I am sorry if this is a stupid question, but what does the term "shagged" mean?

No matter what, you are not disgusting. It's not your fault. It is your mother's fault.

LA - "shagged" is what we in the US call "fucked".

Ohh okay. Oh geez. I am so sorry. Listen, none of that was your fault. Your mother is a sick and abusive person.

LA - it's ok. But I agree with what you say.

Alexxxm, Please do not blame yourself, it was clearly not your fault this happened. She is the one who broke the bond between parent and child.

Depression is a bugger that can really wear you down. Is there a friend that you can call and talk with? Would you be able to call your doctor and talk to him about this deep depression?

((hugs))

I hope you are working with a therapist it seems the shame is very harmful and it would be very bennificial to work through that so you can once again claim yourself as good. Shame is that feeling of there is something wrong with me. There are stories in the bible of incest. It isn't your fault...it has been happening from the beginning of time. Sex seems to be a huge area of sin and temptation and when used in the wrong way very damaging. You can overcome this but you can't by simply avoiding it. For me part of my healing was accepting my past and what happened good and bad. If what happened you are always pushing away from it keeps you from being whole when you accept it in the right way with truth than it won't be a burning memory anymore it happened but it won't consume you and you won't have to work hard at not remembering it because it losses it's power. I carried shame for many many years it is exhausting. I can't think of the right word to describe the wholeness but it is part of being authentic being you accepting all of yourself hmmm can't think of it but wishing you well.

Alex, she raped you.
She forced you to get turned on, and she raped you.
...not your fault. You were and are innocent.

You're not disgusting. I understand why you feel it, but you are not.

It will always have been done to you. The man you could have been has been lost...but who you are and who you will be is valuable and lovable.
...I understand very well where you are now. It will pass.
*** sitting with you***

Body memories are hard to take. I have those, too, and they give me fearful shivers down my spine. I can be having a good day, minding my own business, and have one. So sorry, I know what they're like.

Gentle healing vibes, Alex. took me a while to not feel disgusting from being raped, too. And I didn't have the whole familial element to deal with.

Nt you that's disgusting. What was done to you? Yes. You? *No*.

You are whole and valuable and body memories are hard just like the rest but they seem to be the hardest for me too. Someone said you are not the man you would have been but you are the man you were meant to be and you are the man you decide you want to be now. You get to decide what that means to you. Although you might not know you can create who you want to be. If you do not know look around and find examples of other men that appeal to you. You are a wonder gentle kind man already and I'm sure I could keep going but they have to be things you can own for yourself. Try and think of this as an adventure of findi g out who you want to be. Be good to yourself. Get plenty of rest along the way. Hugs