Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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i been awake all night. have not been to sleep yet and its 7:30am. im wide awake and shaky. im not tired, i have been crazy, psychotic, hysterical, giggly, and crying all night. my mind is spinning in so many directions.
1.) my birth mom just got out of jail for drinking and get into bar fights. my birth mom lied to me and i just found out my birth father gave my birth mother meth, cocaine, heroin, to have sex with him to have me (give birth). she told me i wasnt post to be born but she couldnt do anything about it. i dont know if she is lieing or telling the truth, because it seems to me all she wants to do is hurt me. but alway and will always forgive her. i dont know why. am i an idoit or something.
2.) just after that all happend i called my adopted mom (Alicia) who hurt me too in so many ways and i told her what happend,i was angry and sad i started crying and i said Alicia i want you to know something im sorry for hateing you. im sorry i never loved you. im sorry we always fight, yell, hit, and threatened each other. before she could speak i said i hate myself because i blame me for all your problems. i asked her if she remember what she said when i got put in the hospital? she said no what did i say. i could tell she was getting angry but i went on, i said i will tell you then but this is your words not mine. you said that you wish i was never born, you also said i was toxic and you never wanted to see me again. all i heard was quietness. so i went on.. i said but Alicia some am i some kind of play toy for you. your the one who adopted me in the first place. then why are you complaining all the time? did i do something to you because it sure as heck feels like i did. i want you to know that what ever you say or do to me will get you know where in life so why dont you look in the Mirror and tell me what you see. because what i see is someone who needs help and cant handle themself so they hurt others and you never learned how to love someone right you didnt love my adopted dad (did you?).
3.) well i dont know if i was in the wrong to do all that...but my birth mom never loved me neither did my adopted mom.. so i dont know what to do anymore? am i a bad person for all that? should i be blaming myself? i just want to be loved by a mom. i dont get the love that i need. or is that just me? is this a crisis if not well it sure feels like it..
i am so sorry you didn't and don't get the love you so despartley need and deserve.
((((((( gentle hugs ) & Much Support....
What I've figured out to do with that gnawing need it left inside of me has been to be a parental figure to kids I find around me who are like me, in need of somebody to look up to. I started doing that at age 19 by getting a job at a local day care center. I needed a job, and this day care center needed somebody like me, so it got me started healing myself by giving what I never got. I went on to get a degree in teaching and I've been doing it ever since. It helps me live with never getting parenting growing up.
Blood relations are important, no doubt, and she is your mother, nothing can change that. Forgiving and loving our biological parents is biological and genetic, there's no helping it, it doesn't make you an idiot, just human.
The loneliness and the pain that results from the feeling that you lack love creates a "hole", which in turn creates an insatiable need for affection. Don't blame yourself, you're definitely not at fault.
To me, it felt like a black hole in my chest.
I managed to fill it to some degree by leaving home when I was 18 (legal age in my country) and doing physical labor jobs, the hard work felt fulfilling to a certain degree and it left me no time to hate myself.
When it wasn't enough, I went on to study medicine, which fills my day completely and serves as a goal.
Everyone wants to be loved, it's just part of being human, you must not blame yourself for looking for it from your parents.
Love for us is like water to a plant - if you don't get it where you are, spread your roots further away.
As others have said before, we always look for love from our parents. But I like what PersonalSpace said: "Love for us is like water to a plant - if you don't get it where you are, spread your roots further away." Hugs
Silver thanks again im greatful for your input.
Muji, and Space, thanks for your input also i feel for you both.
Simpson and Beatha you guys are so helpful to.
all of you make me feel like I'm not alone. you all have inspiration in things you believe and things that make you get through the day ..
i believe soon things will get better for me and to everyone that is hurting. but for me its going to take some time. but then Thank you all for all the support.