Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I'm mad. I feel alone. Not many groups are very active. There aren't many places to put things that I think people will understand. But I did reach out and talk to two friends I've spent a lot of time with lately. I went to see Deadpool 2 which is all about family. In an odd way it made me think of them so I have some support and they've never been through this but they're here. They said they wished I'd talked to them sooner. When I said "it's not really something you tell people," one says "it is though. You need support. It's exactly the type of thing you need to tell people."
I'm not very good at talking to people. Now they're worried about me. I'm not very good at looking like I feel. I even say I'm good when I'm so far from it and the person asking knows I'm so far from it. The worst I'll admit to is "I'm okay."
I'm overwhelmed and scared to push people away. I always push people away. Im not good at letting people be my friend because I don't think anyone could possibly ever understand. Even at the support groups there is judgment. People tell you what you need or needed to do and they say things like "that will never happen to me." But we can't control other people or circumstances. I didn't choose this. I didn't ask for this. This doesn't make me weak. It would happen if I were a loud mouth. I happen to be soft spoken but that doesn't mean I don't say what needs to be said. People look at me and think I have no skin. I have plenty of skin and it is tough. I just sound like a really sweet person and I'm not cruel. I'm not perfect and two to three people have me right where they want me. They know what buttons turn my brain to mush and they don't care at all about my feelings. When I confront them they either ignore or are apology adjacent and continue to do what they've always done. I don't control them. That's not my fault! I'm not stupid. Sometimes I think I'm losing it - I think I'm crazy. My husband plays these insane games.
I want to leave him. But there's so much involved in that. If we didn't have kids I'd be gone without a doubt - yesterday, probably last year....but we do. It's so complicated. I need to do some research. Theres a class at a local college that gets taught on the 2nd Saturday of every month. It's for women considering divorce. Obviously it's taught by a lawyer who wants your business but it's supposed to be incredibly informative. I'm going with a friend next month. I'm not going to sit here and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him to start doing more than telling me he's changed.
(((( safe gentle hugs ))))
One thing that has helped me. I have tried to act in a way that "would make my children proud of me". That hasn't worked with everything...and every choice, but it has helped with the overall direction.
Don't blame yourself for where you stand. Just look for the way out now and how you won't return to stand in this place ever again. For me that involved an end to dating and marriage. It sounds drastic and it is, but I found out that there's more to life than those 2 things, too. I'd spent so much of mine chasing those 2 things, I didn't know that until I decided to stay single and have friends, hobbies, and other interests outside of those 2.
As for kids, I'm probably the only one on all of DS (not just DS PTSD, but all of its support groups) who'll venture to share the negative fallout from growing up in a home of NON-divorce. My violent parents should never have stayed together; they did more damage to others together than apart, especially to their kids. We kids all grew up to have failed marriages of our own after our parents' marriage was a "success" that made it to all the way to a golden 50th wedding anniversary--outwardly, that is.
Inwardly it was a human hell to be raised in. My parents got separated from when I was 12 to when I was 14 and it was the most peaceful and prosperous, best time of my life. I got a paper route and paid my own way to summer camp, I did well in school. I prayed my parents would take the next step and end the marriage once and for all--I mean I actually asked God to grant me that one wish.
But my mother realized how poor her earning power was on her own and got them back together. On her terms, which turned out to be even worse that before. First demand: a bigger house. So we moved to satisfy her demand and I lost my paper route and all of my high school teachers and friends. In our new neighborhood I was isolated, then subjected to worse domestic violence than ever before.
Most people "stay together for the kids," though. I know, I get it. Some day in the future enough studies may show that stability in the home is more important, but not now, it's still all about 2 parents and single parent moms get put down and don't get the credit they deserve. You'll figure out what's right for you yourself. Going to this class at the local college sounds like a first step to me.
Sometimes I genuinely question myself...am I overreacting, am I cruel, is this normal....it’s confusing and probably the main reason Im not wanting to rush. But today, normal, overreacting or not, today was not a good day and everything he did was verbal. He has never been classically physically abusive.....an advocate says he has but it seems more like something else and here’s what’s awful and confusing......not only has it rarely happened but it doesn’t leave a mark and it seems normal. It absolutely seems normal and it’s a part of sex so even though I tell him not to and he does it anyway, it seems like a normal behavior some people have. Some things he does are absolutely not okay and I know they’re not normal but I keep wondering if it’s ptsd that makes it a problem....:somehow I’m trying to tell myself I don’t think those things are normal but that last sentence would say otherwise. This is confusing.
Getting information sounds like a good thing to do and I'm glad that you have friends who are there. Continued support as you sort it out.
You have had an outside person tell you that there is/was more then verbal abuse. Believe the advocate. Abusers have many masks.
Healing hugs to all.