arfie,i'm sorry you are having such a trying time with this. It absolutely so can "be hard to sort the trigger from the trauma"....and it sounds like it is difficult for you to hold steady for your husband,whom you do have the utmost empathy and love for while trying to take care of you.

i hope you will keep some empathy for YOU.....no matter what,it is hard to stare a trigger in the face...i admire your strength,and tenacity all through this..

please take gentle care of you,every minute.
much support.

Wow, you are really torn in two and I can see why. On one hand is your husband who you love and care for. On the other his father who triggers you. It is a real love and hate situation and I can see why it would be so hard to be empathic to either party in this situation.

Perhaps you can reframe this to make it more palatable for you, easier to cope? Perhaps you can pull back from the man, the trigger and move closer to the pain your husband is in. Perhaps you can look at in simple terms of pure pain and help your husband with that. Perhaps you being by your husband's side is enough support for him. Sometimes, saying nothing speaks the loudest.

It would appear that this has triggered you even more, so please take time for you. Sneak way to a quiet spot, go to the woods for a walk, do what you need to do to look after you first.

I like your term sorting. It really is what we do. It makes me think of sitting at a desk with a pile of papers messing it and sorting through them to see what we keep and what we toss out. I hope your pile of papers is getting cleaned up.

I had a friend like that. I made it my goal to make this man my friend because he was a trigger and I didn't want that to overpower me. Granted I'm like you, I have other people who trigger me for no apparent reason that I wouldn't give a plugged nickel to and it's hard to sort the trauma from the trigger when they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Good luck in finding what works for you in your continued support of your spouse. Big Hugs!!

Hey, arfie, you don't have to feel guilty that you can't contrive feelings you truly don't have spontaneously within you. It's enough that you care about the grief of those who do feel pain for him. You're a good person who is caring as much as you can and in the way that you can from who you are and where you are located in all of this. Much support to you as you lend your support to others.

You can be supportive of your hubby's grief without being empathetic to his Dad. And you don't have to feel guilty about that. I empathize with the difficulty of separating trigger from trauma, and blaming triggers that seem innocuous. It seems like the best for everyone is to offer support from afar. Help your hubby through his grief, but you don't have to share that grief.

You have the right goal, no matter how difficult: to be supportive of your husband's grief. This is hard enough. The triggers are there, screw 'em. You and the old man are not best of friends. Screw it. Just your husband, love of your life. Do your best. It's all you can do. Sending hugs of compassion and understanding.

Then I can treat it like good news that there is not enough of the man left to tell jokes designed to titillate June Cleaver and stories that took me to traumatic places the first thousand or so times I heard them?

Can I add some gentleness to that honesty? Hubs and adult sons don't have the same experience with him. Why does family have to be such a complex weave?

still sorting. . .

Balls To The Walls for IL
You and hubby: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzqTd73CCrA
one of my 'go to' I really focus on one instrument to be mindful.
Take care, ML

Balls To The Walls for IL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB1OtiF_KU4

Oh wow.... I can see how you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Much sympathies. Best I can say is be there for your husband but take care of yourself too. There's no crime in keeping a healthy distance between you and the FIL. Ditto what Dance said about being supportive without having to be empathetic. I hope your husband can understand even through his pain. There's no use in the *both* of you being emotionally drained / wiped out. So I think having boundaries to help you is a good thing. Hang in there. Gentle hugs.

Big hug for you sweetie... I think just posting this alone shows the character of the lady..... and I think it's awesome.... Loving and supporting his son is doing something pretty special for the man.... Another hug and a blessing...xo

When I put the F-word (forgiving) in this post header, I didn't quite know if it belonged there but I couldn't think of anything better, so I left it. Been soft-chewing on it since. . .

Do I need to forgive him for all the ways he triggers my flashbacks, et al? No, would not have chosen to know him without the husband and sons who bind us, but he, personally, never traumatized me.

To me, forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about letting go of anger and bitterness. Anger and bitterness are not supportive elements.

Still sorting. . .

I agree with you completely and it's empowering to be able to let go... Forgiving is what we do for ourselves... Big hug