Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So this is my first time posting to this particular forum. Looking for some guidance because i am contemplating doing something that may hurt some of my loved ones, however, i have lived a lifetime of of carrying this with me only to spare the feelings of those loved ones. So here goes...when i was 8 my mother's boyfriend at the time started molesting me. I knew at that age that it was wrong. I remember going to the bathroom and just crying. But he threatened me about not telling. So i didn't. The only person i told after that first time was my brother and he was 7. He didn't believe me but it was okay how could i lay that on him? So i kept my secret...for 6 LONG excruciating years. Finally when i was 14 years old my mom's motherly instinct decided to kick in and she somehow realized what was going on. She confronted the 2 of us together and all i could do was cry. Cry for so many reasons...mainly because it was FINALLY over. So i thought. My mom stayed married to him and allowed him to come home even after that. I remember having to go through video taped interviews with the police and after all that he got off with minimal probation, never had to register as a sex offender and was able to seal his records which eventually led to him and his new wife becoming foster parents. When she let him back she tried to force a relationship there but i was rebelling hard core against that. I would not allow him to play daddy anymore. I started drinking heavily at 14, became very promiscuous and started running away from home. To this day my mom refuses to see the reasons i was behaving the way i was. She just likes to say i was just running away because she needed my help taking care of my siblings. On that note my youngest sister is the biological child to my monster. So eventually because i rebelled as hard as i did i eventually drove a wedge between my mom and her husband and they eventually divorced. After that she married a man who went to prison for murder. Then she got in a lesbian relationship with a girl who was only 5 years older than myself and was horrible to me as well. She was constantly trying to pit my mom and myself against each other. Trying to make us fight and trying to get me kicked out of our house and if not she was trying to call me on to fight with me. I remember one particular time my mom beat the crap out of me while her partner stood by and watched for a few minutes before finally deciding i had enough and got my mom off of me. 24 years later they are still together. I feel i have had a good relationship with my mom in my adult years. But there have been times that i feel that my mom has judged me, criticized me, called me weak when i was not living up to her expectations or choosing to live my life the way she thinks i should. The truth is that i have been living with PTSD since i was 14. Severe...one therapist compared my PTSD with that of a veteran from vietnam. VERY severe. My most recent diagnoses have been chronic depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. Even with all my trauma i have managed to not become a drug addict, an alcoholic, or worse. I have raised a bright and intelligent and kind hearted girl who will be 14 years old this year and has been on the honor roll since kindergarten. I am the manager of a finance company and i obtained a bachelors degree in criminal justice. But to be honest something still drives me to think about things and it eats at me. I think i still hold on to some hurt from the fact that my mom continued a relationship with my monster and brought him back into our home and tried to force a relationship between us. It bothers me that he was never made to register as a sex offender and that he was able to seal his record. Something about that tells me that the only way he could have accomplished that was if my mom helped cover up what really happened. For the past several years i have contemplated taking steps to retrieve access to those records. But i have held back because i am afraid of what i will find out. If my fears are confirmed about my mom i fear that it will damage our relationship beyond repair. Also i have held back for the sake of my younger sister for as not to hurt her. But it does not seem that anyone over the years has ever cared how that has effected me. For the most part i am a strong woman and have overcome that but for some reason it keeps rearing its ugly head and i dont know how or why. My brother has become a drug addict and holds so much anger for what happened to me. He was not sexually molested by this man but he was verbally abused called such names as a pussy and a faggot and we got whipped with boards named the board of education. At this point i dont know if i am better off leaving secrets buried or if i need to finally just uncover what im pretty sure my heart already knows. I mean what good what it do? I am so lost and just need some guidance.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
Sorry fir what uve been through. Hugs.
What do you want to do?
I don't think it ever, woosh, "goes away". You will never be completely free of it. It has shaped who you are. You may think of it less often, but it is alwasy there. You have to confront it if you want to begin the process of healing, no matter how old you are. You sound as sane and rational as possible given the long road you have traveled. You sound capable of confronting your past and keeping your relationships functional. My honest advice it to get some counseling. It may take a few tries to find the right one, but find someone that walk the road with you but not enable you. Don't allow this to defeat you, or to become a reason you blame. That is when the bastard wins.
You should remember a few important things along the way. I am not a fan of "what about me" conversations. They rarely lead anywhere you have not already been. This one is different. When a child's trust is violated it runs very deep. If that child is ever going to enjoy any semblance of a happy life, if they are ever going to grow into a fully functioning adult, someone needs to apologize.
But Marie, that apology rarely comes. Few parents are truly adult enough to admit that much failure; they may not even recognize it. But my point is, keep your expectations well grounded. You will not get satisfaction from your Mom. To confront her will only make things worse. She never stood up for you then and likely won't now either.
Don't do this for her. There is no payoff. Do it to heal yourself. Leave your sister out of it. Leave your Mom out of it. Leave that bastard out of it. This IS about you.
If I were your good friend, and I have some years on you, I would tell you to get some counseling and find what closure you can. It may not be all you expect it to be. It may not be totally satisfying, but get what you can.
After that, turn this around. Go to work and be a child advocate. Make it not about you. Do not let it get the best of you. You will be glad you did.
Peace,
Many hugs.
It was too late for me. Wars are known for "rape, pillage, and plunder." At 9 our family's car was bombed, at 11 I was molested repeatedly by a military guy, and all the while my parents beat each other and me once a week or so while I was growing up.
TW
Once, my dad put my mom in the hospital overseas, but I watched as my mother, lying on a gurney in the ER, started the fight up again right there. My dad made the mistake of coming too close, and lying where she was she had a clear shot at hitting in the crotch. She took the shot expertly and he went down right there in front of all of the doctors and nurses. That fight she won. Another time, just as we were leaving the church parking lot one Sunday, my dad got my mom by the hair and beat her head against the glass of her passenger side door's window. That fight he won.
So I'm a trauma survivor in 3 categories.
My family wanted it all to be kept secret, but at age 34 I finally went for the truth. I was careful because I knew there'd be backlash, I talked it over with a therapist weekly for 6 months first. At the very least, I would end up with no family at all. Since I grew up overseas with them, my extended family on both sides in the USA doesn't know me. They know my parents, of course, and my parents would manipulate them with their self-serving stories and get me cut off from everyone, all alone. I'm not married, nor do I have children, so I do mean alone.
I chose to do it and only for my sake. Right away, my parents used the fact that I was in therapy and they weren't against me to tell both sides of the extended family that I was delusional and mentally ill. I did end up isolated. However, since it so happens that my father was a minister all the while he and my mother were doing all of this stuff, my going public got them investigated. The investigation didn't just find stuff from their past. It found that at that very moment they were committing fraud at their church, so they were the liars, not me. Their church fired them and their denomination pulled their ministerial endorsement.
The stuff hit the fan big time, then, bigger than I ever expected. No one ever got an apology, though, of course, not me, not the church, nobody. My parents retreated into their home in the States and spent their days griping to anyone who'd listen. They'd been betrayed and framed, they'd say--by me, the "crazy" lying son, by the church that fired them, by their national denomination, by everybody. Everybody else lied, never them. Right.
I'd gone public for my sake, though, because the family abuse secrets inhibited my growth as a person. I don't know if that's true for everybody, but it was for me. Once I got those off my back, I really felt like I began my life as a free man and not a hostage to all of those secrets that were never my fault anyway.
Mind you, being utterly on my own hasn't been easy. There's no Thanksgiving Dinner, no Christmas, none of that family All-American stuff, and it does feel weird on the morning of December 25th every year, I'm not going to kid you. But, speaking just for me, it's a worthwhile price to pay to live a truthful life.
My therapist asked me this question:
“What would it take for you to accept the injustices and inflictions of trauma and pain in your life, and enable you to let go of the responsibility of those who hurt you, in order to peacefully enjoy your life in the present day with out looking back yet always remembering from where your strength grew?”
Perhaps you answer after a few days of thought will help you as much as mine helped me. Triple hugs