Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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mayday101 10/10/2011

Hey,

I don't really know how to phrase this but it is something that I have been thinking about recently so i will give it a go. I have been drinking a lot lately, this is something Ihave had problems with in the past and I have been smoking more (and now I think I have a chest infection). Then yesterday I ended upin a church (I'm not religuos but am sometimes into spirtuality) and it made me want to cry. There was a choir and it sounded so pure and it was like I didn't belong there,like I would pollute it or something. Its like I continue to do things that are 'bad' because thats how I feel I am and that I could never be good or pure, I'm not sure I'd even want to but wondering if I am selling myself short and why.

deleted_user 10/10/2011

I think you are selling yourself short. People always talk about the negative things about themselves, like it is the only interesting thing about them. I also think people always need to tell a story, and the more negative the better because it is juicier. I tell myself I am awesome all the time, it helps. I would never go to a church to feel good about myself, that place just reminds you of all your faults. If I ever do step foot in that place it is strictly for entertainment purposes like kids christmas concerts and bingo lol stuff like that. I am religious and spiritual but the God house leaves me lost and quite frankly bored as fuck.

JournalReader 10/10/2011

I will cry when something taps into my own sense of sentimentality. I read somewhere on DS that it's actually a stress reaction.

As for drinking and smoking, do you think you could be self-medicating? I find that when I use substances in an unhealthy manner, I'm really feeling a lot of shame - which is where I'm kind of used to being.

JessicaChase 10/11/2011

mayday101, God loves you just the way you are. Jesus died on the cross for our sins even when we were still sinning and will continue to sin. Don't let those self rightious people look down on you. "Blessed is the broken hearted!" I'm glad you went to church because you did it for you not for show like some people do. Hang in there. You are loved! We are all continuing to grow in faith to faith. :)

nelliefay 10/11/2011

Hi, speaking from experience, if you're drinking heavily, that would make everything seem worse. Alcohol is a depressant, and heavy use also creates more anxiety. Among other things. If you can stop, you'd find yourself feeling better. If you can't stop, or can't just have one or two, you might like to check out AA.

deleted_user 10/11/2011

Your presence would never pollute anything. No one is perfect and you have as much right as anyone to be there. I sing with the praise and worship in my church and i know how much I struggle, but I also know God sees my heart and when I cry out to Him, he gives me peace. Sometimes that comes in the form of tears. You are worth a lot and it really is not about being religious, it is about having faith in Him. At least for me. We all do things that are bad, you are not alone. Hopefully you feel better. Take care.

mayday101 10/11/2011

thanks for all your responses,my head feels a bit busy to say much right now except I appreciate being heard,
M

deleted_user 10/11/2011

I am sorry you feel so bad. I think u may want to consider some serious counseling. Even a intensive outpatient dual-dx program would be good for you or a mental health day program. u need to be around people that can help you help yourself

deleted_user 10/12/2011

What has kept me away from too destructive beahviour is that i like to feel clear and healthy......It anger me to think i would be destroying myself on SOMEONE elses account...

Why must you destroy yourself on someone elses account? is not about being poor or doing wrong or right.Its about you want to feel good (not even 'good about yourself") just good.

deleted_user 10/12/2011

Not poor i meant good...

deleted_user 10/12/2011

I wrote to you on another post about looking at a lot of trauma images. In that post I talked about different parts of the personality. I won't repeat that here. But because your reply to me then was that the thought of this 'child' inside you immediately made you feel sick and upset. It's this statement that makes me feel that you have some very intense emotions about your rape that you have not processed. I think you stay in your head where you can be in control. But the terrible feelings keep trying to surface, so you're smoking and drinking to keep the pain and emotion at bay. I urge you with the strongest language I can, I urge you to talk to a therapist about these painful and deep emotions you keep trying to avoid. Your feelings will keep pushing on you until they will surface eventually. If you're with a therapist when it happens you will be much safer and able to handle the pain better. I get the sense of how painful these feelings are for you or you wouldn't be trying to avoid them.

We all know that the horrific thing that happened to you can keep you in pain for a very long time. If you don't process you're feelings the pain will last forever. Sorry. Take care.

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