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I checked my community college email address to see if my tenure committee had told me yet where & when my 2nd tenure interview was to be tomorrow. Instead, I found this email from a former student who says that when I was her instructor she thought I was "weird." But she saw me speak about PTSD at a church recently, and changed her mind to thinking I was supportive as her instructor.
That's pertinent because the "sole" topic tomorrow, according to the tenure committee's email to me, is that while 4/5 of student comments are extra positive, the few are extra negative. Then there are some like her, that mature. If I don't get tenure tomorrow, at least I know it wasn't all in vain. Here's her email, edited for anonymity. Pray for me for tomorrow, please.
"Hey (Muji),
I have been meaning to write to you since I saw you at the (name deleted) Church that Sunday. First of all, you did a fabulous job, it takes a lot to keep my attention for an entire sermon and you managed to accomplish that, so that's the first thing. The second thing is, which I did not have a chance to adequately explain to you, is that I am sorry for the way I acted or reacted when we first met. I was going through so much then and I couldn't see the beauty of love it had hit me over the head. You said to me one time that you really loved me and you made me look you in the eye and I never appreciated that or thanked you for doing that.
In fact, I probably thought it was weird, that you were weird. I had known the pain of cruelty and hate for so long that I had not yet become acquainted with how to let someone genuinely love me. I don't know that I'm all the way there yet, but I'm closer than I have ever been. I was stuck in a town, a life, a miserable existence that I did not want. I was sick and tired and holding on mostly by a hair. (name of VP who happens to be on my tenure committee deleted) was my only solace and friend, or so I thought, and I couldn't even let him in far enough to love me. I was shutting down and I could not see anything positive in my life.
I managed to graduate from graduate school this May and since then things have taken a terrible toll. I had to move out of my house for lack of finances, move to a new area, and live with friends, that was the woman that was with me on Sunday. I finally decided to go to an intensive treatment group here in (town name deleted) and for the first time in like 15 years, I felt I had a chance of changing, or having a better life of having a future and hope. That's when I decided to look up churches, that Sunday was my second attempt at a new church and my very first day at that particular church and you happened to be there that day. I do not think that that was mere coincidence.
In any case. I just wanted to say that you looked great and I was unbelievably and surprisingly very pleased to see you there. It brought back old fond memories of our talks. I couldn't see what you were offering back then but I have to thank you for loving despite my being lost and for holding my pain. I apologize that it took me this long to recognize your impact and honestly if I hadn't seen you that day I may never have even realized it. You were kind to me and friendly and nice and you didn't expect anything of me except to be myself. I don't get that often.
So thank you for being there, for being supportive, for being my friend, even when I wasn't a friend to myself. Thank you for loving me through pain and hurt and tears and confusion and thank you for showing me that grace is possible. Many blessings to you, my friend and I hope to still be around when you come back for your other sermons.
In Peace,
(name deleted)"
That's pertinent because the "sole" topic tomorrow, according to the tenure committee's email to me, is that while 4/5 of student comments are extra positive, the few are extra negative. Then there are some like her, that mature. If I don't get tenure tomorrow, at least I know it wasn't all in vain. Here's her email, edited for anonymity. Pray for me for tomorrow, please.
"Hey (Muji),
I have been meaning to write to you since I saw you at the (name deleted) Church that Sunday. First of all, you did a fabulous job, it takes a lot to keep my attention for an entire sermon and you managed to accomplish that, so that's the first thing. The second thing is, which I did not have a chance to adequately explain to you, is that I am sorry for the way I acted or reacted when we first met. I was going through so much then and I couldn't see the beauty of love it had hit me over the head. You said to me one time that you really loved me and you made me look you in the eye and I never appreciated that or thanked you for doing that.
In fact, I probably thought it was weird, that you were weird. I had known the pain of cruelty and hate for so long that I had not yet become acquainted with how to let someone genuinely love me. I don't know that I'm all the way there yet, but I'm closer than I have ever been. I was stuck in a town, a life, a miserable existence that I did not want. I was sick and tired and holding on mostly by a hair. (name of VP who happens to be on my tenure committee deleted) was my only solace and friend, or so I thought, and I couldn't even let him in far enough to love me. I was shutting down and I could not see anything positive in my life.
I managed to graduate from graduate school this May and since then things have taken a terrible toll. I had to move out of my house for lack of finances, move to a new area, and live with friends, that was the woman that was with me on Sunday. I finally decided to go to an intensive treatment group here in (town name deleted) and for the first time in like 15 years, I felt I had a chance of changing, or having a better life of having a future and hope. That's when I decided to look up churches, that Sunday was my second attempt at a new church and my very first day at that particular church and you happened to be there that day. I do not think that that was mere coincidence.
In any case. I just wanted to say that you looked great and I was unbelievably and surprisingly very pleased to see you there. It brought back old fond memories of our talks. I couldn't see what you were offering back then but I have to thank you for loving despite my being lost and for holding my pain. I apologize that it took me this long to recognize your impact and honestly if I hadn't seen you that day I may never have even realized it. You were kind to me and friendly and nice and you didn't expect anything of me except to be myself. I don't get that often.
So thank you for being there, for being supportive, for being my friend, even when I wasn't a friend to myself. Thank you for loving me through pain and hurt and tears and confusion and thank you for showing me that grace is possible. Many blessings to you, my friend and I hope to still be around when you come back for your other sermons.
In Peace,
(name deleted)"
You needed this boost.
It maybe a good reminder for your upcoming meeting. You have a lot more positive feedback than negative. Focus on all the good. Address the negative by showing them how you have grown from the negative feedback.
It was just the culmination of how she's doctored my paperwork all along, even though I stood up for myself time after time. It's possible to railroad somebody unethically but do it by the book legally. Check out all of those movies about teachers most students love, but they get fired. It's a whole movie genre now. The movie "Conrack" is an example, by and about the brief teaching career of Pat Conroy, who just died this week. He also wrote "The Prince of Tides."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conrack
Nonetheless, even though it probably won't stop me from having tenure denied tomorrow, it sure came at the right time for my battered self esteem as a teacher. Yay for being a weirdo!
Thanks for hanging in there with me about this tonight, y'all. It's stressful, but it would be lots more stressful alone, so having you along with me here means everything. Bless you all.
I am a 58 never to late college Babe! ha!
The email was a great thing to get. I hope the best for you.
J.
I have that meeting in a couple of hours now. Thanks for the support for me going in.