Gentle purrs. I was exactly in that spot a while back in the sense of "I cannot go to that doc or this is real"... Gettin gi tover with is much less stressful, in my experience, than worrying about it was. And you *want* to get help. (For yourself, not just for your marriage and hubby.) So that's good. Just breathe slow and easy, and know the puma's giving you a paw-bump.

It is real, with or without diagnosis. The only thing diagnosis changes is the level of healthcare and support you have access to. But, I do know how you feel. I've most likely been living with rosacea that was active on and off since I was 15 years old. I didn't get properly diagnosed until this year (I'm 35). When I finally got diagnosed, I initially felt relieved to know it had a name and a pattern and there were options for constructing a treatment regimen. Then later I cried because it felt "official," and there is no known cure yet. But, now that I have my diagnosis, I'm getting proper care and am living with the condition much better than before diagnosis and proper management.

I was diagnosed in 1995, but "came out of the closet" at work in 2016 when I went up for tenure and made my posting here official as part of my community service in my tenure report the tenure committee had to vote on. I've come here every day for 5 years, and this is my community, so I decided to make it official. I decided it deserved all of the credit other professors get for their community service as advisers to fraternities and sororities and other things they do.

There was backlash because saying I serve here as Community Leader means I have PTSD, too, because this is a peer support site and we're all equal peers with PTSD. The tenure committee decided to do something they had never done with anyone else: call me in for a second interview. In that interview they rudely went back over my record with a fine tooth comb for any negative comment any student ever made on my teaching evaluations. That even though I had an average evaluation rating from students of 4.3 on a 5.0 scale--in other words, a B average, which is pretty good. In that second interview, they warned me that I could not defend myself by mentioning anything good I had done. I could only answer for any bad thing a student had said about me. I checked with a lawyer about that set of rules and he said it was illegal, by the way.

The questions were dumb: was I anti-veteran? I am a combat vet myself; it was that I showed Oscar winning movie The Hurt Locker in class. Did I show a horror movie in class? It was the Netflix sci fi movie Timecrimes about time travel, not horror. Did I take drugs in class? I used an over the counter nasal spray for my allergies. On and on with false rumors created by a tiny minority of less than 7% of my student comments on my teaching evaluations, ignoring the positive comments of 93% of them.

I got tenure anyway in the end, but I learned from the experience that even in 2017 a PTSD diagnosis carries a stigma even among educated professionals who have known you every day in the workplace for 6 years. So your concern about getting officially diagnosed is real.

On the other hand, after my college treated me this way, I pushed back when I got tenure by going to my HR officer. I had her sit down with my college VP and I declared my need for an accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act. The first thing I demanded now that I was officially protected was that the college stop making me teach overloads. It's unfair to all teachers but common nowadays to save the college money. I'd done it for all my years at the college, and that semester I was teaching 8 classes instead of the 5 my contract said I should teach. An extra 3 classes is ridiculous for anyone, but the extra stress was harder with my PTSD.

So this year 2017 I've taught a normal load because I invoked ADA law accommodation with my PTSD. I'm not the VP's favorite any more, he passed me over for a special project this semester. But my normal work load has made my life manageable, especially the PTSD part of my life. So that's the pay off of the label for me.

I'd say welcome the PTSD dx as it gives you ADA protection, yet divulge it carefully, because there's still stigma. Much support to you, SilentOne.

I am tempted to call you a Normie for being anxious about the officiality of an official diagnosis, but. . .

May the relief of being able to develop a plan of action to deal with the symptoms you have been trying to *just get over* compensate for the anxiety of dropping the denial. Hoping the long-term pay-off is worth more than the short-term anxiety, Silen.

Continued support as the mystery unfolds. Healing hopes.

is it one of those all day evaluations - to a neuro psych? i had a dr want to send me for one of those and i refused it - i cannot endure that sort of testing and it doesn't require that sort of testing to diagnose PTSD.

i mean, please don't allow mean drs to push you around. find a kind and gentle dr to help you. nobody needs to be made to feel worse.

my diagnosis took, a visit with my psych dr - when i shared the one memory that threw me on the floor when i actually felt the attached feelings that went with it these many years later.

i also had shared the symptoms and how my life had become changed.

I actually really like having a clear diagnosis.... It then gives us a place to go for signs, symptoms, treatments etc.... Knowledge

I think once we have a diagnosis it's a step towards finding good treatment and eventually finding stability .... Big hug.....xo