I relate to that way of thinking very much.

And I know it doesn't tend to help me, either. It keeps me stuck, often times. Over-analysing the potential worst case scenarios. Bothered that a choice feels risky or sub-optimal. I hate sub-optimal.

Is it okay to not know and pursue joy? Very much yes, I think. But I also understand it's hard. We didn't ask for the internal make-up - for the wanting of logic, and clarity, and certainty.

Sometimes I have moments of managing not to care. In some of the small things. And it turns out to be relaxing. Giving myself permission not to be upset. Not to think a million miles a minute about the optimal, quickest solution. Not to be mentally scrabbling to update the battle map with all conceivable scenarios and options. I'm still trying to get better at it.

Much support to you while you sort and wonder. I'll wonder (and wander) along~

Hugs arfie

Hm-m-m-m. . . Hadn't factored not caring (apathy) into the wander of the wonder. Gots to chew on that part. I don't remember the word, "Dissociation" in my early therapy (70's). That piece of my therapy began with, "Apathy and Denial." It later morphed into "Dissociation" within the same verbal shifting that my "Manic Depression" became "Bi-Polar." I've given up on trying to pinpoint that body of etymology. Apathy appropriate?

I love the simplification of, "Is it okay to not know and pursue joy?" Reminds me of another blurb of, "You can be right or you can be happy."

Rocks of rightness in a cesspool
Only splash up lots of shit
Placing rightness over kindness
Is the misery of it.

Ditto, Lovelil.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I could really connect with "absolute knowledge is my intellectual heart's desire". I hope you start feeling better.

Gentle hug Arf..... I've gotten a lot of good out of my hospital stays when they were needed.....xo