When I was started college back way back when, I mostly kept to myself. I was never very outgoing. I didn't actively avoid people or anything--I participated in campus organizations and joined in activities and worked. I interacted with people when around them, I just didn't go out of my way to form relationships of any kind. I wasn't sad or lonely...in fact, I was actually perfectly content. 

The summer after my freshman year, someone I knew messaged me to see if I wanted to join a small group for a movie. It took some convincing but eventually I stepped out of my comfort zone and joined them. I did a few other things with the group just before they all left for the summer. Few remained. One of the girls reached out to me and we got together several times over the summer. Either alone or with the handful of others that stayed around. 

When the fall semester came around and her friends returned, she decided she didn't need me anymore and simply stopped acknowledging my presence. Just like that. No goodbye or explanation of any kind. I took it hard. I knew I was prone to feeling rejection and abandonment more deeply than others might. I also feared it and that was why I avoided getting close to others. I continued my sophomore year as I had freshman year but the feeling of rejection never quite left me. 

It was a year before she spoke to me again...really spoke to me...as someone who had actually been close to me at some point. I had just returned from a mission trip and as expected, only a few summer stragglers were around so we all got together. I remember one night I got to wherever we were meeting with one of the girls that had just been on the trip with me. We reminisced and laughed at inside jokes. Later the one girl mentioned to me that it had made her jealous. That she wished she had gone on the trip and had the opportunity to get to know me as others had and she regreted it. She never apologized for how she had treated me the entire year prior to that night but for some reason I felt I owed it to her to not make her feel left out. Over time it was more and more obvious that in order to do that I had to stop having other friends. I was so afraid of being rejected again that I was willing to do whatever it took to not feel that way ever again. I put up walls. I shut everyone out. Everyone but her. Looking back, there was nothing about her or my interactions with her that were worth that sacrifice. I just didn't want to be rejected and abandoned. In my warped mind, everyone leaves...but if you know what will make someone stay, then it's a foolproof way to avoid it. 

I had to give up a lot. I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do. But that is what I did for the following 3 years. Three. Years. All to avoid being abandoned. I knew how toxic the friendship was. I knew I deserved better...well...I knew people deserve better. I didn't believe I did. Then one day, I'm not even sure what finally triggered it, I walked away and never looked back. I was starting grad school soon after. I put up my walls and would never allow anything like that to happen again. No rejection...and no manipulation. 

But then it happened. Years later. I've written about it before. My best friend who needed me. The one I was there for no matter what it did to me. It was so different though. This time the pain didn't come because she wanted it to...it came because she had no choice...Her hands were tied. She wanted to be a better friend to me but her circumstances didn't allow her to care for herself, much less someone else. I put up with it...because I knew how she felt. Because I knew no one should ever feel that way. Because I knew what she was going through and I would give anything to not allow her to go through it alone. The situations were completely different. My choices were my own and not due to pressure or manipulations or conditions. 

But in the end...When I needed someone...the truth came out. I was not worth it. I was only someone that would be loyal and reliable not someone who deserved the same despite anything she said. I felt every feeling of rejection and abandonment and worthlessness I had for so long avoided amongst a thousand other feelings I've already written about.

And now...I'm left alone with these feelings and alone with my thoughts and alone with my past that has set me up to feel things so deeply. I had flashbacks constantly that keep me up at night. When I finally sleep I have nightmares...I relive everything but all jumbled. As if one feeling is exactly as the other despite differences in the situations. Their faces are interchangeable. I remember most dreams as I usually wake up in a fit of panic and sweat and crying. Dreams that start out with one person morph into the face of another that hurt me. 

Everyone is the same. Everyone hurts me. Everyone leaves me. Everyone shows me I'm not worth it. Not worth standing by. Not worth defending. Not worth saving or supporting. Not worth even being friends with if there's a better option. Not worth it.