"I never wanted to mention it or bring it up, but I make no sense without it. It needs to be put away in its box and locked away, never to be mentioned."

If it matters to you...it MATTERS.

I wouldn't say that you're "screwed up"...I'd say more that she heard something in your voice that she cared about.

***

A couple weeks ago my daughter needed an appointment with the doctor. Medically, she's fine. But one of those things that on paper...had to get done. We ended up in and out in 5 minutes.

I'm more than glad if the time saved with my daughter...went to someone who really needed the time.

In an ideal world...that's the way it's supposed to work.

I dread the appt... it's just three hours away. She will want to talk about this and I get too emotional. The drugs that were supposed to help with my depression are not, but they have made me weepy all the time.

It does matter, but I do not wish to deal with it. Talking about this just just serves to show how much guilt I should feel over this. It changed the direction of both mine and my wife's. She did nothing wrong, but she is punished all the same. It is not a case of being taken down a different path in life but a path the we should never have on in the first place. My sin was the smallest infraction but because of politics I am treated like a leper and punished severely.

I do not wish to go. Now, she will have free license to bring this up at anytime. I worked for months to get this into something that could be closed and never thought of again. Each time I think of it, I get furious and ashamed. This is not what should have happened. We worked for years on this project and now it all turned to ashes. I'm and idiot for saying anything. What did I hope to get out of this?

My ex husband grew up in a small town. Graduating class...about 75. That means that everyone knows everyone and has since kindergarten. There's good and bad to that.

One thing that happened, was that the friend of my ex's older brother drove drunk...and killed the best friend of my ex's mother. Small town.

So his younger brother, for a time, moved back to the town. Everyone knew Bass was/is a drunk. So they'd give him rides home. Sometimes they'd give him food. They sort of took care of him.
***
A friend was driving some kids to camp as a favor Unfamiliar roads. Rob blew through a stop sign. A woman was coming the other direction a bit too fast. Everyone walked away, except for the kid in the middle of the back seat...who died.
***
When my son was in second grade, he threw a rock at a passing car.
***
If society put all of the parents in jail who "left marks on their kid" (most states definition of physical abuse)....about 3/4ths of the parents would serve time in jail.
***

I could tell other stories. But my point is, that many of us...do things that we feel shame over. Making things right again, accepting what happened, AND moving forward...isn't easy.

Education is great. (Let's stop drunk driving, let's drive careful and not speed, let's stop physical abuse, let's teach kids not to throw rocks.) But we're all human. And humans aren't perfect.


If whatever happened is years behind you...there is no reason that they should bring the subject up over and over again.

Thor, this has been such a significant piece of who you are. Kurtz wrote that the only way out of shame is to share it. You have done that. Now the journey to change it from shame to a fact of your past begins. Keeping this secret has been a terrible burden. Many times we do need to see it from a more mature perspective to complete that journey. Each time we speak about it reduces the power it has had over us. I have taken that journey more than once, and each time it was worth the journey. Keeping the secret has screwed up your life; time for release from that. Calming and comforting hugs.

Gentle hug Thor.... It isn't insignificant.... It's something that's hurt you a great deal and that's very significant

If you think that things are moving to quickly though I would let your therapist know this

I think Simpson has put it really well..... xo

I've written here before about how I paid for and attended therapy politely every week for 12 whole years before I ever brought up the trauma that set it all off for me, the one I talk about here now all the time. It's a episode in my life as a missionary kid raised in a combat zone. It's not about shame, I have other incidents that are about the shame of being molested as a pedophile. It was sheer fear. Either way, it was not an incident I ever, ever discussed for 12 years of therapy.

My father was an untreated bipolar who'd be reckless when he was in a manic episode. Once he insisted on taking our suburban family out for ice cream during a gun battle going on in the center of our city. My parents argued before we set out on our ride because the news said it was clearly a danger zone. It was a half hour drive to get there, and a terrifying one.

When we got there, a rebel with a Molotov cocktail hit our car with his bomb. It was not the only incident of combat I'd go through as a child acquiring combat PTSD. 6 years of combat followed. That was the kick off of it, though.

.I kept the incident to myself and never told a soul, not even my therapist for 12 years, keeping it quiet as much as I talk about it now because it was that important to me. I get how you're feeling about your session, Thor. I remember it well.