Oh boy... Trying to break free of such people, even if not family, is tough. That whole guilt thing, the codepency vibe, the manipulation... Yuck!
I doubt it will get better if you do not wait, so... speaking from my own experience? ignore her a week or so, and if she continues to leave the nasty messages, you can say you simply did not understand what she was saying. That buys you time to selfcare, and is also true. She is not speaking "sense" when she accuses you of all that over a missed call or two. IMHO. Take, leave, use for TP, whatever...

Support as you cent and sort.

It just so happens I got so down about my mom being like that, too, that I did some reading to try to wrap my mind around how she is. This article helped me so I could get to sleep. I don't know if it was what the article said, or if it was just that since there was an article out there about it, it meant my mom wasn't the only one like that. I won't begin to list the ways she used me for her emotional needs regardless of mine, and how she had me abused physically according to her mental demons.

What I related to most in what you wrote here was that your mom never let up. Mine didn't, either. I was away from her for 8 years, and then tried to reconcile. She got cancer from 2004-2007 and I moved in to her house and took care of her every day for all three years. Her cancer went into remission, and then the old using and abusing came back until I had to break off contact in 2010.

She'll never let up, though, because after no contact for 3 years in 2013 I get a call through a 3rd party. Her cancer had come back, and now--without any apology for how she abused me ever, especially none for abusing me after I took care of her last cancer--she demanded that I come back now and care for her again. It's just what she demands, regardless of me.

I said no, and was of course condemned as an evil adult child by the third party who contacted me for her. It just doesn't let up, does it? I wish I had the magic fix, but I can at least assure you that you're not alone in this, and send you all of my support.

Oh, by the way, here's the article, just in case you're interested.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother

Thank you. She is in a nursing home and I think I am going to call the social worker there in the morning and explain it to her. Maybe she can get my mother to cool it a little. At least she should be able to pass on a message that I was not home and that mom freaked out over nothing.

Still can't sleep. Need something real boring to do.

Good luck! BTW, I dust. It's one of my insomnia "breakers". Dust dust dust....zzzz.

Finally got some sleep. Social worker at the nursing home is out until Monday.
Trying to decide if I want to call my mother and yell at her or wait for the social worker. I am still pissed off plus I have this major thing going on with my ex. So, if I do talk to my mother I will most likely not be my usual calm patient self. Maybe yelling will get my point across. Or just get me more frustrated.

Your mom does 'sound' as though she may be a narcissist so what is good for you will never be what's important to her... I would look up the signs and symptoms of narcissism on google (if you haven't already) ... Boundaries are important for your wellbeing and this absolutely is manipulation... Gentle hug....xo

Glad you got some sleep. Take care of yourself and your hubby, boundaries are the thing like SunCloud said. Much support and keep getting the rest you need.

Ah, the proverbial rock and hard place. . . Do you feed the existing behavior pattern by playing along or suffer the slings and arrows of daring to try new approaches? Sure wish I had easy answers for both of us, dap. I have yet to get out of one of these squeezes without a few scrapes and bruises. I take them one skirmish at a time and share freely in my support network as I go.

Gentle support while you find your own way through, dap. It's a toughie. . .

^ that book linked above. I read the OP's post and thought "borderline" instantly. One of the most difficult situations to be in, especially if not understood.

Having read the article I think she is both. She pulls the same stunts described for both personalities.

She'd HATE having me as a daughter. I'm probably the WORST person in the world about returning calls. (Hey, I called back....with in 2-3 weeks.)

Snowing outside and bad trip home? Do NOT expect me to call. As I tell the my kids...if the phone rings its probably the police. If I'm dead...I'll still be dead tomorrow. Get your sleep now, because you probably won't get it tomorrow. The police will call back.

Hey dap, I see you mentioned yelling at your mom to straighten her out. I honestly don't think you should. My mom is similar and what I found is when you display emotion, they know they have got to you. It's power. Sometimes they even crave that negative attention, that squabble, that drama it gives them excitement.

A strategy that has always worked great for me is to act like an emotionless robot, until mom acts normal. I mean I've gone months acting that way. It takes a while but she'll catch on that if she wants you to be you and not just an automaton speaking in monotone, shes got to act normal. It de-arms peoples, what can they do? You are speaking to them after all. You're just not putting any emotional labor into the conversation. Idk, maybe this is bad advice, but if you try it let me know, I hope it helps!

I have not spoken to her yet just so that I do not yell. I like your idea. I have been having more issues then "normal" with her the past few months. When I left my abusive wife she asked me over and over not to. No idea why. And then, when I suffered a major brain injury, she told me that she was enjoying being able to have something in common with me. She was asking me constantly how PT/OT was going and comparing it to her lack of progress with the same skills. It was fun for her. I almost died and it provided enjoyment for my mother. Screwed up or what? The only reason I spoke to her after that was because she had her social worker call every hospital in western NC looking for me when I did not answer the phone for one day. I felt so bad for the social worker that I spoke to my mother about once a week after that just to keep her from driving every social worker in NC nuts. I think I may have had it though. If I cannot leave my house with out her going nuts I may have to cut her off for good.

Yeah brother that's messed up. You know if you cut her down to one conversation each month, there will be some real pressure for her to make those times positive and count. But are people are unpredictable so it's not a guarantee. Sorry, sometimes it's a bummer that we don't get to pick our family.