Oh wow...That must be pretty stunning to realize.

Are you safe? Is your friend safe?
I'm wondering if you and your friend would both be able to sit down and try to piece together stuff...if not now, at some point?

Me too. Mine family carried the show coast to coast. Literally. LA to Philadelphia. It was not always families. Sometimes just groups of random strays.

It has been a couple of decades since I gave up the fight and let myself remember. Nasty as the reality is, there is no reality that can match the nebulous demons and phantoms the repression conjured up in my mind.

Ich verstehe. I understand. Entiendo. Indinitawaa.

May the peace of acceptance grow beautiful flowers in your heart.

Here it is the middle the of night and I find my mind wanting to go back in denial, but I feel in my heart and in my gut I am right. The memories all seem to fall in place, but wow. At the beginning of June I would have thought someone had lost there mind if told me I would be here with all there memories today. I went from from a boy and my father to this with so much pushing forward to this point in two and half months. A lot to take in.

When the first 18 years of my life came back, they came back in one chunk and I think I spent the first 6 months after that in a dazed panic (or a panicked daze).... Never anything like what you describe, but I certainly know that feeling of "No, can't be!" when your gut and deeper Self are saying, "Yeah, sorry, it is"....

Take your time. Take it slow. Take it as you safely can. I didn't like how the pieces fell into place for me---but I know for some of my dad's sibs' kids? It's worse. So... breathe gentle. Keep yourself safe. Be careful with you.

Healing hopes to you,
Leo

Yes, I'm so sorry this happened, yet I'm glad arfie was willing to share that you're not alone even in this. It boggles the mind such that who wouldn't be in denial about it? Yet it's real. Fortunately, there are those like arfie willing to validate it; and offer support.

Thanks, arfie, for how you share your story to help.

Wishing you clarity and peace. I too am struggling with memories and the fight within.

I never had a chance to forget because of the continuence in one form or another. That the ones you should be able to trust...are the ones inflicting the damage.

I like what arfie said.(language challenged here)

"May the peace of acceptance grow beautiful flowers in your heart."

It has allowed me to accept that others also have survived these horrors, and come out the other side...better than the majority that have no idea about that kind of life. There are many people such as that, who do understand.
Gentle hugs along with the rest here. Welcome.
Jewells

I am a devout gardener. When I have no garden I can piddle in, I am out nursing wild herbs. Now that I can actually remember my childhood, I can confidently call it, "A compulsion I seem to have been born with."

It helps me to think of these nasties as fertilizer and to imagine myself spreading the fertilizer in ways to make the world a better place. "Growing beautiful flowers..."

That drive to go back into denial is natural enough. Habits die hard.

Part is still liike what, but I am on break from my retail job and it is so hard. I feel like screaming how can everyone act so normal ,but I know it is me that I wonder how I can act so normal when inside nothing is normal and i am trap with all the emotions going on inside. Feel like I am barely containing everything, but have to.

In my personal retrospect, cj, I don't believe it just "feels like" an inundation. I think it is the real McCoy. An honest to goodness whelming. A dam breaks inside of me and all the repressed emotion comes rushing through. I also believe "honest to goodness" is more than a figure of speech here. It is a true honesty which really can lead to goodness.

Whether that holds true for you, or not, I am sending you gentle support and encouragement. Letting yourself do some screaming might actually help... It is worthy of some screams. Let it out. You have held it in long enough. Maybe do some pillow punching? Take that, you pervy recall!!!!

Survived work with your guys support it helped...thought about the support and understand here and it helped get me though the shift. Thanks. Now the hardest part the night ahead. I only sleep avg of e hours the last couple of weeks and before that not much more, so long night ahead but will remember what u guys have said and remember the support.

My friend was not involved in it. Is a friend from college. She has been following what's been going on and said it seemed like it was that way....she gave me my voice that I was to afraid to give one.

Congratulate yourself profusely for every successful step, cj. Let making it through that shift in the face of all this be a big accomplishment. And it really was.

Hope you were able to follow up with some much needed rest. So, or no, be gentle with yourself. You are doing great.

Thanks. Had nigtmares, but slept more than I have in a while. Anxiety really, reallly high from nightmares, but going to start work in aa second. I am shaking. Hopefully that will going away.

The nightmares were part of it for me, too. This step unleashed allot the garbage I had been repressing and it surfaced in the form of nightmares and anxiety. Thinking of it as a psychic detox process helped me. Purging toxins can feel bad, but it is worth the discomfort.

You are doing great, cj. You can do this.