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the problem is that I am... There is honestly nothing I can do to make my situation better.
I did too much today - tried getting the kitchen clean. Hubby sucks at cleaning. Now my back is screaming in pain and has been for almost five hours now. OTC pain patches and my Rx meds are only dulling the pain. I have been sitting still for so long, waiting for my back to stop spasming, that my feet have swollen.
Hubby is stressed enough he has pulled his back again... I am going to push him to take a walk up and down the driveway tomorrow. It will be horrible for me, but good for him.
I have also lost my ability to get out to see my horse, at least for now. My Suv did not pass emissions last month, like I knew it would. We had just been using my daughter's car. Then Mom-in-law, who covers all our expenses, gave us the go ahead to send my SUV into the shop and said not to just do what the minimum to get a waiver to get it registered (tabs), but to get it actually FIXED.
But my life can't be that simple... Trying to get self sufficient and leave to a University this next spring, my daughter has gotten not one job, but two! Granted that one of them is only for Oct - but both of these 'part-time' jobs are giving her right around 40 hours a week. So, that means she is not here to drive me an hour each way to go out and ride.
My SUV is in the shop, a trusted shop we have used for better than 15 years. It has been there for two weeks and should be ready some time this coming week, probably Tuesday. I, the one who uses it to haul horses with, or at least used to before the power went away knew that there were some serious issues going on... the whole tranny had to be rebuilt. There was something about the cylinders that had to be rebuilt. The windshield had to be replaced to stop the leak that has rotted out all the carpeting. The light wiring for towing had to be partially replaced. The estimate before tax is around $5500.
hubby just got off the phone with his mom... she has no idea where she is going to get the money to pay for my SUV repairs... none. She is thinking she might have the $$ by Xmass. I know Tony who owns the shop, no vehicle leaves his place until paid in full. He will give us a serious break, not charging us for most of the labor, but paid in full before I can get my SUV back.
I am stuck. We are six miles outside of town. My horses are an hour drive away. Somehow, it was ok when I thought it was only for a few weeks... but months? There is not much of the riding season left before the weather makes it unfeasible until spring. I have to figure out how to get them their feed... maybe find time to at least drive out once a week to pat them on the head and drop off feed.
Why does this freak me out so badly? Nothing is different from this morning. It is just in my head. There was nothing I could do yesterday, there will be nothing I can do tomorrow. Why is right now different??
I did too much today - tried getting the kitchen clean. Hubby sucks at cleaning. Now my back is screaming in pain and has been for almost five hours now. OTC pain patches and my Rx meds are only dulling the pain. I have been sitting still for so long, waiting for my back to stop spasming, that my feet have swollen.
Hubby is stressed enough he has pulled his back again... I am going to push him to take a walk up and down the driveway tomorrow. It will be horrible for me, but good for him.
I have also lost my ability to get out to see my horse, at least for now. My Suv did not pass emissions last month, like I knew it would. We had just been using my daughter's car. Then Mom-in-law, who covers all our expenses, gave us the go ahead to send my SUV into the shop and said not to just do what the minimum to get a waiver to get it registered (tabs), but to get it actually FIXED.
But my life can't be that simple... Trying to get self sufficient and leave to a University this next spring, my daughter has gotten not one job, but two! Granted that one of them is only for Oct - but both of these 'part-time' jobs are giving her right around 40 hours a week. So, that means she is not here to drive me an hour each way to go out and ride.
My SUV is in the shop, a trusted shop we have used for better than 15 years. It has been there for two weeks and should be ready some time this coming week, probably Tuesday. I, the one who uses it to haul horses with, or at least used to before the power went away knew that there were some serious issues going on... the whole tranny had to be rebuilt. There was something about the cylinders that had to be rebuilt. The windshield had to be replaced to stop the leak that has rotted out all the carpeting. The light wiring for towing had to be partially replaced. The estimate before tax is around $5500.
hubby just got off the phone with his mom... she has no idea where she is going to get the money to pay for my SUV repairs... none. She is thinking she might have the $$ by Xmass. I know Tony who owns the shop, no vehicle leaves his place until paid in full. He will give us a serious break, not charging us for most of the labor, but paid in full before I can get my SUV back.
I am stuck. We are six miles outside of town. My horses are an hour drive away. Somehow, it was ok when I thought it was only for a few weeks... but months? There is not much of the riding season left before the weather makes it unfeasible until spring. I have to figure out how to get them their feed... maybe find time to at least drive out once a week to pat them on the head and drop off feed.
Why does this freak me out so badly? Nothing is different from this morning. It is just in my head. There was nothing I could do yesterday, there will be nothing I can do tomorrow. Why is right now different??
...As a child, I really, really was trapped with the monster...now if I feel "trapped" I get very agitated.
Maybe you too?
...In which case it would do to make yourself feel safer.
Gentle suppor tand hugs....
And to feel less helpless, focus one what you *can* fix. For me, I dust shelves. I know. Cue the "Lame". But I'm working on it....
Gentle purrs.
I think I will keep working on getting the kitchen clean today. I just have to do it in smaller bites. Hubby has only been washing the dishes he uses, so most every dish in the house is dirty and waiting to be washed. I should be able to get that done today. That will help.
I could remember why being trapped triggered me... it is surfing just under the surface of my memories, teasing me to look at it. But I don't dare. I can't do that right now. Too much else is wrong.
Between my melt down and pain, and itchy dogs (WTF???), I only got about three or four hours of sleep last night. I am hoping to chill for a couple hours, maybe do a load of dishes, then go back to bed.
yadlim the stressed
Why is it right now different? We can hang out in our head, and can go crazy in doing so. Just work on strategies that you want to do and I don't know, make lists on paper... do not know if you are goal oriented or not, but it may make you feel more in control doing that. I need to do more of that myself as it gives us hope and less dreading.
I've got a phobia going on and am not happy today as well as tonight is going to be a bitch. I feel helpless too, but refocusing my thoughts, like Leo said to do something that is DOable. Make you feel better. I hung out a lot in my bed, only because I had to. I was too weak to be able to sit up straight or walk good. So if bed you need, then bed it is.
There are things in our power that we CAN change. Then there are those we CANNOT change and know the difference and work on the things you do have power over. There's a prayer that goes with that. I base my life around it, making my small world a little bit easier. You will get through this. You will. Right now just try to trudge on through all the heavy mud weighing you down. Kind of like a soldier, huh?
And then it is back to bed for me.
Hugs to all
yadlim - who actually can't look to the future as there is only gray there... no idea how we are going to keep going or where we are going, only that we are getting out of this house full of mold
I have most of the dishes washed. Still have to put the ones I have done today away. But I have the island mostly cleaned off and am starting to sanitize the counter tops. I love bleach!!! OK, hate the smell, but love that I don't have to worry about a surface not being clean.
yadlim - who is unfortunately flying on pain killers - hate this feeling
I am the same way about clean surfaces. Anything on a counter has to be washed and counters wiped down. Just feels good, right. I know on painkillers, its a drag. Everything's all muddled. I'm recovering addict.
And yeah, clean counters, freshly wiped down, that just feels right!