Hi Ozmum62

First of all: I see you care for your daughter and are doing your best to help her and that is worth everything. It always touches me to read that. Thank you.

I suffer from chronic PTSD and depression, used to fight suicidal thoughts constantly and dissociated a lot. I can't say I've overcome it completely but I'm getting better.

Giving advise here is difficult, I try to tread carefully. Also, maybe I'm telling you things you've already heard 1000 times, in that case I'm sorry.

I've come to understand and treat dissociation not as an enemy who's getting in my way but as a friend who once helped me survive and still tries to do that. It's not adequate now, it does hinder me and I get frustrated and angry with it but I also see I needed the dissociations. Sometimes I picture that friend as standing in front of me and I say: "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm not in the same situation anymore. There's no need for you to protect me in that way now."
This kind of acceptance for dissociation is very difficult to achieve, I find it hard myself but I also find it helpful when I can manage it. Maybe, if you think it might be useful, you can support your daughter in that by letting her know that you don't judge her, that you love her as much when she dissociates as when she doesn't. I'm just expressing my thoughts about it, you know best what's to do.

Supporting thoughts to you and your daughter.

Thanks Beatha. Acceptance seems to come through as a common thread from the reading I have done on dissociation.

Helping to put it in perspective and see it as a strength and survival tactic can only help.

It sounds like she has a lot of support. I did not and I still made it. Dissociating saved my life. She will get there when she’s learned enough and believes she’s safe enough. I’m 14.5yrs out of my childhood home, primary trauma. I experienced two traumas the year I left. I’m in a much better place now than I was even five years ago, but I’m still not okay. I know Id never act on any of my suicidal thoughts and when I need to I talk about them, but they’re still a part of my life. Ptsd, depression, anxiety, and everything that comes with those things are all still a part of my life - but I’m okay now. I hung in there and I did it with no support. I hope your daughter can do this with your help. I’m glad she has you. I would encourage you to seek counseling and attend a support group with a 12 step program. In your position you have every reason to belong there. There’s a religious program called Celebrate Recovery that defines itself as being for hurts, habits and hangups. It’s very common for parents/spouses/children of people in recovery to attend and participate. Best of luck to you. My advice is to listen, not try to fix. Do not pressure her. I have never felt safe with people who think they know what I need, even when their intentions were pure.

Thank you for your replies. Encouraging to hear about feeling safe and the acceptance of her dissociation as being the first steps towards moving forward. Dissociation has become such a part of life in the last 12 months after several other traumas, including suicides in a short period of time of several people she knew.

It is so hard when dd pushes me away if I try to hug her and tells us to leave. It is scary, and I feel so helpless. Having ptsd myself, which was only recently diagnosed, control is a big part of my life and I do find it very difficult to not go into problem solving mode. So hard to watch your child hurt so much, but I am learning to back off and be a support rather than a problem solver.

We are doing a dbt course with our other daughter which is very helpful in her situation.

Will see about the Celebrate Recovery. Not sure if we have it here. My husband and I are also in therapy. I am trying hard to work on my own past and then we end up with a crisis on the home front again. Hard to get any traction.

Thanks again for listening and reaching out.

I'm glad you're in therapy yourself, Ozmum. Working on your own triggers is a great thing you can do for all your family.

Wish you strength and support, for all of you.

Hello Ozmum62,
I am sorry for your daughter’s plight. These are great advice that were posted here. Sometimes suicide is also rooted in having no hope in life. Celebrate Recovery is a great suggestion. If it is not accessible to you, Hoving Home is another alternative. They are in New York, California, Nevada, New Jersey. I have met women who attest to their recovery. Being surrounded by loving people to help the person has a powerful impact. This is also a faith-based organization. Our culture today tries to discredit the power of faith in our lives. But a lot of people recover after being assured that they are valued and have unimaginable worth and that they have a purpose in life. This gives many people hope, a will to live and a desire to be significant. I hope that your situation turns around.

What Beatha wrote here speaks for me and my dissociating: "I've come to understand and treat dissociation not as an enemy who's getting in my way but as a friend who once helped me survive and still tries to do that. It's not adequate now, it does hinder me and I get frustrated and angry with it but I also see I needed the dissociations."

I'm not past dissociating completely, either. What has helped me with its lingering effect has been, rather than just putting my focus on dissociating along, to address also what led to my need to dissociate in the first place. Using the word "need" is important to me, too, because it supplied a need for a means of survival at the time I began using it. As Beatha says, as much as it may frustrated me now (and I admit that it does) it is not an enemy, it is my friend, a holdover from the days when I needed it just to get by.
:

Lost my earlier response so will try again.

Had quite a good talk about dissociation with my therapist, so in addition to the insights from people here I feel as though I have a better understanding of it and its role in helping people or not.

Dd has been admitted to a different mental health ward and is keen to get out asap as it has the most severe cases in it, including prisoners and addicts, though I am sure there is segregation. We r meeting with her treating team tomorrow. As keen as dd is to come home, I am not sure that anything has changed and she will just end up in hospital again in a short period of time. Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Anyway, thanks again for taking time to reach out.

Hope I am not repeating much of what has been said. I have complex PTSD and am very prone to dissociation. For me the trauma that provokes dissociation often stirs the negative voices that urge self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I have been in therapy for two years, with an EMDR therapist for the trauma and a behavioral therapist for other issues. Took a while but I am learning to recognize dissociation and ground myself in the present. I am also learning to recognize the triggers and thought patterns of the past that make me want to self-harm or suicidal. With hard work, I am 6mos without self-harm. Both therapists recognize the dissociation and help pull me back. The other thing that has helped is a negative thoughts sheet. I wrote the negative thoughts and triggers, wrote a counter positive response that I believed, and my reasons for wanting to stop self-harming. I can read it when I am struggling. I also have a playlist I put together. Starts off rough to reflect the anger and hopelessness I feel and progressively becomes more positive with the last song being a reminder that I am valued and awesome. If your daughter likes music maybe that would help?
Hope this was helpful and sending you positive vibes as you continue to support her.

Hi again. Today went well. Met with dd's treating team and agree with their approach. Dd is in a beter space and working hard to get back into a normal life, whatever that is. She has come up with a way to work through things in therapy instead of dissociating. She writes things down in the session instead of trying to speak. It is a step forward.

Dd came home on day leave and will have leave over the weekend. All being well she should be discharged on Monday.

One big issue is that because she and her sister were abused together their relationship is very fragmented and they trigger each other. Hoping to get to a point this year where they can work on their relationship with a mediator so that living under the same roof is a peaceful option.

Hugs and thanks to all.