My relationship of 2 years flowed away because of my ptsd if you could try talking to him . It will hurt him more not knowing your pain

Well I can kind of relate in that I believe I have ptsd from my husband's addiction issues among other traumas I've experienced. One of his addictions was with porn so needless to say I have and still can get triggered by many things involving his addictions. For years this slowly ate at who I was even after he got help started recovering was doing better and really being someone I never thought he could be. The damage in me was done. I was suspicious all the time would go through major depression periods where I didn't care about our relationship assumed it would end felt sorry for myself (I could hang out in that camp for a long time) it was literally destroying what little of a marriage we had left. I finally realized what I was doing was not helping me it wasn't helping our marriage and I needed to try something else. I needed to work on me. One of the hardest things to overcome for me was not wanting to be a victim again I mean he did it once what's to stop him from doing it again? I don't want to look like the fool. These are very powerful ideas for me they drove a lot of self protecting behaviors and I'm sure were all stemming from the abuses I've suffered during my childhood. I couldn't love my husband and self protect at the same time. So I had to do something New. I had to find a better motto to live by and I found it. I decided that no matter what he does or doesn't do I Have to be true to who I want to be. In me is to be a good wife I am faithful, I want to be respectful, caring and loving, I don't always have to have my way etc. I would be this person if I was married to my husband or someone else. These are my values. Its not about him deserving those tthings it's about me and who I am. I feel good when I am doing things because that's who I am. If who I am is based on how I feel about my husband than I am all over one day I love my husband I'm doing all these things next day I am sure he is sneaking around and he'll be lucky to get fed and forget cleaning the house, this type of living is exhausting, I had to stop that. So what do I do about the real possibility he ends up going down that road again. Well here's What I figure just as I am focused on myself and making choices that are good for me my husband is doing the same. He's making choices for himself and he has to live with that person is he going to be someone that cheats and lies and hides? I can't make that choice for him if that's what's in him and that's who he is than eventually it will work it's way out I, that he won't have me for a wife and he will have to live with those choices. It doesn't change who I am. As I've been looking at it more that way I don't feel So afraid and as I have been making choices and behaviors that line up,with who I am I have gotten so much stronger inside. I'm not the shell if a person I once was that depended on my husbands approval love and acceptance. I don't trust my husband but I've made a commitment to whole heartedly trust God. At the end of the day I have to be happy with who I am and the choices I make. I try to live by that it helps. Yes the triggers are still there but I try to be a loving person most of the time I am much more consistent than before. My marriage is better than ever didn't expect that but for now things are good and I'll take it. I pray for my husband every day and do my best. I don't know if any of this helps you but at least you have company and some long ramblings from me. You can do anything you need to and it can get better for you. Marriage isn't like the movies make it look but if you let it it can be a great grower of self. Like iron sharpening iron.

I am certainly no expert on relationships but I what heart had to say about getting stronger for yourself and doing the things that make you who you are and who you want to be in the relationship. I also like what she said about talking to your husband. I think that you have been there through all his stuff and if you could maybe explain how you feel about all of that and tell him how much that has triggered you and now it is his turn to support you through your Ptsd about it that you might be surprised at what he is able to do. Maybe go to counseling together. That maybe something that could help and even save your marriage- I don't know. I don't know how long you have been married but I knowbi would do all I can to save my marriage enless there was serious abuse. People are always so quick to divorce now a days cause they don't have to try and work things out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get divorced here just really think about it all first like heart did cause if you don't figure it out here its bound to come up as a lesson again next time around. Gentle hugs and support.

Oh boy. Tough one. A marital issue helped crack open the door to my PTSD zombies and that was... not good. two years since I officially entered therapy for just myself and not marriage, and it's sucking.

My PTSD comes from being in a not-so-great family situation as a kid.... and then having life atop that just wear out whatever coping I could do. My hubby is a huge support to me. As I try to be to him.

But if there's a chance you can do joint counseling? It may help. Just with your PTSD---not anything else. My hubster has sat in on one of my two weekly therapy sessions every week for almost two years, and it does several things for us. 1. If *we* have an issue, it's immediately addressed. 2. If he has questions about PTSD or similar, he's right there and asking a pro, not *me*. 3. I don't have to rehash anything more than once. I go to therapy, it's out, it's done, he knows where I'm at and what the therapist is doing. I'll add I've been married over 20 years, so this is our third round of marital counseling (and ironically the least intense).

Wish I could fix it, but all I can say is what I've done...

Welcome to the board.

Having ptsd is so hard on relationships but your ptsd was caused by the actions of your partner. This is a tough spot to be in. I would suggest you find a therapist for your ptsd and both of you go see a marriage counselor. This is a very complicated situation. I think between the 2 therapists you will find the answer on stay or leaving the relationship.

PS. I am a couch person too.

((Hugs))

Thanks for all the kind words folks.

Sara, in the past I have talked to him about what his actions do to me sometimes but being he is quite sensitive and quickly gets overwhelmed by guilt (family history) I curtailed my sharing a while ago in order to protect him. You're right, this now hurts him so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes I share, sometimes I don't. I never use to have a difficult time talking to him, trusting him or letting him in emotional but now I have a very difficult time letting him in for several reasons.

Hearts, I hear ya. I was never under the misconception that relationships and marriages were easy but at the same time I foolishly thought that if I married my best friend we'd be OK no matter what the Universe threw at us. I was young and dumb I guess. I'm working really hard at getting back to the core of who I am and then going from there.

So, I haven't been on the boards in nearly a month. Three days ago my husband went to live with w some family members, we are on a trial separation. He was really hurt by my asking for this and I tried to explain the reasoning as best I could. He's my biggest trigger and it's very difficult to manage those triggers and get better when they're constantly coming up. We have done couples counseling before but ended it when the counselor crossed a line and broke my trust during a session. It is something I am willing to revisit with a different counselor but at the immediate moment I need space to breath and some time to decompress. I do a lot of physical activity and other use other tools I've developed to help myself. I am fighting like hell to keep myself and the relationship together because I never thought I would ever contemplate a divorce but what has happened and is currently happening is so intense. I'm a totally different person. A friend who has a wife with mental health issues used a great analogy. He said it's like a boxer in the ring taking hit after hit and over time it's gets harder and harder to get back up. My husband is a good person but I keep taking these "hits" and I'm losing my stamina.

All this being said does not mean this isn't very difficult. It was harder the day before and day of him leaving. Since then I have been fairly numb. I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to evaluate how I feel (Do I feel better without him? Am I lonely without him? Is it different from feeling lonely even with him sitting in the same room as me? Am I more or less jumpy? etc...)

I've noticed that with him being gone I've become hyper vigilant again but instead of for his sake it's for mine. I was stretching after nearly a four mile run and noticed I was paranoid that he would come walking through the door. Every noise I heard from the neighbors made something in me tense then release when I realized it was not him. I used to feel that way knowing he would be back from work soon. I'm not afraid of him, I just hate the triggers and the way they make me feel so I anticipate his return. I don't know if that makes sense but that's all I've got.

Thanks again for the kind words.