The last ten days have been a whirlwind. Emotionally, I feel like I’ve just finished running a marathon.

came home Friday. Kept up with meds. She complained of belly pain and wouldn’t eat or drink. Saturday morning this was worse. She was crying. Poor girl had never been so constipsted. Doc insisted we do a suppository. She still wouldn’t drink. By 10pm she couldn’t sleep, wouldn’t drink and wouldn’t take more pain meds so we went to the ER.

The prescribed pain stronger meds and it helped almost instantly. She ate a popsicle and drank. We got to the pharmacy and she threw up everything so we went right back to the ER. Left my house about 10:30 that night. Got home 7am the next day. Recovered nicely and followed up with pediatrician about dehydration, constipation snd the mucus they suctioned out of her lungs during surgery. He wanted her on antibiotics because of the mucus. He prescribed something she’s had before even though it’s in the same family as something she’s allergic to - because she’s done fine with it preciously. 24 hrs later her cough, which should have improved significantly by Saturday, got worse. My two year old was coughing and wheezing and terrified. I used a nebulizer and we followed up with her doc again the next day. They diagnosed croup against my gut feeling that it didn’t sound like croup. It happened again even after a big dose of steroids and we went to the ER because the coughing wouldn’t stop. They told me to wait on the docs chest X-ray, see pulmonology, and to use the nebulizer as often as she needs it until she’s properly medicated. Two more days of steroids and this kept happening. Then I remembered that she was on a mediation adjacent to one she’s allergic to. No hives but she had belly problems and the respiratory issues that weren’t improving on steroids. I called her doc and asked his opinion- he said maybe and we stopped the meds. She was better overnight but then I’d coughing again tonight. 

During this time I barely kept up with self care. I barely slept. I gave cuddles and made food and kept our routine as best as I could. And I asked her dad to let em keep her while she was having respiratory distress because he doesn’t know how to use the nebulizer, doesn’t go to appointments and has admitted to not giving meds in the past. He also has completely ignored symptoms in the past.

I am tired. Hearing her cough on our phone call worried me but it wasn’t too bad. She’d been playing hard and this definitely happens. It wasn’t anything like her overnight issues. 

I am stressed. I got a raise. I’ll be making $300 more a month but I’m losing $150 a month in food stamps.

 I bought myself earrings today. I left all my jewelry at her dads house and haven’t worn any in over a year. I had a hard time putting them in and I love them. But I also kinda feel bad for spending money on myself. Like actually on myself. Not on hygiene stuff or a hair cut but I literally bought me something. I also took an awesome bath and I’m going to paint my nails. I made beef and broccoli with fried rice for dinner and I donated blood this afternoon. Now I’m watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. Catching up on self care but not feeling okay. 

I feel depleted and sad. Actually I’m not sure it’s sadness. Just a really ugly empty feeling in my chest. I wish I could be more articulate about what I’m feeling. I wish I had somene to talk to.