Hi,

I'm a 26 year old male who has developed anxiety the past 3 years.. I was a college athlete and pretty normal guy. The feeling is overwhelming and is normally triggered by something negative that relates to my past. Before this happened, I never really dealt with anxiety. When it hits me, it's uncontrollable. My pain is in my stomach so it affects what I eat, and I can't sleep. Recently, I dug deep and found my root was from childhood trauma when I was younger when I was introduced to two very negative sexual experiences at the ages 8-10. I've hidden these things deep and rooted them and I feel as though they're the root cause to all anxiety I face. Brief explanation of the things that happened.. one was my bestfriend who asked to place his mouth on my genitals at age 8-10 (forgot exact). I immediately said no, and we never spoke again. This made me learn what that meant.. and made me feel as though maybe I was gay because he was approaching me in that way. I used to hang around naked and run around and joke around with this person but that day changed my life.

The next example was when my dad got a new GF and her daughter moved in. She was 3 years older, and introduced me to a XXX porn magazine at 8-10 years.. I was lost. Eventually she would ask to play truth or dare with minimal touching or flashing, and one day asked me to have "sex" with her. I didn't even know what this was, but I declined just as I did with the male situation before.. and that was the last of that issue ever happening again.

These things traumatized me at a young age. I didn't know where to turn so I isolated myself by being on my computer which evenutally lead to porn use, and has continued to this day. I need help, and I know I do but I'm genuinely scared. I'm scared that people won't understand me, and my anxiety triggered and made me relive these moments recently.. I explained both to my girlfriend last night and that was the first person I ever told. I was expecting "immediate" relief, but I still couldn't sleep and I feel disgusted and gross because of those things. I know I did nothing wrong, but it doesn't feel that way. I don't know where to turn, but I've reached out to a ton of therapists explaining my feelings seeking help because I know I need it.

I feel guilt, and extreme pain.. and the trauma from those times is killing me. I don't want to harm myself, but I also don't want this pain anymore. I could use words of encouragement, and advice.

Thanks for taking the time :(