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I just posted this in the relationship group, however, since I have the added dynamic of having PTSD I thought I'd post here too if anyone can get through the length of it. Thanks!
This sounds terrible but I may feel the need to break up with my BF of 4 yrs because I cannot have his 15 y/o daughter in my home anymore, unless he agrees to his visitations somewhere else. It is such a long story so I will try to condense it much.
We used to get along great, we had custody raising her for two years as her mother up and left her for her new husband and moved out of state. Her mom has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign with her that was quite effective. Her mom has made many serious false allegations that all served to put her in the role as rescuing her daughter, yet at the same time, she left her with us for 2 yrs crying the victim and that we stole her! It was all just a big distraction so the child wouldn't focus on the actual abandonment, and instead secretly resented us. They invented a secret language to talk about us via phone using book characters and made up words, mom feared her into thinking we were plotting against them, mom had her collect "evidence" against us by reporting anything including the time dad made constructive criticism to her homework and it hurt her feelings. (All claims were thrown out in court and we were beginning to try to go after her lawyer for allowing the harassment through the courts). In our faces, and to her therapist face, the daughter came off as content and well adjusted to the situation. However, when we came across messages to mom one day, we saw remarks of her wanting to kill us both and lots of distress and anger that we never ever saw before.
Anyway, because the daughter felt so enmeshed and distraught over her mom's absence. ..(The child would have adjusted fine had mom not painted dad as a villain that is not safe). She started to tell people she wanted to kill herself by chopping her head off so that she could be admitted to a treatment facility. Her therapist said she was shocked and was truly surprised by it all as she appeared ok. She said it was an attempt to get her way to go to moms so if we wanted to avoid escalation, to send her, because if not, she will evolve her learned ways of manipulation. So now she lives at moms and was visiting us monthly via plane. Recently she is expressing she wants no visits. She is sweet and charming and because she is not being defiant her dad is not taking her request seriously. Well, I clearly remember what happened last time, she is now escalating again and causing drama but maintaining her charm throughout to dad while doing so. She again has hinted that she would not be stable if forced for a visit, sorta like a warning to us. Finally, while it used to be her mom using her as a tool to hurt dad by having her gather "evidence" I now feel with her being older, that she has now used that learned behavior to run her own agendas to hurt us, in addition to running moms agendas. The last straw for me was when I caught her snooping through my bag for my ID in my wallet and she had her phone as though she was capturing an image for some reason.
It is so bizarre because we do get along well. I just can't stand to feel like we need to bring our belongings in the bedroom at night, or lock our bedroom door when leaving to run to the store. It feels quite crazy. We have been through so much for her. I have been through enough in my life. The stress of this I cannot handle. I thought I could never tell a man "pick me or your daughter". I feel horrible to put him in that position and don't want to but I also have my son who is afraid, and I am afraid as well. She is his "golden child" and I was surprised but even he got chills by her last visit. He is so torn. I told him to just please do visitations by her for now but he feels like he is being a bad dad not being there for her even though he knows she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs to stop forcing visitations on a kid who clearly said she will self destruct if forced to. I think he needs to back off anyway until she wants him and he should join her in her therapy in the meantime.
Whew!! Sorry so long! This is weighing heavy on me for so long and not the kind of thing I can talk to about to anyone in my life, so thank you if you got through it!
This sounds terrible but I may feel the need to break up with my BF of 4 yrs because I cannot have his 15 y/o daughter in my home anymore, unless he agrees to his visitations somewhere else. It is such a long story so I will try to condense it much.
We used to get along great, we had custody raising her for two years as her mother up and left her for her new husband and moved out of state. Her mom has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign with her that was quite effective. Her mom has made many serious false allegations that all served to put her in the role as rescuing her daughter, yet at the same time, she left her with us for 2 yrs crying the victim and that we stole her! It was all just a big distraction so the child wouldn't focus on the actual abandonment, and instead secretly resented us. They invented a secret language to talk about us via phone using book characters and made up words, mom feared her into thinking we were plotting against them, mom had her collect "evidence" against us by reporting anything including the time dad made constructive criticism to her homework and it hurt her feelings. (All claims were thrown out in court and we were beginning to try to go after her lawyer for allowing the harassment through the courts). In our faces, and to her therapist face, the daughter came off as content and well adjusted to the situation. However, when we came across messages to mom one day, we saw remarks of her wanting to kill us both and lots of distress and anger that we never ever saw before.
Anyway, because the daughter felt so enmeshed and distraught over her mom's absence. ..(The child would have adjusted fine had mom not painted dad as a villain that is not safe). She started to tell people she wanted to kill herself by chopping her head off so that she could be admitted to a treatment facility. Her therapist said she was shocked and was truly surprised by it all as she appeared ok. She said it was an attempt to get her way to go to moms so if we wanted to avoid escalation, to send her, because if not, she will evolve her learned ways of manipulation. So now she lives at moms and was visiting us monthly via plane. Recently she is expressing she wants no visits. She is sweet and charming and because she is not being defiant her dad is not taking her request seriously. Well, I clearly remember what happened last time, she is now escalating again and causing drama but maintaining her charm throughout to dad while doing so. She again has hinted that she would not be stable if forced for a visit, sorta like a warning to us. Finally, while it used to be her mom using her as a tool to hurt dad by having her gather "evidence" I now feel with her being older, that she has now used that learned behavior to run her own agendas to hurt us, in addition to running moms agendas. The last straw for me was when I caught her snooping through my bag for my ID in my wallet and she had her phone as though she was capturing an image for some reason.
It is so bizarre because we do get along well. I just can't stand to feel like we need to bring our belongings in the bedroom at night, or lock our bedroom door when leaving to run to the store. It feels quite crazy. We have been through so much for her. I have been through enough in my life. The stress of this I cannot handle. I thought I could never tell a man "pick me or your daughter". I feel horrible to put him in that position and don't want to but I also have my son who is afraid, and I am afraid as well. She is his "golden child" and I was surprised but even he got chills by her last visit. He is so torn. I told him to just please do visitations by her for now but he feels like he is being a bad dad not being there for her even though he knows she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs to stop forcing visitations on a kid who clearly said she will self destruct if forced to. I think he needs to back off anyway until she wants him and he should join her in her therapy in the meantime.
Whew!! Sorry so long! This is weighing heavy on me for so long and not the kind of thing I can talk to about to anyone in my life, so thank you if you got through it!
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Or sadly, it's going to be over.
She's going to grow and change and hopefully realize she's being played, but that will take time.
Someday, this girl may realize that she needs help--or she may never know it---but either way? Here and "now", so to speak? IMHO---he either keeps his visits away from your shared home, out of respect for your concerns, or he doesn't have that respect. He's a father trying to do what he sees is right, so kudos to him for that, but you have a child too, so... only you can choose your path.
Prayers and gentle support to you.
Again, this does not sound like a situation that can't be handled any other way than breaking up. And breaking up with your boyfriend of four years, breaking up your home, is not going to do your son any good either.
Your husband needs help to work out what is best for his daughter in this situation. He is in a dreadful position which I'm sure you, as a mother, can understand. He needs to know he is doing right by his daughter to the best of his ability. And you and your son have a need and an absolute right to feel safe in your own home. Please try to find a solution that takes account of everyone's feelings and needs without drastic action. You need to support each other and work together, not pull apart.
*sigh*.
.
We actually went to the therapist (I insisted) who said it was ok that visitations not be at the home, and BF then agreed. After a while though he acted offended and hurt over "my daughter is not welcome here so I need to get another apartment, one here, one where she lives." He is being ridiculous and cannot see that. She is not going to want to spend anymore time with him just because he got an apartment, I know her. She thinks he is a burden, an obstacle at this point in her life. She wants him to back off. He acts like if he puts more drama and exhausts himself and us through the process that she will accept his love. He needs to relax, she is just not there yet no matter how much he wishes it to be.
Thank you for that, I agree, we need each other through this, it should not break us up. I have been there for him, even in court, even with false accusations to my son and new threats to my BF. Gosh!!! But he is falling apart because he feels rejected by her and is just being more needy to have her love. Ahhhhhh!!! I just need to scream!!!
So maybe try just pointing it out to him - "Hey, I know you are in a lot of pain and you feel helpless in all this, but be careful not to make me the scapegoat, okay?! Remember how I've stuck by you, etc etc?" IF he's like mine, he may not be able to hear you in the moment but there's some hope it will sink in later. Best scenario would be couple counseling.
Maybe if you express concern, as Donna said, that he's making you a scapegoat--- and also possibly ask him if maybe at this age (teens, I believe you said) his daughter is now old enough to make some of her own choices, and if he respects her wishes, it's more likely to "bring her around" than any big "proof" of love. I am so sorry he's insecure about his daughter's affections, but with her mom's BPD and its effect on her? Plus adolescence? Maybe he can stay in non-physical contact---compromise on e-mails, even Skype chats---becaseu in my limited experience of adolescents.... the more you tell one to do X, the more she'll gonna do Y just to prove how "wrong" you are.
You could also simply tell him that he can have his daughter at the house---as long as you have enough notice to arrange for you and your son to be elsewhere, along with your most valuable belongings. If he has to deal with her on his own, he may get a "scared straight" moment out of it ....
Working off what my friends with teens have faced, not to mention my sis and myself. as teens. I was no treat, but my sis was he** with double brimstone. I think even the *trees* were glad ot see her go to college.
Best wishes and good hopes for you. It's a hard situation.