I understand what you are saying arfie. Best just err on the side of caution i find because we just don't know what will upset some people. I posted something a short while ago because i thought it validated one of our members experience but was a little worried it may trigger her so did a TW. Maybe i am being a bit overcautious. I often miss social cues and keep blathering on about things people don't want to hear about or are offended by.

Speak of triggers....

I'm just off suicide watch. Still in deep depression mode. Not sure I'm okay to be here, on this board, on DS, on anywhere. So I'm not in a place from which there's a great "view".

I have no idea what in-person groups do. They scare me. The only one where I live is ex-military combat PTSD oriented, and the general attitude there is "You are female and civilian, eff off." Ergo, me not go. Angry men and me? Oh, bad combo.

As for forum "spats".... We offer our apologies. If they are accepted, great. If not, then there's nothing else we can do, just like real life. If no harm is *intended*, okay. To me, anyway. I know that's not the same for others. Depends on the person. Just like real life.

I'm scared to even post this very post. I'm shaking like a leaf. You can't see it, Arfie, but I am. My heart rate's up. I'm breathing erratically. I'm headed for panic. I'm a villain, you see. My existence is unforgivably wrong. ... So in my "world", I have no right to respond to your thread. Let alone to say "apologize, forgive, maybe learn, move on."

I spent my childhood trying not to trigger rage in my dad, and had zero cues to work with half the time. So that skews my view.

Dear Arfie,
I am so glad you wrote this topic. I have been here every day or night reading because I need the help......but also to learn the lingo and hopefully learn what not to say.
Well......lol......I did learn that any thing I say/write could trigger someone. So I've said nothing. I truly, truly do not want to harm another person here. I am just too loving and would rather hurt quietly than hurt one of you. And I'm not trying to be all noble or something.

As to what I might suggest with your question........I have none. Other than all capital letters to suggest anger or excitement and "lol" to express laughter"...........I am at a loss to help you.

we are all different i just recently understood your serious issues and am sorry you went through that ,, you have to understand too everyone on these boards are not old timers on DS what needs to be a tw for some are vanilla discussions for someone else,, nobody has any way to know on a forum just what that one deal might throw someone into a crisis and maybe if someone is that triggered and seriously at risk should do only the type of groups that offer visual cues, and has a face to face mentor ,, people not being up front about how bad their triggers are can really make it hard for newcomers to just be easily able to join a forum of war survivors severe trauma survivors and have no screenings because just disappearing or not being able to say what happened leaves the group hapless to help that person or like me going off the board due to hate action against me that i can not sort in the room i am a victim of someones actions and have no defense , the forum is great but is limited and that has to be taken into account is my 2 cents

I think it's very cool that you posted this. However, I have no idea how to respond. I agree that it's hard to know what's going on with people without the visual cues. I figure I don't know what's really going on half the time anyway. I'm not even sure I know why you posted this ... I have an idea, but I might be completely off.

Whatever the case may be, I appreciate you posting this and your sensitivity to the group dynamics. So thank you for this.

Good post Arfie!.... DS has many vulnerable members on so many boards here and triggers can be tough... When a person is online they don't hear tones of voice nor do they see facial expressions and these are huge in having a discussion

As well live groups can see a person getting upset and the discussion can tone right down and give that person a hug or address when they're feeling then and there

I think the ignore feature on here is a great tool that is greatly under used... A person can use it even for a short while to help to avoid conflict

The DS Rules of the Road were made due to DS realizing how many vulnerable people reach out to this site and on either side of strife can be greatly effected... I'm not talking about trolling but a simple disagreement and they happen

We can all FF at times and a break can also be a good idea if a person feels upset and triggered

Big hugs for all ...xo

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/rules-of-the-road

My thoughts are we mention TW, FF, PNA, to newcomers precisely because then if a person choses to read the post they know it may trigger them, there are harsh words that may not bother some, but could really hurt others. I do not want to hurt anyone, so I err on the side of caution even if I am not sure, maybe I don't need to, but again I would rather be cautious and put TW, FF, if I feel the need to vent, that is me, and I shake as I write this too...most times here on this board I have seen members very sensitive...but I also have been close to psychosis so what would I post in that state of mind, or if I dissassociated...that could happen to someone, and I am here to learn, understand, and deal, and realize I may need to work on my personal reactions. In the absence of physical cues, new member, old member I will put TW up online, because otherwise I feel like I could be forcing someone that has not been able to share much into a flasback, someone who has not been able to face something. Just my thoughts

My impact on others is far more frightening than the impact anyone here can have on me. I have a well-developed live net to go to. Not so sure about the humans behind the uniform typeface. . . I don't get to see the hand trembling over the "Add" button. Equally, it is hard to come from my own heart while I am trying to be considerate of every wounded heart on the internet.

I do not count any of the on-line groups as a trusted node on my therapy net. I have been playing with the potentials since my first communications job in 1974. We've come a long way, baby, but I, just-a-patient-personal, do not believe the potential has been achieved. That lack of physical cues thing is a serious glitch in this developer's report. Personally, I am still trusting the live therapy net which has gotten me this far allot more than I am trusting any of my on-line trials.

Still chewing. . . It be a tough nut to chew. . .

Thank you Arfie you helped clear some stuff up for me with this post. You are so right with everything you have said. In answer to your question about cues and how to deal with the lack of them here, I am going to repeat what my therapist told me, "you need to have boundaries in place". She was referring to absorbing others pain when I accidently hurt or trigger someone. I had no idea they would react that way. They own the trigger not me. It is their responsibility to use the tools to find their way out of the trigger. I get it now thanks to your post. Thank you. I need boundaries against absorbing others triggers which I have no control over.

In answer to your question about taking someone's type word you are not doing well, no you should not. Again you have helped me here. The words of others about our health and mental state are just opinions. Deep down in we know if we are doing well or not but we must be willing to look at our emotions, body feeling and be honest with ourselves. No one knows us better than we do. Again we need to set boundaries on what we do with in coming information and how we process it. We need to own our own feeling and thoughts.

A wise therapist I first went to once told me, that often as we get start to get better, the real problems star with spouse, family and friends. It is often a time when they fight back against you getting well. Not on purpose but because it scares them you are changing so quickly and they are afraid of those changes. They have grown use to you needing them for every decission and controlling your every thought. It is strange unusual territory for everyone.

Trust yourself Arfie you are much more together than you think you are. Maybe it is chicken time while you sort.

I got your back Arfie and thank you for helping me sort.

I think it's important not to see a support group as therapy Arfie as it's not...
By the same token I have learned so much from the members of DS and gotten so much wonderful support

There is always going to be good and bad online... For the most part DS is a wonderful site however when things go wrong on here they can have a profound effect on a member

Acuriousfish and I made up a post a couple of years ago to 'try' and help again with safety... I think taking your time to get to know someone is important and being careful of what you reveal until you do get to know someone again... important
This is the post

http://www.dailystrength.org/home/messages/inbox/30214607/std

I agree that communicating in this way is very difficult because most people will assign their own emotions to the other persons comment. I can write my words with a caring tone but if you are in a bad mood you may read them with an angry tone. I remember this was a huge issue when email was introduced where I worked. It was bad...very very bad.

To be honest I tread lightly on this board. I have been screamed at and insulted by people who have placed their own tone on my words. As I have progressed through my own healing I can, for the most part, tell where a person is in their healing process and I respond based on where THEY are. I try...sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.

I know there was some drama on this board not long ago but I did not read any of it and had I read it I would not have participated. The fact is we are a bunch of people who had crap families and multiple traumas so we are all a huge pile of raw emotions learning how to deal with them. Until a person learns to direct their emotions where they belong (Usually at a past event/person) we lash out at each other as soon as we are triggered. We fall back on our own protective instincts and to what we were taught which was very often to either hide or lash out. But as we progress through our healing we learn that even though that person lashed out we can know that they were only triggered by words and the tone they placed on those words. It is now up to them to recognize this trigger and go back to their past and discover where their reaction belongs so they can heal it.

I know this wasn't an answer but it is how I try to handle things when talking to people via typeface.

lucky makes good sense

Great post Arfie, and I enjoyed reading it. I agree, it is hard with just typed words to get the actual feel. Studies show 90 % of what we say is read in the body language. Only 10 % is what someone is saying. So we are only getting 10 percent.

However, I have found great help here and incredible insight sometimes. There is also some peace in that you read someone else is just like you in how they react to a situation. Obviously, as you mentioned, it is no replacement for therapy. It is a nice adjunct though.

Thank you for the post!!

for that matter SC anyone i mean anyone as i can see i have been on this board about a year but DS since 2013 everybody and i mean everybody i met here is vulneralbe nobody would come here if not,,, those with any mental health challenges and all CL leaders have a diagnosis too,, we are all vulnerable and nobody can know someone truly on a forum but we can try and let our walls down and get some good support,,, i have learned the hard way that we all need to vigilent in putting out any personal info,,,, not saying not share but take precaution, even in face to face meetings i have had to finally learn,, it is not the good old days anymore,,,,, blind trust just not smart ,, not to say one cannot get support,,,, but ,, i am much more aware after what i went through recently with trying to advocate for myself,, we are not immune to the fact that there is no great safety net even at the top of a forum site ,,, the lesson is be careful discreet and aware when using a forom any forum online,, i learned the hard way,,

This is a great thread. The reason I left last year was because I discovered like so many other members that I can not control how others react to what I have written. It is unavoidable that if you join in on discussions, you are going to hurt someone unintentionally. I know that my triggers are far different than anyone else's. In a therapy session I had before Xmas my therapist tried to focus on a specific trigger that I have which is very unusual. The more we talked about it the worse I felt. After only a few questions I was so upset I actually threw up. She didn't mean to make me feel that bad and I didn't even know it would happen either. If it could happen in such a controlled setting it is unavoidable here. I just hope everyone knows that I would never intentionally harm someone and if I do by accident please let me know so I don't do it again.