FF--FEELING FRAGILE

Please, something happened at work, and as I share this I'd like to ask that I not be given advice about documenting it, telling the authorities at work, or any further task at this time.  I held myself together long enough to do enough of that, and now that I've gotten home from work this is my safe place and my time to fall apart.  I live alone, so you're it for me, there's no one else to talk to.  I'm having flashbacks, I'm short of breath with a panic attack, and though I'm a grizzled old guy I'm fighting back tears.

I yearn to retire.  I'm really too old for this stuff.  What stuff?  Let me tell you why I'm FEELING FRAGILE.

It happened in the 2nd Spanish class I taught this morning.  The first Spanish class I taught was a total joy.  It was an advanced Spanish class and the students were all students I've had before, so I was comfortable.  We had a great class.

Then it was time to teach my beginning Spanish class next.  I teach verbs in it, and for students to learn those verbs I spell them so they can write them down, then they repeat them after me to learn how to say what they see they've written.

If you're tempted to suggest other more modern or computerized teaching methods, right now please don't, because that's not the point.  The point is how I was triggered by a response that probably would have come at me no matter what other teaching method I had used.  I'm FEELING FRAGILE.

When I began to spell the verb of the day for students to write down, the student sitting right in front of me didn't open their notebook.  I stopped and repeated the verb and said I was spelling it out so the student could write it down.  The student slammed their notebook open in a huff, wrote, slammed it shut again, and sat there right in front of me glaring at me.  

So when I went on to pronounce the same verb and have the class repeat it after me, the same student sat silently in defiance, arms crossed, right in front of me.  I stopped and repeated the verb and asked them to repeat it after me again.

That's when the student blew up at me right there in front of the whole class with no more provocation than that.  Nor more than that!  Yelling, the student accused me of being abusive, of picking on them, and got up and left, slamming the classroom door on the way out.

I was shocked, but I had a whole classroom looking at me for what was next, so I forged on.  For the next hour, the whole class wrote down more verbs, repeated them after me, followed me in clapping in rhythm to verb repetition for memorizing purposes, and followed instructions individually or as a group whenever called on. 

I managed to crack a few jokes at my own expense that students laughed at, and I had another good class.  5 students gathered around me after to say how much they'd enjoyed it and to ask me for more memory tips.  They didn't know I was still shaking inside.  I was FEELING FRAGILE, worried the angry student who left might come back.

My fragile fear was fulfilled.  As I stepped out into the hall to leave, I got intercepted and yelled at right there, with the claim that I had been disrespectful.  I said no, I was just doing my job, like a choir director who was directing a choir or an orchestra conductor who was directing an orchestra, not disrespecting anyone.  I was just doing my job.  I felt I was the one being disrespected.  

The yelling went on, though, out there in the hallway.  Again I said I was doing my job, and repeated that I was like a choir director or orchestra conducto.  That's how my job was, so calling on people to write verbs and repeat them was something I was always going to do.  That way of conducting the class wasn't going to change.  If I or the class weren't their cup of tea, if they felt like they wanted to drop the class, I wouldn't take it personally.

By now I was receiving full on shouting verbal abuse.  Finally, the student stopped and walked away, with a final shout of "God bless you" hurled at me.  I said "God bless you" back, and stood there shaking, FEELING FRAGILE.

That's when I went and told my boss and wrote the whole incident down in detail for her.  After doing that, I went on feeling completely shattered to teach my next class.  I don't know I managed except I thought of how I could vent here about it after work.  That's why I ask again that there be no advice or instructions about doing more about it right now.  I barely managed to do that much. 

I'm afraid, just as the student returned to yell at me after class, I'll get more tomorrow, or the student will drag me before my boss or an administrator for another forum for more of the same.  At this point I just wish I could quit and go on PTSD disability but I want to work 2 more years to afford to retire in Mexico.  I'd like curl up in a ball to protect myself, I FEEL SO FRAGILE.

I have a big class, though, to teach in the morning.  I FEEL SO FRAGILE that I don't know how I'll muster up the courage to teach it.  Over the years I've found my PTSD getting worse with age.  Like I said, I'm getting too old for this stuff.  Feeling fragile, very fragile, and I don't say that often.