I was very much triggered today and I am finding it interesting how I am processing it now. I'm not sure if it is because of the EMDR but my thought processes seem different. I was in yoga class tonight and forgot to take off my apple watch. I got a phone call from my mother who I am estranged from because she yelled at me and told me that I was lying about my sexual molestation allegations from when I was 8. She also was emotionally abusive my whole life and took my father from me before he passed. My panic began but I was able to focus on my practice during class. But in my final resting pose I had flashbacks of my dads passing which is what we were dealing with in my EMDR therapy. I shed a few tears and the heart palpitations began. Really bad heart palpitations.  I was told by my psychologist that I may experience grieving.

I had a gut feeling that the only reason why my mother was calling me was for bad news because I know my Grandpa is old and not well. I checked my voicemail after class and my fear was confirmed. Grandpa is in the hospital and his kidneys and heart are failing. I love my Grandpa and have fond memories of him but I also strugle with trying to maintain my boundaries with my mother since I will not allow myself to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with her anymore. But I am also a compassionate human being and it would be too cold not to call my mother when I know that she is about to lose her father.

So I got home, poured a glass of wine, and expected the worst. I managed to get myself through an hour long conversation with my mom that I don't think was unhealthy or toxic . . . maybe I'm delusional . . . but my body is definitely telling me that it is on alert. My tummy knots and back tension are back. I can't ignore these symptoms because ignoring them in the past has put me right back in to the arms of my abusive mother. I need to be firm in my decision and protect myself. I feel guilty because I don't think that I can be there for my mother while she loses her father but then again  . . . she wasn't there for me when I lost mine . . . Oh, this should be a fun situation for my brain to toy with . . . sigh. I really don't know or understand how I feel right now but I know that it is different. It almost feels more emotionally mature. Although I feel unsure I also feel like I should be grateful that I seem to be coping better. And I should focus on praying for my Grandfathers peace. Cause, at the end of the day, that's all that we all really want.

So, as I pray for my Grandfathers peace and I will include my Daily Strength friends as well. Peace, serenity, and love to you all.