as a child i thought i deserved the abuse i received. as an adult, i am horrified when adults harm children. No child "deserves" to be abused or victimized or used but as we live in a very real very corrupt world, all too often this is the case.

one of my abusers was not much past being a child herself. She was 16, and by the time i had a clear understanding of her and her actions against me, i was more than twice her age. Also, i had learned by then, my my own experience and "preprogramming" that most often, children who abuse other children are victims of the very same abuse they perpetrate. I never really struggled forgiving her.. However, my father participated to some extent. (he was sleeping with the babysitter) I have a memory of him driving us around town, while she had me sitting on the floorboard in front of her (with my head under her dress) At that time, my father was 26. My memory is actually of a shirtless and headless man, driving our family car, which was our old station wagon. IT made my hatred of my father make alot of sense, though I did have to forgive him also, not because any of us deserve forgiveness, but rather because harboring hatred did nothing for me except make me full of hatred which i did not want to be.

I would have called this post, "Just desserts." The word "just" reference to Justice, and the word desserts, with the plural meaning of, the treat we may eat after dinner (if we were good) but also, what we may or may not deserve, ie, the justice our actions have earned us.

The first thing i think about "just desserts" is, I am not qualified to render judgment. Not judgment of myself, nor judgment of others. I do consider however that I am qualified to judge actions. The actions of my tormentor and my father, that caused me harm were evil, and illegal. Yet, certainly I have also caused harm to others, even to the point of criminal harm. Personally, when i found myself in that precarious position, I rejected my own actions and took responsibility, and subjected myself to the rulers and authorities appointed above us, but i do not think that the power it took to do that came from within me. In the end though, I think the rendering of "just desserts" is far beyond the meager wisdom i have gained in my few years upon this planet. I eat my ice-cream when i want to, and I enjoy love and compassion when i receive it and i work to give others love and compassion as much as i am able.

It does remind me though of something that I do like to think about. There is a saying, "the freedom to swing my arms ends where another persons nose begins" I like this saying, and it is how i try to live, so that nothing I do causes harm to others.

oh, the phrase, "you deserved it" spoken to you time and again by those who abused you? It reminded me of standing in front of many mirrors quoting my father, "lazy no good son of a bitch" as i lived and breathed, any time i saw my reflection, i reaffirmed that horrid statement and continued to call myself that which i had heard so often it had become a mantra to me.

I was 35 years old before i began to stop quoting that phrase anytime i saw my own reflection and (ok this is emotional) I only became determined to stop saying that to myself and of myself because, I had after over a year in therapy shared that phrase inadvertently with my therapist, to his HORROR. He (after hearing my exclamation and that phrase) made a huge production of first, how untrue he considered the phrase to be, and unfair, and unhealthy and in fact, abusive. HE had me make lists of ways that I completely contradicted that phrase, am I lazy? No, not only do i work and earn a wage, but very often gave up my free time to work for my friends just to benefit them. It was not long before the mantra ended because, I had lists of ways that my life and actions disproved me being either lazy or 'no good".

I fully expect, our abusers often spoke words in order to justify their own behaviors. The only reason your abusers told you you deserved it, was because they were trying to justify to themselves, the horrors they were inflicting upon you. It is typical of perpetrators to blame their victims. ie, men who rape women claim, "she was asking for it look how she was dressed"

I do hope by now, you realize that the words of those who abused you, and blamed you for their actions, were just as abusive as their actions and should be completely dismissed.

You and I are in many similar groups. I have read your musings often. You seem compassionate and thoughtful of others. This leads me back to your topic

though i do consider i am not qualified to judge, "just desserts" I am of the opinion that those among us who are either apathetic toward the harm they inflict upon others, or those who actually take pleasure in causing the pain of others, should in fact be locked away from society if their actions break laws. Also, they should not get any dessert after dinner.

to this day, i cannot tell you whether my abusers were serving up "just desserts" or "just deserves." i like dessert, so i stick to "just deserves" just to maintain the dignity of my favorite course in any meal. my hearing is weird enough that "desserts" and "deserves" sound identical to me. i add the abandoning of "deserts" into that phonetic tangle, as well. i have no problem hearing the geophysical "desert" from the other three. i love the desert even more than i love dessert. ahhhh. . . english phonetics. . . gotta love the phun with funetix.

i'll second the notions of rendering judgement. that, too, goes better with "deserves" than "desserts." i feel fully qualified to judge dessert. can i have another slice of that carrot cake, please.

i doesn't want the job of judging who deserves what. may i be recused, your honor?

The words "your hot" in terms of "your hot, so I can do what I want with you" as a justification for the abuse.

The feeling that I deserved everything also rings true to Me most days.

empathy, pineapple. at 68 with more sags than tight spots, i still launch into flight mode when someone compliments me on my appearance. keep your covetous admiration to yourself, perv! ! !

I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with compliments if it comes from a male.

I can't help but question in the neck of my head, are you saying this because you want something else or are you saying this to be genuine.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with compliments if it comes from a male.

I can't help but question in the back of my head, are you saying this because you want something else or are you saying this to be genuine.

my difficulty accepting compliments is far from a single gender struggle. i've been set up by more females than males in genuinely cruel and pointless games. the males are usually pretty straightforward about what they want and i'm exceptionally effective at saying "no."

the females in my life have been far more diverse and sneaky in their manipulations, starting with 5 sisters and mean girl antics in elementary school. mean girls sure love to bully the new girl and i was always the new girl.

i don't for a minute buy the innocent sugar and spice stereotypes.

Yes, girls can be super mean too. When I worked in customer service I saw a lot of it.

i often wonder if growing up with 5 brothers and 5 sisters gave me gender perspectives not often found here in the 21st century. when i listen to 21st century gender bashing sessions, i often wonder what species they are speaking of. methinks the gender traits of humans is closer to dogs than chickens.

just thinking. . . hoping i don't think my way into jail -- AGAIN

for what it's worth
one of the greater mysteries of my childhood is, how did we survive living in houses with ONE bathroom? i still haven't retrieved those memories.

To this day I deserve only bad things

hope healing happens here, wildcat.

Big hug Arf.... I don't know if I've used the term I deserved it.... My situation and symptoms were different than yours however I grew up hating myself ... To this day I can barely stand to have my photo taken

I grew up really messed up.... I don't believe any child deserves to be abused... I always admire people who have good self esteem and confidence

No one was put on this earth IMHO to be hurt and abused..... I see little children walking down my street and I see those of us who were once small and helpless just like that and it makes me furious to the damage that can be done to these little people who have no choice in the matter sadly

helping my foster children through their trauma has taught me quite a bit about how egocentric children can be in the guarding of their pain. at 8 months old when her parents died, so she was functionally oblivious, but both of her elder siblings still feel responsible for the traumas which shaped their early development. the eldest was 6 at the time of the fatal car wreck. 3.5 years later, he still holds himself responsible for the accident because his parents were on their way to the weekly visitation.

it took me a goodly while to acknowledge that i was ever a child. intellectually, the math is not difficult, but emotionally? ? ? i was responsible for my own welfare before i knew what "responsibility" was. i was turning tricks in elementary school. white trash whores hear quite a creative array of "deserves." add in my family's prison legacy in the halls of justice and? ? ?

i mostly avoid using that word. don't ask me to make sense of all that verbal justing.