So this actually happened several weeks ago. I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this but, well, feelings and me... 'something unpleasant' is the only conclusion I've come to.

After years of doing my best to ignore and hide my issues, my not-so-much-anymore bestie was the first person I started to open up to. We've been close friends for six years and at first he handled it pretty good, didn't press the matter but didn't avoid it either.

I couldn't bring myself to talk about the traumas themselves yet, but I did describe the symptoms and I told him about my triggers, which now turned out to be a bad idea.

We were invited to a birthday party of a mutual friend and knowing that there was a pretty good chance of being exposed to one of my triggers, so, since he used to be the person I trusted the most (if still not entirely, too many issues going on here), I asked him to stay sober and look out for me, which he promised he would do.

At this point I have to add, that due to the nature of my traumas, I have become extremely self-reliant and mistrusting. I've learned pretty early that if I don't take care of myself, no one's gonna do it. As a consequence of this, something many of you can probably relate to, I'm really bad at asking for help, even if I know I need it, so I was pretty proud of myself for managing to do it that time.

Of course, the whole thing went pear-shaped. He got piss drunk and intentionally used the triggers I've told him about to provoke a flashback because he "wanted to see what it's like when you (I) get one".

He succeded and I ended up with a 15min major flashback and several smaller ones and panic attacks every few minutes for the following 12 hours. Not. Fun. At. All. And of course that included the complimentary nightmares every day for the next two weeks straight, f*ck you very much. Add to that a stress-induced migraine and aggravated insomnia for another month.

He doesn't remember any of this, since he was too drunk.

Ever since then I go into full defense-mode as soon as we're in the same room. I now instinctively feel threatened by him. When he dares to talk to me I am extremely hostile, the really unpleasant, passive-aggressive kind. I know exactly what I'd have to say to really hurt him, though so far I've managed to restrain myself from actually doing so.

I can be a manipulative bitch, I usually know where people's vulnerabilities lie, and if I feel cornered, I use them against them or to my advantage. I know that this is a terrible thing to do and I feel ashamed that I sometimes become like this, but it's the truth and it probably won't change in the near future.

I want to lash out and hurt him, but at the same time I don't. Hell knows why, maybe it's out of respect for the friendship we used to have, maybe it's because I know I shouldn't do that to another person, but still.

I feel betrayed. He broke my trust, both the one he has earned over the years, and the one I gave him asking for his help. By asking for help, I've made myself vulnerable and he did this. Asking for help I incredibly difficult for me and every time I do it it's a pretty big step for me and by triggering me, not just accidently but because he wanted to and knew what he was doing and how much pain it would cause me, he ruined a lot of work I've put into this.

I think I feel loss. Maybe I'm sad because of the friendship I've lost, the friend I've lost. Maybe it's because I've lost a source of stability in my life. I feel disrespected.

I feel angry at myself because I've let someone close enough to cause damage and I feel angry at myself because I *know* this is a very bad thinking pattern, one I've been working on for a while. I'm angry, scratch that, I'm bloody furious, at my (not?) friend for knowingly putting the progress I've made in jeopardy.

A part of me wants to forgive him and I think I feel ashamed for being unable to and for thinking that maybe he doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

I did tell him about what he did and he's sorry. I told him that, at least for now, I'd appreciate it if he stays away from me and we keep our interaction to a minimum.

Ugh, I hate emotional things! It's good to have it written down, but this entire thing is still a big tangle of angry/upset/defensive in my head that I do my best to avoid thinking of, since I have no idea what to do with it.

Thanks a lot for listening, this ended up being much longer than intended, but I guess I just needed to get it out.

Any advice on how to handle this would be more than welcome! Have you been in similar situations?

Thanks again! Hugs, Neo.