Hang in there babe. This too will pass. No matter how bad you feel now, a mood change could be on the way. Don't do anything silly and keep believing in yourself and your strength and keep in touch here. Peace and love to you.

how are you now?
are you safe/feel safe?
are you rational and in reality?
are you have sucidal thoughts now?

you need to call your pdr and tell him how you are feeling...
you are not alone...
get this idea out of your head, don't let it consume you....
do something to distract your thoughts and mind -- fight!

For me, and I mean me, doing suicide is a divine right. God will love me when and if I ever kill myself. We will sit and chat about the next life that I will live and once again try to bring Love where love seems not to be. Life is but an illusion. Put a flashlight to the palm of your hand does not the light go right through. We are not solid at all. But Life is a persistent illusion for sure. Pain is real as Love is real. Love is God. If a significant friend of mine were in so much damn pain as to actually do suicide, I would not want her or him to hold back to spare my feelings. I feel that would be selfish of me. I am an adult and can handle my feelings. I can come to closure with my feelings. I so have extreme escape ideation for my most painful life. But, I have had that for ten years or so now. Before that I had it also but not as intense as now. But, I am still here in spite of the part of that want to escape so badly. It is most likely as with me you have a life force in you that is so strong that it will not let you kill yourself. There would have be extreme, extreme pain to overcome your life force. I have heard or read where a person says she or he is too much a coward to do suicide: nope. It is hers or his life force that wont let them kill the oneself.

My opinion, but I will bet four quarters that I am right to an axiom point.

I hope you have a strong, ethic, knowelegable, therapist to help you help your self. If not please check into it. Where there is a will there is a way. I speak from experience.

RICHARD

thanks for the suipport, i am taking it all in

There is an article on here about how abuse in childhood creates PTSD and interferes with brain development and causes the mood disorder and ADD, etc.I will friend yo and try to send it to you here. You are in a place where people understand your thoughts and feelings, are not judging you, and want you to get through it because we have ourselves.

And yes, you are so young. Antidepressants may help you, or, if you are 'bipolar' (I have my doubts such a thing exists really, but that it is often PTSD, usually highly intelligent/creative peoples excessive emotional reaction to childhood stress and/or abuse...but just my opinion, and certainly does not describe everyone) they have special medicine combinatons which include Seroquel. I spoke with many bi=polar diagnosed persons on this, all of whom grew up with unspeakable abuse, such as yours. They loved and benefitted by the addition of Seroquel to their treatment. I hope you find a good combination therap with counseling, and add a support group. It is very helpful to be in a room with other people who suffer your same pains...you can speak the same language together, and not try to explain yourself to others who may just look at you like your crazy, tell you to snap out of it, or just not know how to help you. It is only because they are uninformed and the wrong people to seek help and support from. But many people will help and support you. You have much to live for, and once your dark mood passes, you will see more of that hope again. Praying for your strength thru your own powerful spirit!

thanks for everyones support on this post, it means alot to know people understand

Don't do it. Suicide is never the answer. It only looks like the answer. It causes way more pain than it fixes. Please Don't be suckered in.

you are stronger than you think :D knowing somethings not right and looking for help is the first step! u are being strong without even realising it, well done you should be proud! are you on antidepressants? i too have been through what you are going through. if it helps talk to yourself. tell your self concious to shut up out loud. say something like "dont be so bloody stupid im not going to listen to you" u may feel a little crazy but it helped me.swear at that little niggling voie thats telling you that youre worthless, scream if u have to cos ur anything but! we all understand and your not alone. when you feel happy or something awesome is happening to you write it down. then when u are feeling low read them and ull remember that the world really is an amazing place and ur amazing too!

hi pinkpumkin,im new to Ds and came across your post,imy friend please take my advice-Suicide is not the answer-the answer lies within,understanding the importance of emotional expresstion,and a little hard work can show you the path free from suffering.im hear for you xXx

Heyyy

I know this post was a couple days ago but I just wanted to reply and see if you are OK.

I really feel for what you are going through. I dont really know what my diagnosis is at this point, its all up in the air. But problems with mood especially, and suicidal thoughts / ideation / some attempts have played a very big role in my life. So I really get this hopelessness and frusteration you are feeling.

From someone who has been through this a number of times, Im going to tell you straight out that if you ever experience this intense panic again - and / or you simply dont feel safe - the wisest thing you can do is go to the ER. The process might be stressful - but if you are honest with them they can set you up with the help you need. It might be hard but you cant worry about medical bills, etc with this kind of thing - this is your LIFE and YOU are more important than any amount of money.

This WILL pass. It might take some time. It might take a lot of effort. But you CAN get through this and you ARE worth it.

I know how that feels, For me its that I am feeling years of abuse coming at me all at once. I want to run but theres nowhere left to go. I am seeking some kind of saftey but everywhere I go I feel like a burden, I feel misunderstood and dont know who to trust. It is so draining that I go numb and it is in that place that I scare myself with thoughts I cant control. I am struggling with that many days latley. The things that are working best for me are first, finding a safe place. this is a safe place. then I try to pretend that I deserve to have healing time,until it feels genuine.the other thing that I am trying to do is recognize when someone is not supporting my healing process and instead of focusing on them to reach out to people who do understand. this pain will not last forever . Love is the only absolute that I know of. please take care I am positive that you deserve it!!!!