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Hi, I ended up feeling really hurt tonight. I am 54, and my family of origin don't want to know me. Because I had a mental breakdown, and because they know I was abused within the family - I just make them uncomfortable.. No one in my family is remotely interested in things like therapy, AA or Al Anon, or spirituality.
So, they are people I don't really want to spend time with - but I feel rejected by them. Felt really hurt on Christmas Day which is also my birthday, as not one of them rang. (I never get invites either).
Well, I went to AA tonight, and people were talking about spending Christmas with their family - I also don't have partner or kids. IT got me down.
I made the mistake of calling a friend who is 'normal', she has had a good, trauma free adult life. some difficulties with her mother growing up. But she has the loving husband, and three great, well adjusted kids.
Anyway, for some reason I thought she'd be a good person to talk to!
She was telling me I have to let go and accept my lack of family.
I agreed with her, but was feeling worse and worse.
(this coming from someone who spend Christmas with her parents, siblings and extended family.)
Then she was saying I'm not the only one. I chastised her on that one - I said it doesn't make the pain any less, if others have been through it.
It's like if someone came up to you and said they'd just been raped - you wouldn't say 'oh, it happens to lots of people'. you just wouldn't say it.
Anyway, we ended the call, and I was feeling worse - wrong to be how I am.
I rang a good friend who also doesn't have family, for a number of reasons, and no kids. She was saying 'of COURSE it's hard, of course you're going to get waves of grief from time to time..' She straight away made me feel better, because I no longer felt my feelings were WRONG.
I also think my grief goes back to teenage years, when I lost my parents - that is, one parent died ( my mother) and the other parent was completely lost in alcohol and drug addiction.
Just wondering if anyone can relate. I've been alone most of my adult life - also not able to have relationships. I've had a few 'relationships' in the last 10 years, that were based on sex.
I wouldn't know what it was to belong to someone, to have that intimacy - to be wanted like that.
So, they are people I don't really want to spend time with - but I feel rejected by them. Felt really hurt on Christmas Day which is also my birthday, as not one of them rang. (I never get invites either).
Well, I went to AA tonight, and people were talking about spending Christmas with their family - I also don't have partner or kids. IT got me down.
I made the mistake of calling a friend who is 'normal', she has had a good, trauma free adult life. some difficulties with her mother growing up. But she has the loving husband, and three great, well adjusted kids.
Anyway, for some reason I thought she'd be a good person to talk to!
She was telling me I have to let go and accept my lack of family.
I agreed with her, but was feeling worse and worse.
(this coming from someone who spend Christmas with her parents, siblings and extended family.)
Then she was saying I'm not the only one. I chastised her on that one - I said it doesn't make the pain any less, if others have been through it.
It's like if someone came up to you and said they'd just been raped - you wouldn't say 'oh, it happens to lots of people'. you just wouldn't say it.
Anyway, we ended the call, and I was feeling worse - wrong to be how I am.
I rang a good friend who also doesn't have family, for a number of reasons, and no kids. She was saying 'of COURSE it's hard, of course you're going to get waves of grief from time to time..' She straight away made me feel better, because I no longer felt my feelings were WRONG.
I also think my grief goes back to teenage years, when I lost my parents - that is, one parent died ( my mother) and the other parent was completely lost in alcohol and drug addiction.
Just wondering if anyone can relate. I've been alone most of my adult life - also not able to have relationships. I've had a few 'relationships' in the last 10 years, that were based on sex.
I wouldn't know what it was to belong to someone, to have that intimacy - to be wanted like that.
That said, I do have my own family now. so that helps. But my first child is the product of an early divorce, so I've got that to deal with.
Even having kids is not the solution- you then are bound to them and there goes your freedom. Even if it's to have a nervous breakdown if you feel like it!
I'd try to rejoice in the fact that you have all possibilities to you as a insightful adult and can do whatever you like at this point if your life.
Hugs
It's a natural part of life, grieving for things like parents who are gone or failed us, for having lost or never found spouses, for being unable to have children (no matter the reason)., for losing family. I can relate to not having children. I was able to get pregnant, but could never carry to term and lost a child several times, so I understand that part. It hurt so bad every time feeling that loss of life. I helped to raise 2 step-daughters, but I was a step-parent and they were 10 when I first met them, so there was never the bonding as with your own child raised from infancy.
I also understand the distance from your family. My father I left behind years ago and my mother died 5 years ago. I never knew my father's family well, but knew my mother's all too well and I choose to stay away from them and their gatherings. No desire to be around any of them. Not sure if this is how you feel, but I have no sorrow over missing any of them. I would like a family that I would love to be around, but it just isn't going to happen and I accept that. I guess I got over that grief a long time ago. Better to be alone than in a bad situation.
My heart is with you tonight. And sorry for your grief. but oh so happy you realize you deserved better than the first response you received. Stay strong!!!
I have said goodbye to my mother Father and brothers... They are dead to me now...!!! So hard though because I still long for the family that I never had! One of the happiest Christmases I ever had was when I was a manager at a bar, I decided to keep it open on Christmas for everyone who didn't have family and I had a stocking for all my regulars and a tree... It was wonderful, the bar was filled with regulars and they where all supporting each other threw the hard day of Christmas... They were all so thankful to have a "family" to be with... And so was I...!!!
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY...!!!
Im sorry you feel alone... We are here for you as much as possible...!!! Think of us like your extended cyber family..!!!! Sending loving support your way...!!!
I certainly do agree with you on the "others have it worse" card. The hospital tried to get me to watch some film about others who had it worse in life. Nope not having that.
Glad your other friend validated your feelings and thoughts.
warmest regards,
Rafyel
It's interesting, but when I was talking to the first friend - she was saying I need to 'let go' and 'accept' and I was saying 'yeh, you're right' - well, my hurt feelings were getting stronger and stronger.
Then, with the second friend who was so validating and saying 'of course you're grieving' - my hurt feelings were soon put to bed.
I've learnt something really important - to be accepting of my and other people's feelings.
My therapist used to say that the biggest part of letting go was 'connecting and accepting'. I'd just forgotten.