I feel totally defective and so frustrated with everything. I have to get my psychiatrist to actually diagnose me with it but it's probable that I have something called somatic symptom disorder. It's another mental disorder and it becomes my eighth one. It's bad enough to have 7 mental disorders oh, why did I have to get another one? Of course if I I am logical about it oh, I realize that this is not my fault because one of the causes of it is childhood sexual abuse. It's just another residual effect of what my father did to me. All of my mental disorders are because of him and yet I ended up blaming myself and feeling totally defective. I'm still trying and still persevering and still enduring, and I'm still really fed up. I've gained so much weight recently and there's no logical reason for it. I haven't had any change in my eating pattern. For the most part I'm staying on my meal plan that I had when I got treated for my eating disorder and yet here I am so many pounds heavier and looking so much fatter than I ever wanted to. I know that I am not my size I am who I am inside. That however does not help my clothing fit. I keep having to buy new clothes because my old ones do not fit me anymore and this is frustrating because I am poor and do not have the money to spend on extra clothes when I already have a closet full and dresser full of clothes. Unfortunately they don't fit anymore. I tried breathing and meditating to try to relax and get through this and it doesn't work because I am always in a full-blown panic attack. I'm so antsy anymore that I just can't sit still unless I'm doing something very active. I feel like I am always on the go and totally Restless oh, so when these guided meditations tell me to sit in a comfortable position and breathe and imagine things, I'm able to listen for about 2 seconds and then two seconds and then turn it off. I'm just really overwhelmed and tired of dealing with all of this. Really could use a hug and a permanent fix which I know is not going to happen
We've had a great weekend. We met the grandkids for the first time and they are ADORABLE. They loved the pool here and we went swimming yesterday. My only issue with that is it is not a zero entry pool so not handicapped friendly at all. I met a goal which was to go swimming this summer although I am going to have to find a zero entry pool that i can use year around. I hope I continue to feel...