset. I once read we are 90 percent our mothers. Glad you can vent here and I am sorry for what you went through. I have had C PTSD for a long time due to childhood trauma, the EMDR is the best I have done, the biggest changes I have had. Of course, the great people on here help too. PS, I like your name skii. Skiing is the one place I feel free

Your last statement stands out to me because that's how I felt about being molested. I wanted to forget but I never could...nothing seemed to work. I spent a lot if time keeping my mind busy and hoping the memory would just go away.

What I learned in therapy and recovery is that it doesn't have to go away. I just had to accept it happened and it is apart of my life experience but only a small part. Before recovery I felt the abuse defined me, it made me less of a person, that there was something wrong with me that this happened. The truth was the abuse affected me but the acts of abuse was my step dads to own completely it was about him and what was wrong in him and there was nothing wrong with me.

So through therapy and groups I was able to integrate my childhood more fully both the good and the bad. Then and only then did the memory go away. I never think about it unless it comes up in sharing. I had made that one moment in my life so big that it pushed out a huge amount of other memories. I compare it to going into a garden with a magnifying glass to view the whole garden. It might be handy for focusing on a flower or bug ... but if I don't put it down I'll never see experience the whole garden. Your life has a lot of beauty.

Acceptance is a huge step...it happened to you but it doesn't define you. It is a small part of a larger picture. I have done EMDR and found it helpful and other therapies and especially 12-step groups. It's comforting to know others have lived through terrible things and can still have hope and a positive outlook. Really is a miracle.

Skii, I can not imagine how you have kept it all together these past 9 years. This tells me you are a special young man with a desire to do what is right and you can stop this cycle of abuse with you. You can be a great father to your future children. I don't know what you went through with your Dad's abuse because I had a great loving, funny and happy Dad. But my children had an abusive alcoholic father. Did you know we (you & I) have a heavenly Father that loves us? He is always with us. I pray you find some peace in all this and put all your energy into learning how to be a great Dad and please stay away from alcohol.