Hi everyone.

I do apologize for the long read.

I am going to be vulnerable and show you the list my counselor asked me to make. She wanted me to journal feelings from my childhood, flashbacks, thoughts or memories. It is SO hard to journal these and share them, but its for the best. By posting it here, I hope to find support and to see what you guys think(I often feel like im going crazy and I should be reacting this way)



Monday 5/18
9:00am
Got dressed now Relaxing in bed getting ready to leave
Trigger-D came to say hi and to say that we'd be leaving soon
Flashback- father pulling me out of my bed while he was naked
Feeling- disgusting. Tingly hands. I feel tired of fighting

im Taking a break from journaling today

6:15
Trying to rest
Feeling-anxious, insides all jittery, hands jittery, I feel very lonely. Abandoned???(I don't know why I feel this way) and sorrow

6:20pm
Im afraid and uncomfortable to come into therapy tomorrow. I know I need to be real and vulnerable. This scares me. I want to know why. I am usually capable of handling going through the day but my emotional strength feels like it's slowly leaving me. I am weaker and every day tasks that involve people or triggers are hard to handle. Now I don't want to talk with people, It hurts me to talk with people. Lately I haven't been a fan of crowded environments. I'm very frustrated.


Tuesday 5/19
9:30am
Woke up, first full nights rest in 2 weeks :)
Flashback-Father masturbating, sound of it. Visual.
Feeling- disgusting, ashamed, gross, dirty


1:30
During session
Flashback- father masturbating
Flashback-father pinning me really hard against counter. Pinning against door. In chair
There were more flashbacks but I can't remember them
Feeling- annoyed. Bothered. Out of control. Angry


2:30 pm
Drove home
Excited that counseling was good and I felt in control
Feeling- relief. Lighter.


Mother texted me out of the blue.
feeling-Suprised. Bitter sweet

3:00 pm
Texted a couple friends
It feels nice to be real with people for the first time. Just say this is where I am at and lay it down and not hold it in.

3:05
Driving
Fb- looking through fathers drawers. Finding old gross things and smelling his scent
Feeling- uncomfortable. I can still smell him it.

Fb- mother getting out of bed and father holding her on top him and rubbing her up and down they were naked. My mother didn't like it.
Feeling- dirty. Disgusting. I don't know how to further explain how I feel.


3:30 pm
Told K what's going on. She's not supportive. I feel like she doesn't get me. She's an emotional basket case so I should avoid that anyway
Feeling- abandoned by her(she is only here for me when she feels like it) annoyed. Anxious

5:00pm
planning sabbatical and planning to rearrange life.
Feeling- I'm excited but anxious. Face is hot

600pm
Trigger-Loud noise, blender
Fb/feeling- image of my house I grew up In and I was struck with fear of my father coming home. This image that was blocking my vision is in a lot of detail.
Uncomfortable, not at ease

6:15pm
Watching tv eating dinner
Memory- 7years old getting out of the bath and mom and dad would help me out and I would joke around every single time. My parents LOVED it.
Feeling-happy, sad, surprised(forgot about this)

Memory -11 years old. Hating/loathing to take baths, didn't have showers or locks on the door. Didn't feel comfortable with father in the house while showering
Feeling- horrible, insecure

Flashback- just turned 17 and father came in my bed, tickled me to the point of me losing control of my body and him touching/resting his hand on you breast/bra. His body was in my way and I couldn't get out. I yelled at him to stop and he didn't. When he finally left I was very distraught, shocked and devastated so I went to the bathroom(lock on the door by now) I locked myself in, gathered myself as much as I could and took a shower.
Feeling- anxiety, dirty, out of control to the point of despair. There's no words to completely describe how I feel at the moment.

Memory- the day after this happened I was very shook up and I couldn't handle myself at school. I needed help and love.

6:30pm
Hard to breathe, dizzy, chest and neck burning

7:00pm
Fb- same one from 2 days ago came back. father laying on top my legs and lifting shirt, spitting on my stomach. Still not sure if this really happened. I'm afraid it did. Little more detail this time.
Feeling- scared. Insecure. Mad, no control, father didn't care. Vulnerable

7:20pm
Trigger-someone put there hand out to grab mine real quick
Flashback- father driving me to school after masturbating and started to rub my face in car
Feeling- out of control(I had to let him I couldn't move my face) gross. Chest pain. Chest and neck tight. Tingly

Since mom sent me text at 2:30
She said that she was proud of me i was shocked.
The child in me has wants a hug and compassion from my mom. At the same time I don't want anything to do with her.

7:30 im done journaling right now. Flash backs and feelings keep coming and I'm tired of them. Going to shut them down.

12am
Trigger-sound of someone walking in the house
Flashback- visual like a movie of father naked and drunk getting Motrin like he always did right before going to bed
Feeling- uneasy, uncertainty, I feel nasty

1:15am
Trigger-D got mad at the dog and frustrated
Feeling- felt like I was not safe, I wanted to be alone and not see people at that point. Loss a sense of security. Weak and pathetic

1:30am
Laying in bed trying to fall asleep
Feeling- I feel like I did when I was growing up in my bed at night. It's bazar. I can see my old room in detail and I feel the danger(me being in edge) of my father being in the room next to me. I remember calming myself down and telling my self that it's going to be okay. Imagining someone genuinely caring and holding me.
Thought-this would happen a lot when growing up. Embarrassing now because I still do it. Makes me sad

Memory-When I was 12 my mom gave me Kleenex. I was overwhelmed with the idea that I might lose her(she would die) and so I didn't use the Kleenex,emotionally attached myself to them and kept them for years after that. For a while as a kid I was deeply afraid of losing my mother.

1:30Am
Closed my eyes and say my fathers bare belly
Flashback- 6-9 years old? I was in 1st grade. Father taking a bath and making me wash his back with soap. I told him I didn't want to do it and he made me. Often he was dirty from cutting the lawn without a shirt on.
Feeling-gross, repulsed, he made me do it so forced and jittery

1:45am
Trying to calm down and sleep. Playing the song mom always sang to me when tucking me in.
Memory-Mother singing to me while tucking me in.
Feeling- I loved that. Disappointed. Missing her. Longing for compassion and care

5/20/15

4:30am
Dream- friend died and for some season his funeral was held at my old church. I went in and I saw my parents. They don't even know this friend. While I was there with them, the whole time, they were talking about the future success of my brother and sister. How long he has been married, kids, and in the mission field. With my sisterthey stated where she'd be at When it came time to talk about me they were quiet, right before they said something, I woke up. I don't think they were going to say anything about me.
Feeling- scared. It felt real, I don't like seeing my father unexpected. I don't understand the dream but once again my father underestimates me and doesn't care how I do in the future. He brags about Laura and Roy all the time. I wonder if I am worthless to him now. He never instilled in me a bright future. I'm really sad

8:45am
Woke up thinking about my mom

11:30am
Figuring out details of sabbatical
Makes me very nervous. To the point of me going into avoiding mode. I'm not as strong as I was. 3 weeks ago this would have been no problem. I'm scared to do this.

11:45am
i'm feeling nauseous.
Really Bad anxiety

1:00pm
Been with friend today
Feeling-trying to stay busy but, Overwhelmingly sad and unsure of myself

3:00pm
K is in a bad mood(like usual). Taking it out on me and telling me what I do wrong.
Thought- the dream I had last night and that not many people believe in me. I screw up a lot.
Feeling- high anxiety. Pain in chest. Still pretty down. I'm to weak to handle this right now. She's letting me down.

3:30pm
It hurts to breath. Especially breath in deep.

4:30pm
putting the dishes away
Urge- I had a more than slight urge to cut myself. It horrifyingly scared my that I enjoyed the feeling of the blade of the knife I had grabbed.
Feeling- sick to my stomach. Disappointed in myself. I won't do it but I still the thought and urge from the past is back.

5:00pm
Sharp pain in my chest

7:30-12:30
I told My good friend what's going on with me. I opened up to her in a way I have never had. Surprisingly after I had opened up, she did the same.
Feeling- Starting to get that I'm actually not alone. It was really hard to open up but I'm glad I did and I was relieved. I'm afraid I'll overwhelm her and lose a best friend. At the moment I feel connected and closer to her.

1:00am
I forgot to eat all day
My stomach is in a lot of pain

1:12am
Bickering with D. He got upset and frustrated, hurt that I'm so hurt.
Feeling- wanting to go anywhere but talking to him. Felt like my father was yelling at me(D wasn't yelling). I can't handle aggressiveness. It makes me crumble


2:40am
Overwhelming feeling of sadness. I don't know why.

5:00-6:00am
Feeling-restless, not in control

5/21/15

9:30am
Feeling- extreme vulnerability, exposed, not safe, dirty


This is what my life has looked like in the past Week. Does anyone else deal with the around the clock torture?

Thank You,
Razzy