My 35th anniversary is this month. We are still riding that wave. Every time we think we have all the answers, a neighboring wave hits with a whole new batch of questions and flotsam.

We are using our Pete Seeger quote this week. "Good loving takes time to learn." Mistakes are a natural part of the learning process. The best you can do is be a good student.

Gentle support while you sort your own, IGT. Life is different for everyone, but my personal belief is that the 3 most important words for relationship are, "Customize, customize, customize."

Congrats on your new relationship and on doing so well with your PTSD.

As to having "walls" because of PTSD, I got an insight once I can share about that, an objective one. To become a hospital chaplain, you have to go through 3 days of psychological testing, $3000 of tests. I had shared, of course, my medical history, but now they did some deep diving into my PTSD recovery.

After 3 days I had my interview with the testing team's lead psychologist, who interpreted my results. I was thrilled to hear that they were positive, that I passed. I so badly wanted my own PTSD recovery to be such that it would now qualify me to assist people in the ER right away when traumatized by an accident or an assault.

But the best result of the interview with the testing team's lead psychologist wasn't just that I passed to get the job. It was worth the $3,000 all by itself. She said that, all told, I had a "well defended ego," which meant a healthy ego, considering behind me I had years of combat, sexual assault, and domestic violence PTSD.

So those "walls" aren't just to be condemned as if they're something bad like the walls in that Pink Floyd movie The Wall. They're a healthy sign of survival. Your intimate partner needs to understand that is part of the package of having you. That may be his growing edge now for him in his life.

Hmm...
Four months is fast. Real fast.

What do you mean by take it personally?

As in he basically tells you you are wrong for having your own needs?

Because that is totally not cool. Tell him you need an hour to yourself after the child goes to bed, or when you get home, or whenever, plus designated " you " time on the weekends.

He's acting like it's your job to drop your own needs in order to cater to his, I think? No, not cool.

RUN don't walk, RUN

You have some keywords there....
HE " requires a lot of attention."
Hes " feeling insignificant. "
He " takes it personally."....but "you try to be what he needs"
He says " you should want to snuggle and hug me."
Those are 5 RED FLAGS!
My advise to you is leave that situation before it gets worse. I am serious. To me he sounds very selfish, controlling and doesnt care or unwilling to understand YOU. If he is saying this now...it WILL get worse.
You aren't ready, especially for a pushy relationship. And your toddler isn't ready either. If you continue with the relationship, your child will suffer in the longrun. Trust me.
Find someone else that doesn't place demands on you like this. I know it's hard, but you don't want to get into a bad relationship. He will be. The signs are there now. I see red flags everywhere already.
If you have a therapist, ask them and they will tell you the same.
Watch for other red flags or signs. Please...
I don't mean to tell you what to do, I am just seeing things that may or most likely turn into a problem. Been there, done that.
Just take things slow if you want to stay in that type relationship. But ...I see flags by your description.
Huggs,
Lynne

Tell him the truth, Igotthis. You spend all day being a caretaker.

If he won't respect your needs and boundaries? Ask why. Ask him why, and ask yourself. Why is that who attracted/attracts you? (I'm a caretaker type, I know how I can get easily involved in that caretaking thing and lose my boundaries. Child of alcoholic. Gotta watch that stuff. Thank goodness for AlAnon and therapy.)

We're all giving you our individual spins on this, out of our own experiences. So.... take it, leave it, but we're here for you.

BTW, my hubby needs about an hour between the end ofhis work day and any "us" time. No big. He's around snarly people all day. I have days I want to yell, "I don't care!" but that's not how it works, so he gets his hour.

Soft support.

I agree with lowtide....run.
Keep YOUR SPACE. It is yours.

I have been divorced twice, and I think strike three is not happening. My early child abuse by my mother and possibly my father did some real damage. The one thing that it did was that when I met my two wives, the fact that they would so much as pay attention to me made me for all intensive purposes their slave. I could say no or set any boundaries whatsoever.

Fast forward to today. I had a little one month fling with a lady at church. She asked me for my phone # and things went happily quickly. But the one thing that was totally different this time was that I let her know right off the bat that I had issues that I was dealing with. And if I needed time to myself, which I would, she would just have to understand, and She did.

She had been separated for 10 years but not divorced. I should have cut it off as soon as she told me this but I was having fun and it felt nice for a change. But last week I told her we would have to be just church acquaintances. I am an old fuddy duddy and I say married is still married. Truth be told, I just do not have the energy to deal with my personal issues and any kind of a relationship at this time. I have my hands full with me.

Tell him what the score is and if he wants to still see you and he cares about you, he will be there. If he rolls, you know you haven't lost anything.

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions, I truly appreciate it.

The night before I posted this, we had our first discussion where I spoke up. Until then, I tried to avoid the conflict and ignore my needs. I believe there is some friction that's to be expected when a new couple is figuring things out, especially while living together. He is the first man who has inspired me to feel something for in return. I don't know what it is, but this one is special. Because of that (and wanting to give him a chance to process my newly spoken needs), I'm going to give it some time and see how it goes.

Again, thank you so much!

Big hug for you IGOT....I'm 'seeing' from what I'm reading some big red flags as well... If this is to be any type of healthy relationship you should be able to discuss and address yours' and your child's needs...x