Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I miscarried at 15 weeks when I was 18.
Since then, I've had nightmares some nights after a long stressful day, especially if I've seen babies a lot throughout the day.
Most of the time my nightmares are of similar themes. Either I lose my infant in a crowded store or at a beach or even if I am pregnant and go to the doctor and there is actually no baby, just an empty womb.
The other night I had a nightmare unlike any other I've had since. I'm now 21 almost 22 and in the 3 or so years since my miscarriage, I have never had such a gory and detailed recollection of my actual miscarriage. I could feel the pain, both emotional as well as physical, and I am struggling to overcome the urge to sleep with someone again in hopes of getting pregnant. I am not usually sexually attracted to men but when I feel this desperate to become a mother I am willing to do whatever it takes.
And that scares me because I am not financially ready to be a mom but I feel like I was stripped of my chance and I'm afraid there is something physically wrong with me and that I might not ever be able to have a child.
In therapy I learned about grief over miscarriages and I went on to talk to a guy who is married about it. I also talked to a woman who authored a book about them.
I found out from therapy and from them that it's not as unusual as people think. Grief isn't only for those who held a child in their arms. From the moment of knowing of a pregnancy, in both men and women a movie projector in our minds starts projecting a movie forward for that child. Consciously or unconsciously, that child stars in the script of our movie in our heads of their future first steps, first words, first day of school, high school graduation, etc.
So, they told me, to some degree or another my nightmares were about a loss that was real, in the sense that a future was cut short. I don't mean to go into pro-life vs pro-choice political or religious arguments here. That lady's book has a very religious slant that I don't share myself, having a different religion I practice weekly. Yet she was really nice to me talking to me and her book helped me.
I would understand if this doesn't help you, since I'm a guy and all, but you reminded me of how healing happened for me around those nightmares of mine, so I'd thought I'd take a chance and share. If it's too much information and off the topic for you, feel free to pass up what I've written here.
There's a website from a therapist that folks here shared with me that helped me with flashbacks in general. Here it is.
http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm
Much support to you.