Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I hate having PTSD... I feel slow. I feel like i cant concentrate on anything, and i feel like my internal dialogue is always going and i am always on high alert waiting for something to happen to me again. '
The reasons why i have PTSD are because, when i was 11 my Grandpa died at home, from being sick, and i heard his last breath and that traumatized me, and then when i was 13 i bet a boy and he became my boy friend and we were together for about 3 years, i had a miscarriage out of that relationship, and he physically,sexually,emotionally,verbally,and mentally abused me...always told me he had full control over me, tried to choke me while we were having sex, and forced me to do things while having sex that i didnt want to do.
I moved away from him, thats how bad it got, he tried to turn me against my family and told me my mom didnt love me and a whole bunch of lies. and then i started having panic attacks when i was 15. it was awful, i didnt know what was wrong with me. IT scared me. I went to go live with my aunt at 15. She took me in, she was nice to me, treated me well. I treated her like crap, because i went a crappy high school where people wanted to jump me after school. that also scared me. I had a few boy friends that liked to use me for sex... and things like that.
two of the most recent reasons for me having PTSD, would be because i just got out of a abusive relationship, seven months ago, with my one year old's father. He was nice to me at first, and then he started acting weird and everything turned sour. He started withdrawing from me. Yelling at me, and stuff like that. HE would scream fck you! get the fck out of my house...he tried to shake me while i was 5 months pregnant and told me not to cry to him anymore, he chased me once and then hugged me and said he was sorry, he screamed at me all the time and made me feel worthless,like nothing i did was good enough for him, he always put me down and all of that was while i was pregnant.
AFTER i had my son, it got worse, I remember when him and i were changing my sons diaper when my son was 3 days old, i was exhausted and a new mom, and he told me i was useless, because "i wasnt doing it right", when in reality, i was extremely exhausted and weak, he always said why are you crying stop crying, you dont need to cry," in a really unsympathetic way, and when i would say,' i just had a baby,'' he would say, OH big deal!".
He started poking fun at my baby belly weight, literally poking at it. Calling me chubby. One time he yelled at me for not calling the insurance company, he pinned me down on the couch and screamed in my face, and i remember screaming dont hurt me, please dont hurt me. over and over again. and then he finally let me get up, and followed me into the bedroom, i was laying down on the bed, terrified that he was going to hurt me, i was crying, he was yelling, I FCKING HATE YOU, finally he left the room, and he came back in, and said, I love you, i really do, in a very stern voice, but i am starting me to hate you, you dont fcking do anything, and i said, yes i do I take care of Gabe(my son), and he had the guts to say, Thats not that hard!!
He scared me that night, i remember actually putting a pair of socks on very slowly and putting another sweater on very slowly because i was going to get up, and go outside for a walk to run away....but then i realized i couldnt leave my son, and he wasnt going to let me take him, just like that. SO i sat back down on the bed, terrified and emotionally numb, shocked at what had just happened to me.
There were many other abusive things he did to me, but i wont go into detail on here right now. The one that stands out to me, is when i wanted to go out to Target and he was taking his sweet time like he ALWAYS did every time i wanted to go somewhere.
Well i was on the phone with my friend at the time, and i was also asking him if we were going to go yet, and i guess i annoyed him by repeating myself. He got so mad, he kept repeating, so are we gonna go now , over and over, like he was manic or something. So i said, im on the phone please dont yell at me," he grabbed the phone from me, hung up on my friend, and started screaming at me and he said, '' you're not on the phone now are you", he got sooo heated that he grabbed my neck and put his hand around it while screaming, " I FCKING hate you, i would kill you if i could!!", I didnt know what to do, the phone was right behind me, I was holding my son, i was very numb, i couldnt feel, i was shocked he did that to me. He terrorized me. I do remember him trying to grab my son from me after that incident, i was afraid that he would hurt him next, but he didnt. I didnt cry after he did that to me, i just felt so numb, and terrorized...
Im not with him anymore, i moved to another state with my mom. But i still talk to him and i have no idea why i do that to myself, because talking to him is a trigger. I know this was long, and i appreciate anyone who read it. Thank you if you did.
The reasons why i have PTSD are because, when i was 11 my Grandpa died at home, from being sick, and i heard his last breath and that traumatized me, and then when i was 13 i bet a boy and he became my boy friend and we were together for about 3 years, i had a miscarriage out of that relationship, and he physically,sexually,emotionally,verbally,and mentally abused me...always told me he had full control over me, tried to choke me while we were having sex, and forced me to do things while having sex that i didnt want to do.
I moved away from him, thats how bad it got, he tried to turn me against my family and told me my mom didnt love me and a whole bunch of lies. and then i started having panic attacks when i was 15. it was awful, i didnt know what was wrong with me. IT scared me. I went to go live with my aunt at 15. She took me in, she was nice to me, treated me well. I treated her like crap, because i went a crappy high school where people wanted to jump me after school. that also scared me. I had a few boy friends that liked to use me for sex... and things like that.
two of the most recent reasons for me having PTSD, would be because i just got out of a abusive relationship, seven months ago, with my one year old's father. He was nice to me at first, and then he started acting weird and everything turned sour. He started withdrawing from me. Yelling at me, and stuff like that. HE would scream fck you! get the fck out of my house...he tried to shake me while i was 5 months pregnant and told me not to cry to him anymore, he chased me once and then hugged me and said he was sorry, he screamed at me all the time and made me feel worthless,like nothing i did was good enough for him, he always put me down and all of that was while i was pregnant.
AFTER i had my son, it got worse, I remember when him and i were changing my sons diaper when my son was 3 days old, i was exhausted and a new mom, and he told me i was useless, because "i wasnt doing it right", when in reality, i was extremely exhausted and weak, he always said why are you crying stop crying, you dont need to cry," in a really unsympathetic way, and when i would say,' i just had a baby,'' he would say, OH big deal!".
He started poking fun at my baby belly weight, literally poking at it. Calling me chubby. One time he yelled at me for not calling the insurance company, he pinned me down on the couch and screamed in my face, and i remember screaming dont hurt me, please dont hurt me. over and over again. and then he finally let me get up, and followed me into the bedroom, i was laying down on the bed, terrified that he was going to hurt me, i was crying, he was yelling, I FCKING HATE YOU, finally he left the room, and he came back in, and said, I love you, i really do, in a very stern voice, but i am starting me to hate you, you dont fcking do anything, and i said, yes i do I take care of Gabe(my son), and he had the guts to say, Thats not that hard!!
He scared me that night, i remember actually putting a pair of socks on very slowly and putting another sweater on very slowly because i was going to get up, and go outside for a walk to run away....but then i realized i couldnt leave my son, and he wasnt going to let me take him, just like that. SO i sat back down on the bed, terrified and emotionally numb, shocked at what had just happened to me.
There were many other abusive things he did to me, but i wont go into detail on here right now. The one that stands out to me, is when i wanted to go out to Target and he was taking his sweet time like he ALWAYS did every time i wanted to go somewhere.
Well i was on the phone with my friend at the time, and i was also asking him if we were going to go yet, and i guess i annoyed him by repeating myself. He got so mad, he kept repeating, so are we gonna go now , over and over, like he was manic or something. So i said, im on the phone please dont yell at me," he grabbed the phone from me, hung up on my friend, and started screaming at me and he said, '' you're not on the phone now are you", he got sooo heated that he grabbed my neck and put his hand around it while screaming, " I FCKING hate you, i would kill you if i could!!", I didnt know what to do, the phone was right behind me, I was holding my son, i was very numb, i couldnt feel, i was shocked he did that to me. He terrorized me. I do remember him trying to grab my son from me after that incident, i was afraid that he would hurt him next, but he didnt. I didnt cry after he did that to me, i just felt so numb, and terrorized...
Im not with him anymore, i moved to another state with my mom. But i still talk to him and i have no idea why i do that to myself, because talking to him is a trigger. I know this was long, and i appreciate anyone who read it. Thank you if you did.
Take care