I am in desperate need of help and I am losing ways to try to seek help. For the last three years, this will be going on the fourth year of my trauma and it seems though I'm not getting any better. I lost a dear relative of mine back in 2011 and lost a really close friend back in 2012. On top of the two deaths I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused by a relative, which I never thought would happen, well never say never is one thing that I learned.

The sad thing is I trusted this relative and thought that we could have a family style relationship, that wasnt the case. This person's intention was to break me down sexually, mentally, and physically, you could even say emotionally. I was raped, taken at knife point on multiple occasions, coerced to engage in criminal activities such as insurance fraud, selling meth, weighing drugs, and cashing fraudelent checks, luckily I was smart enough not to actually follow through and when I didnt, I got hit in the mouth. I was tied up, taken out to orange groves, told to strip down to nothing which a person could have seen this at any given time. This person went as far as to tell me that they were wanting to make break and take from me, and that if I told anyone they would have killed me or anyone I told and then say that they could cover the body with lyme and nobody would ever find the bodies, we would just be missing or not found ever.

My job reputation as a caregiver got ruined because the abuser made me late for work or where I couldnt even have gone at all. Destroyed my future as being a counselor with a degree in psychology. Totally manipulated me or brainwashed me telling me that my mom and I were criminals and that we were going to go to jail, which we are not the criminals. I endured the abuse for 6 months from this relative, which I have suffered other types of abuse from other family members such as my father so this situation just made it worse. I tried going to the cops, cops didnt do anything, didnt think there were any crimes committed, went to the court systems, they denied me help as well, I knew I wasnt right back in early february 2012, seeked help from mental health professionals but got turned away, and my abuser knew where I was and threatened me to leave, if I didnt leave: my uncle and the rest of the family would have had my stuff packed and I would have been homeless. Tried to ruin my relationship with my friends, a potential boyfriend, and even my mom. My mom has always been there for me.

When this person got arrested the first time, I started to feel like I was going to be able to overcome the abuse and start over, well I wasnt so lucky. I was at work, and i get a text from the abuser saying he was out, all I remember was shaking and that s when things really went downhill. I have a past history of OCD: obessive compulsive disorder and my abuser I believe knew that. Well I have harm ocd, I started to think I was like him, that I was a bad person, that I was living a lie, that I was hopeless and to this day I still feel that way. I'm afraid to be alone, afraid to sleep, for example the other day I dont know if I fell asleep or if I went outside when my mom and stepfather were outside, that makes me nervous. I have been thinking I am just like my relative and that's scary, it's haunting me day in, day out. My negativity and depression have gotten worse, I am desperate, no professional has been able to help me and that scares me, starting to feel really doomed or shall I say hopeless and helpless. People say I need to help myself, dont know how. I go to counselors or ask for help or advice from friends but I'm too stubborn to listen. I'm scared, dont know what to do, can anyone help me?