Thanks, Doo. I just wanted to hear from my friends here at DS PTSD before I went to bed. You help me to turn over a new leaf to a new present day tomorrow and let this one with its headline be in the past.

Wow. What a mixed bag of emotions this brings. i am so sorry you are feeling the pain of those past days.

The news is so fresh tonight and you haven't had time to process, only react. You are a brave man and a strong fighter. You survived so much and then you thrived. You will get through this too. You have gone through the worst part, the real events years ago. You overcame then so how could you do any less now?

I will keep you in my thoughts. Wishing you calm and peace tonight.

Hugs...you are healing slowly. The countries where terrible things happened? They are healing. The people are collectively healing. This on the news is part of the collective work to face the past and heal.
Your own work is not separate from that journey. Humanity is collectively and very slowly trying to wake up.

I'm so sorry.

Media, be damned. If it bleeds, it leads.

I don't know why some of the "news" is run. It's so subjective.

And from NPR...

In three weeks? What about school? How long will you be there?

Any way to brace yourself for it? I've got no experience in this area. Will you have an agenda or itinerary? Any way to plan things to keep you focused and not as suseptible to the news?

Hugs.

Muji, I'm so sorry. Do u have to go back and visit? Something that helps me when I'm overwhelmed with triggers is try to stay grounded in the moment. I remind myself that the trauma is over, I'm safe now and that I can get through this temporary shity time. I believe in you and I know you can do this. Hugs!

Oh Muji....

I rejoice in your survival of those times even as I understand how those grandmothers felt and feel, in my own very limited way.

My mom's cousin made a trip to Poland a few years ago to find the family.
We knew who'd survived the Nazis and WW2.
But the Soviets? Not so much....
He spent three months seeking even a hint but... nobody left evidence. And so all he found were more questions. The surviving relatives tehre? Who hadn't emigrated to Canada? Were hoping that as an American he might somehow know the answers.

The few he found were welcoming and glad ot reconnect, but they focused mostly on the dangers of having Russia for a neighbor, and the fact that their past cannot be escaped. The hsitory is so entangled in the natioanl psyche---it's as reflexive as sneezing, really...

We should not forget the dictators who did harm. Not the Hitlers or the Ceaucescus, or the Amins or so on--- but healing from their regimes? Makes memory so painful.

Balancing memory and pain to find healing? To move forward without forgetting the lessons of the past? IT's such a struggle for my Polish family, whether here or back in Poland. Even seeing Putin on th enews can trigger my mom into fear of Armageddon, an dsh ewas born in the US, raised in the US. I don't do much better.

The cultural legacy of dictators and tyrants is often hope, but it does come with pain, and I wish you did not have to experience this.

As Pollyanna as it sounds, maybe it's better to have heard this on NPR than to have seen it when you got off the plane in the airport? This way you're aware that there are still things unhealed in the country, as in yourself?

I'm just rambling. I arely slept and am viewing this through the lens of my own family's experiences as Poles. We finally figured out that this one document my grandma had in her possession? Was a list of family emmbers believed killed in Solidarity protests. Since no one has seen them since.

We have these odd holes in the family tree where there are only question marks. Like unripened fruit. Or maybe a bud that withered. Hard ot know how to express it. But I see in that NPR piece the pain my grandma felt wondering what happened to friends and family who didn't get out... It's a sorrow handed down the generations, to make sure *we* do not forget the consequences of those kinds of regimes.

Many years ago, I was meant to take a trip to Poland, with Mom's cousin, to help find family emmbers. But Putin was put in charge of Russia and we didn't go. The mere fact he was KGB and now in charge? We concluded it wasn't safe.

We inherit scars ven if we don't earn them. So I can't imagine what it's like for those who have earned them.

So just know that in all this early0-rmoning brain-scrambled ramgbling, I am saying:

A smuch as I can, I understand, and am sendin gyou all the support and purrs I can.

You're not alone.

Neither is Uruguay.

Gentlest healing,
Le

Gentle hug and love sent to you my friend....I'm so sorry for the pain that you've suffered and continue to be haunted by...

You've turned it into love that you so generously share with your friends and I'm thankful to be one of them...

I'm glad that DS allows you to vent and seek some respite from the ties that still hurt you... I hope that your visit will allow you to see that this part of your life is over and your visit will help you to heal....xo

Muji, My doc told me that if she were to add anything to my medicine it would be a request that I dont listen to NPR, because it can have me on the floor trying to caught my breath.Full blown panic, sobbing ,ect.

I just want to know about the world around me. But I did notice a large decrease in triggers when I simply turned off any part of NPR that was triggering.

I'll add my tehrapist's first prescription for anyone with anxiety disroder? No watching the news or listening to it on the radio.

I'd already stopped in August 2012 b/c the pre-election stuff just had me sooo stressed...

I find it ieasier if I read a news site. I cna click away so easily and there's not the emotional impact of faces or voices delivering "punch" to the words.

I skim BBC, Reuters, and local, then call it a day. So much hate-mongering and fear-mongering for ratings? No thanks.

As I told DavidRock in a private message today, I get so tired of the dictatorship's crimes coming back again and again. I get bored with it all, too, after 36 years. The evil stuff is always the same.

But Leo is right, I am glad I heard about in on NPR. And Deli is right, as I digest it I realize how happy the Grandmother must be at finding her grandson after nearly 4 decades of hoping against hope. It's a miracle of love.

I counted on your support being here at DS PTSD at the end of the day. So bright and early, before reading any of it, I acted on it. I went to the consulate and got my visa today to go through with it in spite of all. One day at a time, as they say. As the late Lou Reed once wrote in a song, it sure takes a busload of faith to get by.

As I was getting my visa, I was reminded how lucky I am. I wrote my book with the help of a Uruguayan writer in exile in Mexico. He lived in exile after having survived an assassination attempt by the military dictatorship in Montevideo. When democracy returned, he was standing in line for his new passport in Mexico City and had a heart attack and died right there in line. He never got to go back like I'm getting to do.

So I remembered to be thankful as I stood in line today. All I had was a lot of neuropathy pain in my feet standing in line, and then walking to the consulate and back. Had to use a cane, but nobody died.

I'm home now, reminded to be grateful. For some reason being grateful helps me with fear and despair. Why, I do not know, but it does.

I am grateful you all came when I called As the Julian Lennon song put it, salt water rose to my eyes when I saw all of your support after my trip to get my visa.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWWKl1QJed0

Sure enough, I could count on you all!

Thank you all, every one of you. Gracias, amigos.

As I understand exposure therapy, you should be expecting these pains. You can't grow your tolerance without testing your limits. Maybe like lancing boils? A moment's discomfort provides long term relief.

Keep stepping, Muji. You can do this. One foot in front of the other. Healing happens.

:-) Salute to you!

Muji, my friend, you have been through so much. Have you tried EMDR or ART therapies, where you can unbubble these memories? As I understand it the memories get encapsulated in adrenalin. These therapies break those bubbles so it becomes a memory, but not drowned in adrenalin. Your fear must have been horrible at such a young age. I get kinda scared when you go back, but I understand. You have to revisit the place that broke you, and make it an okay place, to ease your mind, to ease your pain. You have my deepest respect and my support. Thank you for sharing this horror. Maybe the telling will take a little bit of its power away. Good luck, sweet friend. I send you good thoughts, healing thoughts. I'm proud of you. Big hug.

Yes, Milla, I did that sort of therapy years ago and it helped. I guess this got me because it leapt over so many years. 36 years.

The good side is that grandmother and grandson had their picture in the paper yesterday and looked so happy together. Their grief over the murder of mom by prison guards under the dictatorship 36 years ago didn't stop that for them today in democracy, so I'll try not to let it for me, either.

Muji have you ever considered writing a book about your experiences? It might be therapeutic for you and enlightening for others. Keep a journal of your trip and let us know how you go. You inspire me.