Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I had been doing ok for a few days. Lately a few days is like an eternity. I was, of course, blaringly aware of the weekend approaching. I tried to not think about it or let it get to me. I was supposed to be moving so I figured that would keep me busy. Turns out I'm not moving until next weekend...and then a thousand other things happened...set backs.
As if all that wasn't enough, I have family visiting just a few hours away. They've been asking me to come see them. I couldn't commit to it. I knew how much stress it causes on me to know I'll have to fake it for any amount of time outside of what's necessary. They asked again yesterday...I didn't have the excuse of moving anymore. I said "I don't know" a few times before breaking down crying in my kitchen realizing I really just can't. I feel bad...for the kids. I want to see them and I know they want to see me....But kids and babies and families are such huge triggers for me right now. I just can't.
I thought about my grandmother who passed away last year. I haven't seen my extended family since then. I've never really seen them without her. I thought maybe since the setting would be different, it would be okay. And I felt bad...because of the kids...and I was running out of excuses without telling the truth about how I felt...so I said yes. I said I'd leave early this morning and spend the day with them.
Then I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. I felt sick in ways I'm not sure I could explain...just...completely worn down.
It's rare that I sleep through the night but at least lately I've been able to fall back to sleep easily...I don't remember what it was that woke me. But last night the nightmares and flashbacks started up again. I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours. It was hard to fall asleep again after.
People ignoring me despite my efforts.
People I trust telling me they could speak to me if they wanted...I just wasn't worth it.
Random people trying to prescribe medication for me that they were so sure would help despite my telling them I'd already tried and how sick they'd made me.
All of those things bothered me...made me feel like nothing...but the worst...The worst was waking up knowing my grandmother was there in the background of almost every dream. The worst was wanting so desperately to go back to sleep...back to that dream no matter how hurtful it was...because she was there and I didn't get to talk to her. She was just always there...but not there...just out of reach.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I know people think they are being caring and making you feel loved by letting you know how much they want you somewhere and "guilting" you into doing things but sometimes you just need them to move on. I try to remind myself that "No." is a complete sentence but it's just not accepted and I let the guilt get the best of me.
I'm taking care of me today...I'm not doing great and it may not be entirely healthy to isolate myself from everyone but right now I am at least doing this one thing for me and that's the best I can do.