Their first full weekend at Daddys.

I skyped with them while I was at church, between rehearsal and serving. My heart loved it but also it was just really hard. I've never been on the receiving end of their phone calls before. It was really sweet how much they had to tell me. They just get excited and don't know what to say to others. I've been doing a lot of writing and brainstorming and I worked today. 

I start feeling awful and then suddenly wouldn't you know I'm brainstorming again and again. My community really lacks a resource for individuals in crisis to sit down and say I need help with X but can't afford it, what are my options. So crazy me, with the help of my associate pastor, I'm trying to start one. Long term goals include finding a counselor who will host a low cost group therapy of some sort at least once a year at our church. This would bring them into a church with so many programs that have proven to be helpful to people in crisis. Short term goals include being a referral service and praying out loud with people who come to us. Because of my own journey I know of SO many resources. I had to find them myself. So I also know of resources for things I wouldn't even use. I also have a lot of connections that could get me even more resources. 

I'm also writing a book. So that's a lot of writing and brainstorming. That's a lot of distractions. I've hardly cried. I feel like I should be on the floor in a puddle of tears. They call in 35 minutes and then I'm getting in the bath with my new peppermint scented shampoo/body wash that a friend made. It's so soothing. And then I'm going to bed.

This sounds crazy but I am thinking about skipping church tomorrow. I really just want to control anything and I can't. I just want to stay home for no reason. I'm enjoying not working right now/not being in peoples faces right now. I went from work to chatting with my pastor to serving at Celebrate Recovery yesterday and I work in a pretty customer centered business. I'm an introvert. So my energy is gone. And I only slept three hours last night. Maybe a good nights rest will give me the rejuvination I need to get my rear in gear and at least go to life group.

Thanks for being here. There are a lot of ugly things I could say but I'm literally not looking at them. I'm focusing on the things I can grasp - the feelings I can express. I see my new counselor Wednesday. Kinda wonder if I won't just be a speechless pancake by then. Wild. Hanging in here.