I'm so sorry you are feeling ths way. I totally relate right now. I do know that I feel several different ways all in one day. I hope your day starts getting better. Writing helps alot of people.

I can also relate to how you feel. All I know is that the feeling of being worthless is due to the trauma and the bad things that happened to me. I am trying to have hope that, eventually, I will feel good again. I am working on feeling my feelings so I don't feel numb.

I am saying to myself, "I am living for the hope that I will feel love again some day."

I mentioned this exact feeling to my therapist.

She had me thinking about how many things have to occur in order for a life to happen. So many things must have been in place for you to be here, Brain. If you think about how a life originates then maybe it would help?

I also examined childhood and realized that there was a lot of resentment towards me for being born. Those feelings of not feeling worthwhile weren't all my own. My parents both told me they should not have had me.

Has anyone said something like that to you or did you get a sense you were unwanted when you were young?

i know what you mean, i have felt like a cripple for many years, not like you perhaps, but i understand. i don't think people who have not been through it are capable of understanding, it's like trying to explain red to someone who's been blind since birth. it's such a completely different world when you have parents who care about you, the difference in what we experience and the way they experience life is as drastic as it gets. this is i think the core of what makes it hard for us to find our meaning, and then it is complicated more for people who don't want to take the pre-packaged meanings given by religion and societal mores. i feel i'm getting close to mine, i've been struggling for it for years, and i don't have it yet, but i know i need to find it and decide for myself what means something. because really, there are no meanings, not in the sense that most people like to believe, there are no universal truths, everything is random, there is no ultimate plan, meaning is what you determine it to be for yourself, without regard to society, religion, morals, or anyone unconnected to you. this path is not as easy, but really is freeing and opens up possibility for real fulfillment, rather than trying to force yourself to conform to someone else's meaning. there are things to fight for and things to fight against. maybe imagine what you would do if you had the ability to do more. i give up sometimes and feel i'll never be able to do anything, but my family does need me, so i keep trying. yours needs you too. sometimes i think it would be enough if i just get myself healthy and make a better life for myself and my family. it's hard to work toward meaning when you can't even see yourself being well, so that may be part of it. i am finally to the point where i can see myself being well, and it is easier to feel there may be meaning for me now. maybe that is enough meaning, to get well and to then shine a light to help others if i can.

I agree with softmonkey that those that haven't been through it really can't understand it. As far as finding some meaning, have you tried volunteering for some cause? I volunteer with our local Free Clinic and I find that there is nothing that makes me feel better than helping someone that needs it. Just a thought.

I agree with all of this. Be careful if you chose to volunteer on what you decide to work in that might be triggering. I did an internship with Human Trafficking victims and it was pretty damaging to me. Worthwhile cause but not good for me.