I'm so sorry for the limited options available financially. It's so unfair, when on the other hand you've developed such great psychological and spiritual resources for dealing with PTSD and its toll on you and your loved ones. And you share them so well here with us.

I'm so glad your daughter stopped seeing this man who wasn't healthy for her--literally not healthy with those seizures she was having. In a tv movie of the week, that would be the happy ending, fade to black, soundtrack swells, credits. But life's not a tv movie of the week, is it? And now there's this about living with grandmother and wanting to come back to you to live with you, her mother.

It must work on your guilt not to have a reward for her now that she's turning to you for support after she did the right thing getting rid of this guy. Yet mold is real. My building at work has been closed down for a month for mold extraction.

On the other hand, as you say in closing, if mold didn't keep her away, she might return and then begin seeing that guy again. So maybe it's for the best. It's hard, though, and I sure am sorry.

I do have good coping skills. I can get through this. This is just drama for the sake of drama that others are dragging me into... my daughter is 22 years old. I love her, but she is a grown woman and has made her own bed.

NOT my circus. NOT my monkeys.

She has to put the effort to fix her living situation as does her grandmother. I can't hold her hand for the rest of her life.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

I love my daughter. I really like my mom-in-law. Right now I can't hold hands for others. I have to give all my energy to getting packed. The sooner I can get out of his house, the sooner hubby will get healthy again. Then we can go spend a few months or a year down there, living in an RV on the property, but not in the same house, to help the two of them get this all worked out. they will just have to muddle through until then.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

My focus needs to be here, now, and dealing with me and this house. I can do this. I have the tools to do this.

THANK YOU for reminding me of that!!!

Yadlim and critters (and hubby!!!)

Gelntle hugs of support, Yadim.

To be blunt? And I ask forgiveness in advance... My parents did not play any tough love with my older sister. She sponged off them and so on till she could move in with a fiancee---and it was much the same routine of tears at the criticism and hardship she faced anywhere else--- and so she lived like a teenager who got to play dress-up and go to work but never had responsibilities once her job hours ended. It was *not* beneficial to her long-term development---did nothing for her health---looking back, I'm so glad I bailed out and didn't go back except to visit! It was much tougher, but it was better for *me* in the long run.

For one thing, it taught me to deal with stuff, and not have anyone around to always rescue me. Granted, I did not have Critical Grandma. I lived with roaches, rats, and what I suspect was a drug dealer downstairs---but that taught me to find ways to cope with the unpleasant in life. Maybe it's time for your daughter to learn? With respect to you, because as a non-parent, I know I cannot really understand---but has she asked her grandmother what is so offensive, made any concessions, expressed gratitude for a place to live, suggested ways to maintain each party's privacy? I *do* live with my elderly mom and belivee me, that personal space issue will set her off faster than anything.

It's not your job to play mediator but maybe suggest that someone outside the family does so? Someone knwon to both parties?

I say all that because I agree, her moving back is *not* the solution. mold is *dangerous* in ways even that ex-boyfriend ain't. You can get a restraining order against people. Mold doesn't give a dang.

Blessings for healing and peace for you,
Leo

Meant to add: Then you can get on with packing and get out of the mold-fest. Yeeeks!

Thank you Leo, yes, you can be blunt with me. I KNOW that your intentions are my best interests.

I have protected my daughter as much as I could - but her real childhood was over when she was five and I started having several panic attacks a week. I can only guess at the emotional damage I have done as she has had to periodically be the adult her entire life to take care of me when I simply could not.

When I rode my horse too deep into the river only to discover he was one of the rare horses who does not swim... it was my eight year old who waded into the river and pulled his unconscious body from the water - and mine.

When I lay in a field after being thrown from a horse, it was my 13 year old daughter who bullied her friend with a learner's permit to drive my Suburban to a neighbor where a phone could be borrowed and an ambulance called.

When being my ride to and from my college classes, it was my daughter who would assess my mental and physical state and decide yes or no if I could go to class that night....

So I know that most of the clash that is going on is that she sees that her grandmother is in her 80s and not physically able to do what she is doing, so daughter is trying to step in and take over... which no one likes.

But your right. SHE has to figure this out. Hubby has offered to be the mediator between the two, which will keep at least some of the stress off of me.

As soon as I get pain under control, I am on to packing today....

wish me luck!
yadlim and critters

I agree with, Leo.

Mold is not good for her heath and sounds like she needs the miles between her and her ex. I think in time, things will settle down and they will be able to live in harmony better. I am glad you husband is helping the situation. You love your daughter, that is why she is where she is. :)

Oh Lilly I love you so much!!!!

I am getting out as soon as I can... We have air filters going in all rooms and have implemented systems that change the air in the house every hour.. which the mold guy says is enough for while we pack. If I could get out any sooner, I would... this house scares me.

I know it will be years before our health recovers from this mold... My goal is to be out by the end of the month... I wish I could just pick up and walk away... hubby won't do it. I won't leave without him. So I pack and I clean. and I pray.

I think maybe you need to hear this from a kid with PTSD from a shi*y situation as a kid. (I was a caretaker/crisis-solver/MOm-deputy from age 10 onward.) Not the same circumstances, but I have some idea why your daughter wants to "step in"---it means controllilng something she can see, which is easier than working on the self by far, as so many of us know.

Sorry to shout it out But YOU did not do this!
My dad did not "do" it when he was sick---he was sick. End of story. The illness made life hard, and my sister was an abusive useless piece of sh*t to be polite (I get anger issues when I think how she, five years older, dumped it on me, too---hello? Big diff between a fifteen year old helping care for someone and a TEN year old. Big. Still not great, but....)

And I learned my mom's alcholism was a disease. It was what made her that way---not her.

You did it without malice, that is the *hugest* thing I can emphasize. Without *malice*. No malice means so much. My sis did it to me with malice; my dad was a mean SOB. My mom? Was in over her head and her PTSD did mean I got a good extra dose of "lost" childhood maybe---or maybe what I learned was that a crisis is not beyond me. Point is, the fact she had no malice was huge.

And she doesn't have to "step in" to "control" the grandma situation---tho' it might make her feel better with her issues (ah, how we love control)---so I think having your Hubby mediate is a great idea:-)

I'll keep good thoughs for you and yours.

:-)

(That's thoughts. Ugh. Humid weather screws up my laptop. It hates it worse than I do. OSrry. for typos.)

Thank you Leo... I did need to hear that. My husband and I have had hundreds of discussions over the years of "how can we be better parents? What can we do to best prepare her for real life?" She is a strong young woman who is trust worthy and dependable - if lousy at cleaning!

One thing we have always tried to do is be consistent, loving, and make sure that there were twice as many smiles as frowns. I have put everything I have into giving her the best life I can... Heck, I even have plans to take her horse out on a trail ride tomorrow rather than mine so that when she can afford to keep her own horse, she won't have any trouble with the filly's training backsliding!

Thank you all. This has been so hard for me.

I have gotten a lot done on the house today so far, but it is time for a nap to recharge my energy. My goal today is to finish the back bedroom to use as a staging point to get the boxes and bins out of the rest of the house.

yadlim who is tired, but feeling better (especially for that bubble of fresh air from Lilly!!)

Wow, you have a lot of crap that is going on in your life.

You have to help yourself first before you can help your daughter. You yourself are in a situation that is unhealthy, you need to get out of that first.

I was in an abusive relationship and wanted to help my only child so desperately. I wanted a better life for my son, without having to deal with a raging lunatic.

But that actually got me into more trouble because I did not want to leave until I could make sure that I could help my son first. I did not realize that decision dragged me down more and more. Because not only could I not help my son, but this monster took that chance to increase the abuse dramatically during the last couple of years I was there.

I had to get myself out first and that monster would have harassed me and my son anyways, regardless where we were. I tried to protect my son as best as I could but if I would not have gotten away from that monster I would not be alive today. I would only be a mere shadow of myself. Now this monster has found someone who will help pay bills, the main reason that this monster got married. This monster continues to tell lies about me and I do not care.

I wish my son would know that his father is the monster.

"She has to put the effort to fix her living situation as does her grandmother. I can't hold her hand for the rest of her life." That is some outstanding insight yadlim!! I'm so proud of you!

And I agree with Pampasgrass, "You have to help yourself first before you can help your daughter."

I think helping yourself IS helping your daughter. The best help you can give her is being and staying healthy. I believe holding her hand will hurt both of you. Handholding has a dangerous potential for codependence.

I'm soooo in agreement with Lilly that you should physically remove yourself from the mold ASAP. And I'm glad you are taking the mold problem seriously. You're such an insightful person! Good mindset. Good attitude. Great personal insight! Keep up the good work and don't be too hard on yourself.

It has helped me in the past when I started to expect my family to take care of themselves. My situation has to do with addiction in my family and the abuse it causes. I expect addicts to be in recovery meaning they go to their meetings and get therapy and see their doctor and do anything else they need to do to stay sober. I hold myself to the same standard. I do what it takes to take my medication as prescribed, see my doctor and therapist when necessary, and go to my meetings which include al-anon.

The second standard I hold myself and my family to is sharing that I am in treatment and they are in treatment. My family has my permission to ask me "have you taken your medicine?" and "when was the last time you saw your doctor?" and "when is your next doctor appointment?" and "when was your last meeting?"

In the end, we're family and family gets to ask about personal issues while respecting privacy at the same time. Until everyone is comfortable sharing exactly what they are doing to take care of themselves, nobody can communicate effectively. All I need to know is THAT they are seeing a doctor, getting therapy, staying sober...etc... I respect the doctor/patient confidentiality. I don't want or need to know what they are treated for.

I hope this helps. I strongly encourage you to keep taking the best care of yourself you possibly can and expect that your daughter can and will do the same for herself. In my opinion, you just aren't capable of being a resource, but you can point your daughter in the direction of real help. My mother used to call me in tears when she was living with my older brother. I listened and I told her a therapist could listen AND bring really effective treatment into the conversation. Moms and dads and siblings and even WebMD are great starting points. But the line between personal and professional support is years, and years of EXPERIENCE. You have experience cultivating a relationship with your daughter. A therapist or doctor has experience applying an incredible amount of knowledge about coping with emotional trauma. They do it for a living. And the good ones have good boundaries and don't get personally invested.

The best conversations I have with my mom now are when she and I talk about how things are going with our doctors and our treatment. We support and validate each other so much. I'm proud of her. And proud of myself.

I hope this helped. Take care of yourself. And at the risk of "beating a dead horse" please get out of that house!

I want to thank you all. You have all been so great.

In the last couple of days things have turned around quite a bit for my daughter and mom-in-law with hubby acting as translator. My daughter also got a call back yesterday on a job she interviewed for last week - she got it. It is only part time, but at least it is something. She might have to send me her dog so grandma does not have to take care of it while daughter is working, but the dog is more than welcome here. We actually quite miss the little 4lbs of monster!

And all of you have been keeping me motivated to keep packing! I tend to get overwhelmed sometimes. We have lived in this house for just over 10 years (a couple months over 10 years actually) and as we tend to be hoarders, most of it is filled from floor to ceiling. I now have one room that is almost entirely empty to stage what we are keeping into. I am using what we are not keeping as bribery to get people to come and help.

As we have been doing medieval and Renaissance recreation and vending for decades, I have literally several thousand dollars worth of costumes and stuff waiting to be payment for those who will help me pack.

Alright. off to do 20 minutes of packing than a nap.

love and hugs!!!

yadlim and critters