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My mentally ill parents were my primary abusers since childhood as a missionary kid overseas in a war zone. As an adult, after a violent physical attack during a visit to them for Christmas 1992, I estranged myself from them for 8 years. Then when my mother got breast cancer in 2004, I moved back near them until 2007 for three years to get her through chemotherapy and radiation.
After my mother's cancer went into remission, they returned to old abusive patterns, and in 2010 on another Christmas visit there was another physical attack. So I have estranged myself from them again for the 9 years since then now.
During our first estrangement from 1992-2000, my family did not test my boundaries. I was married, and they cared about how it would make them look bad to the in-laws if they acted out like they do. Since I'm divorced now, this time in this second estrangement my family decided to pursue me.
These are extreme people. They were caught committing church fraud in South America, and were convicted in 3 different ways: by their local church board in South Ameieca, by South American government authorities (who deported them), by their US missionary headquarters in the USA (which expelled them and removed their missionary appointment). They lied about it all, though caught, and blamed me, even though I hadn't spoken to them in 6 years at that point and knew nothing about it at all.
Nonetheless, they are mentally delusional and can claim innocence to the point that they can be very convincing to church people who are vulnerable to them. One of those church people is an ex-FBI agent, and they got him to track me down at my office at my present workplace.
The ex-FBI agent started leaving me phone from them messages on my office voicemail. I reported him to my Human Resources office at work, and they threatened to charge him with workplace harassment, so he stopped.
Today, though, I got my first contact from my mentally ill parents in the mail at my office at work. It was a FedEx package that contained a note from them. It's my father's 85th birthday today, so they sent a note reprimanding me for failing to send him a birthday card.
He's bipolar and a malignant narcissist and she has borderline personality disorder. The extent of their narcissism is evident in being angry that their victim isn't celebrating one of their birthdays. The note was signed off saying "love forever."
That "forever" part set me to thinking how abusers like them never change. Though 3 times convicted of crimes in South America, they forever have lied since then claiming innocence, just as they have lied forever about using their fists on me constantly, just as they now forever continue this workplace harassment by whatever means they can.
It reminded me of an episode of The West Wing tv series. In it, Pres. Bartlett has a therapy session to help him with insomnia. It turns out that the president has PTSD insomnia from childhood because his abusive father beat him. During the session, the therapist points out that the president drove himself to overachieve his whole life to try to get his father to stop beating him.
The therapist says it was pointless to satisfy his abuser because, as far as the president's pleasing his abusive father to get him to stop hitting him, it was "never, ever going to happen." No matter what we may try to do to please our abusers, to use my dad's word in his FedExed note to me today, they are "forever."
All we can do as their chosen ones is set boundaries and, when breached, repair and maintain them forever, too. Support welcome as I try to do that while triggered on this abuse anniversary contact from my abuser. Thank you.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
So sorry for this huge trigger.
So hard when we set boundaries and people cross them anyway.
It must have been a shock to get that note.
And it perhaps is making you feel unsafe right now while your PTSD spikes?
muji,for you to have endured all of that horrible abuse,and become the golden hearted,compassionate,empathetic,and wise soul you are is an inspiring thing.
Because you very well could have only become dark and bitter.
You could have continued the cycle of abuse but you didn't.
You are such a strong survivor.
You are not alone in this.
When you retire, it will be MUCH harder for people to find you. Just make sure that you give the college a PO Box for a forwarding address, and get that PO Box in a city near you...rather than at your exact location. Also, if you wish, there are also mail processing centers, that you have have your mail sent to, where they will then send on your mail to any location that you specify.
As for your parents, I'm sorry. I know that it's hard.
Myself I just came down from a nearly constant 2 day panic attack. I feel run over by a dozen trucks.
Understanding hugs, Patti
But you're not that helpless child anymore mi amigo. You're a strong, morally sound man. Just look at what you've achieved for yourself with no help from them. You have, and continue to overcome their painful legacy and have built a life of your own, that you can be proud of.
Your parents are in all likelihood jealous of that in a sick twisted way. Why on earth should you acknowledge one of their birthdays? All they are trying to do is guilt trip you and toxically shame you so they don't have to feel bad about their abuse of you. Eff that for a game of soldiers mate!!! Don't let them do that to you. It's not your fault they effed their own lives up and tried to eff yours up too, because they didn't want you to have a better life than them.
You don't owe them a damn thing my friend. But you owe yourself some kindness and care. Be a good enough parent to that hurt scared little boy still inside you. You've already taken positive steps in protecting Little Muji by seeing off their ex FBI agent of doom aka flying monkey. If you're not familiar with that term then I suggest you research narcissistic abuse.
Sounds to me like you may need to have the police visit them if they continue to harass you by post at your workplace. You did it with their harrasser by proxy so you can do it with them. Have a little faith in yourself mate, some confidence that you can stand up to your parents and the world won't end and you won't fry in hell for eternity for defying them.
It says in the Bible to honour your parents. Well they dishonoured you mate, time and time again, as a little boy and they're still doing it now. Enough is enough. You are your own man and you don't belong to them, you are not their possession to abuse as they see fit.
They need to learn that lesson my friend, and PDQ. I don't care how old they are or that you share DNA with them. They are bullies, pure and simple. And once you stand up to them you will feel so much better.
Stuff how they bloody feel Muji!!! You've suffered too much and for too long because of them. They need to know that choices and actions lead to consequences. They are still hurting you.
Don't bloody let them!!!
More hugs for you Muji. You can do it. We believe in you :)
You have overcome them time and time again. And you will find a way to overcome them again. Your strength is the quiet in reserve kind, and even though you are triggered you will self care yourself through this. You have all your friends here in your corner with you. You have won in many ways friends, but the biggest way you have won, have overcome is that you maintained your good heart and compassion for others. Something i used to do might help you too. When they cross those boundaries and you end up feeling like this think of it as God’s permission to be compassionate with yourself as well as others, and his reminder to you that you have done the right thing in creating the boundaries to begin with. He knows we sometimes suffer from guilt about self caring for ourselves, this is his way of saying don't feel guilty about self care, its one of the greatest ways to thank God for giving you life. Hugs hugs and more giant hugs
BPD's and narcissists think the world owes them and they will never be convinced otherwise. In their minds they consider victims who freed themselves from their tyranny, traitors.
My dad is Asian and I spent a good chunk of my childhood being raised in an Asian culture. In that culture, they expect you to bring honor to your father even if it kills you. And your Asian relatives expect it even after his death. My father was an abusive narcissist (possibly bipolar and schizophrenic but undiagnosed). Even after escaping his abuse AND that country (civil war), my relatives continued expecting us kids to make amends and honor him. Of course I never did and never spoke to him again til his death (2 yrs ago).... I did what I had to do to keep a healthy psyche.
I don't blame you for keeping your distance from them. It is not healthy to allow that kind of thing around constantly disrupting your life. Big hugs, Muji. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
Anyway who are we to judge? Both NPD and BPD are serious mental disorders. However, at the end of the day they are just labels. And just because a person is mentally ill it doesn't give them a free pass to be abusive especially to their own offspring. I think that's what we need to focus on here. Abusers are abusers are abusers,, and that's that.
I just hope Muji can reestablish his boundaries with his toxic parents and feel safe and at peace again. Bless him.
I’m glad your workplace set up to that jerk for you. It’s beyond unacceptable.
While I was in contact with my toxic parents, I told my dad about being a substitute teacher now. I told him don’t tell mom because she’ll call every school in the district to try and find me. He laughed but I know he never told her because that is exactly what she would do. I said it as a joke but more truthful than joking. Thankfully my dad understands how messed up my mom is, though he’s totally messed up too, but he understands boundaries in a way that she doesn’t.
Can you put return to sender on anything you get from them? Is there something they can do in the mail sorting area your job? I wish I knew what suggestions I can give in this case. I don’t really have any just that I support you.
Messing with my head at my workplace on my abusive dad's birthday fits a pattern of my family's parental abuse. My parents resented that I didn't support their missionary careers. I didn't believe in their attacks on other churches in Latin America for sheep stealing purposes to add members to their own flock. Instead of supporting their missionary careers, what I did with their taking me to grow up in South America was to earn a Spanish doctorate and teach Latin American culture.
They never got that it was about a love of culture. As far as culture was concerned, they couldn't have any. Culture was worldly to them, forbidden in the code they lived by as they misused religion as denial of their mental illnesses. The only explanation of my interest in culture left to them, then, had to be that I was using culture just to embarrass them. Rather than be proud that I won a Fulbright to do research in Uruguay or be proud I got tenure twice or that I wrote a book on South American literature, they had to take my being a Spanish professor as a personal affront. In their narcissism they actually made themselves believe that I had spent 40 years teaching culture just to spite them, not because I loved my subject area like I do. So it fits that they'd send me a nasty note to my workplace.
As you all said in your lovely replies here to my thread asking for support, it's all about them, not me. You're right. Gracias.
I’m so sorry that happened. Please be extra gentle with yourself ......
Sending lots of support & gentlest of hugs <3