My birthday is tomorrow. I'm going out with some friends to a casino.  I've never been, it sounds like a lot of fun, so thats what I decided to do. The friend that can come is the one that lived with me earlier this year. She's and her daughter are on meth. They are both coming tomorrow when I get off work. I want to have fun but I also don't want to have to worry about getting in trouble the whole time I'm there. I already have a plan to talk to her about it. I haven't decided if I want to drink or not. She is a recovering alcholoic so I'm pretty sure she won't be.

I really just want a few hours off of everything that I struggle with just to be somewhat happy on my birthday. I have a twin sister, we usually call each other at the time we were born.  She was born at 7:20am and I was born at 7:40am. I love her and I miss my familly back home a lot sometimes. I know that they are a mess up there and I don't want to be dragged back into that but I still miss them.  This will be the fourth birthday that I've had down here, four years of not seeing my twin sisters face, of not sharing a cake with her etc.. It doesn't seem to faze her at all. I guess I'm just the more sensative one. 

I'm super tearfull today.  I guess it's all to do with starting this new job of watching my neighbor's kid and having to deal with my neighbor and her verablly abusive outbursts. My other friends, Sarina and Lori don't like her because of the way she treats me.  They feel like I'm being used by her and that it's not right to be taken advantage of.  I see their point, but I love this little dude so much, I don't care what his momma is doing.  I am only. doing this for him anyway, he needs someone calm, protective, and caring in his life. Kristin is a good mom when she isn't high on her medications. She buys tramadol and xanax off the street. She's on suboxone because she was addicted to pain killers. She does to a good job of taking care of his needs... This is a much longer story that I'm not going to get into right now.  

More about being tearful, I missed out on two birthday's this month, one was my niece at the begining of the month and one being Nate, my favorite nephew's birthday, which was tuesday. My nephew is having a get together with family and friends on saturday so I'll call and hopefully get to talk to some other family members. Last year my Dad forgot our birthday and we didn't get a card utill november. I'm just sad and dealing with all this without my therapist is really freaking hard! I feel like I'm all alone in dealing with my ovewhelming emotions. 

I need help, but I'm not to sure where to get it right now.  I have to go to work now.  I'll write again soon. 

Thanks Ya'll

PPW