By which I mean, I don't know how you can be such a genius! 

Hello everyone. Sorry for kind of disappearing since that first post. I feel kinda shit for doing it honestly, but I've been having a spell of depression, and though I've logged in and read every now and then I just couldn't bring myself to write anything.

So, basically, I never thought of myself as someone who could have autism. I guess it's because of the (as usual) dumb media portrayal of it. I always associated it with "but that's maths people !" and I was never particularly good at maths. I always hated it too, because I could never stand the cycle of failures you gotta go through to solve a maths problem and reach a success. In my life success was always expected, so that made the failures awful mistakes and eventual success nothing special(certainly not worth the humiliation of the failures). In fact I was told a few times that I could be better at maths if I tried more(and I hated trying) but I ramble. So it was once again suggested by someone that I might have an autism spectrum disorder(though Tropicaloo pointed it out first) and since I just didn't think it was possible I just pulled out my phone and did a test then and there to prove them wrong. It said I have "many of the traits associated with autism, but I thought that was too vague so I looked up another one and found one that also had scores and told you how to interpret your result. I scored 32. That's not even in the probability zone, that's at the lower end of certainty! And as I kind of found out more about it I kind of quickly came to realize that that's not likely to be a fluke, because I feel a lot of this stuff just describes me perfectly: do I find it easy to play pretend games? Hell yeah, I even still do it and it's what I use to outline all my writing beforehand. Do I often get told I'm repeating myself? Totally, I often feel like I need to say the same thing twice or thrice in a slightly different way to go on with my point. Do I like to categorize things? I literally think in categories. I've got categories for everything, to the point they don't make sense to anyone other than me. A lot of this stuff just clicked into place. Sorry if I'm making very little sense. But I just kept having crisis and bashing my head into the wall and lately I've been waking up with fluid buildup in my ears and terrible headaches and right now I'm also very dizzy. It looks like I have a cerebro-spinal fluid leak.

My parents have been awful lately. Every time they get angry they revert to just saying that none of my problems are real and the only reason I have them is because I don't want to "just get over it". They don't understand the most basic concept of mental illness and think '' I've gone crazy from too much good" because I never went without new clothes or shoes or stuff. They think because they go to work and are tired they're suffering much more than I ever will. They have no idea what it's like. They would've killed themselves on day 1 not survived this long if they were in my place. And yet they have the audacity to say they would've "just gotten over it''. They already lost all patience after witnessing only a fraction of how bad it gets and they tell me I do nothing. I hate them. They're going to drive me to suicide one day.

God my paragraphs are awful today. Spacing is so haphazard. Like yeah, the weird part is that knowing what I do now about autism I wouldn't consider it a medical condition. I lived with it perfectly well and happily until I was put into a situation that fucked me up. Did it make me more vulnerable to that? Maybe. But I wouldn't like to be any other way. That wouldn't be me. Is it interacting with my ptsd in a pretty shitty fashion? It is. I constantly have to drop things which used to make me happy because one trigger happening while I do them usually means the only thing they bring about any longer is flashbacks related to the trigger I had while doing them. I keep losing things to the anxiety and people of the past, even though they're no longer here. I can't ever do things that make me feel better when I'm having panic attacks because then the things that make me feel better become the triggers that cause panic attacks. I can't always ground myself when having a panic attack because the objects that I use to do so proceed to trigger future panic attacks as a result of reminding me of the trigger that sparked the first. I'm rambling by this point I think. I'll end the post here.