So this is my first time posting to this particular forum. Looking for some guidance because i am contemplating doing something that may hurt some of my loved ones, however, i have lived a lifetime of of carrying this with me only to spare the feelings of those loved ones. So here goes...when i was 8 my mother's boyfriend at the time started molesting me. I knew at that age that it was wrong. I remember going to the bathroom and just crying. But he threatened me about not telling. So i didn't. The only person i told after that first time was my brother and he was 7. He didn't believe me but it was okay how could i lay that on him? So i kept my secret...for 6 LONG excruciating years. Finally when i was 14 years old my mom's motherly instinct decided to kick in and she somehow realized what was going on. She confronted the 2 of us together and all i could do was cry. Cry for so many reasons...mainly because it was FINALLY over. So i thought. My mom stayed married to him and allowed him to come home even after that. I remember having to go through video taped interviews with the police and after all that he got off with minimal probation, never had to register as a sex offender and was able to seal his records which eventually led to him and his new wife becoming foster parents. When she let him back she tried to force a relationship there but i was rebelling hard core against that. I would not allow him to play daddy anymore. I started drinking heavily at 14, became very promiscuous and started running away from home. To this day my mom refuses to see the reasons i was behaving the way i was. She just likes to say i was just running away because she needed my help taking care of my siblings. On that note my youngest sister is the biological child to my monster. So eventually because i rebelled as hard as i did i eventually drove a wedge between my mom and her husband and they eventually divorced. After that she married a man who went to prison for murder. Then she got in a lesbian relationship with a girl who was only 5 years older than myself and was horrible to me as well. She was constantly trying to pit my mom and myself against each other. Trying to make us fight and trying to get me kicked out of our house and if not she was trying to call me on to fight with me. I remember one particular time my mom beat the crap out of me while her partner stood by and watched for a few minutes before finally deciding i had enough and got my mom off of me. 24 years later they are still together. I feel i have had a good relationship with my mom in my adult years. But there have been times that i feel that my mom has judged me, criticized me, called me weak when i was not living up to her expectations or choosing to live my life the way she thinks i should. The truth is that i have been living with PTSD since i was 14. Severe...one therapist compared my PTSD with that of a veteran from vietnam. VERY severe. My most recent diagnoses have been chronic depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. Even with all my trauma i have managed to not become a drug addict, an alcoholic, or worse. I have raised a bright and intelligent and kind hearted girl who will be 14 years old this year and has been on the honor roll since kindergarten. I am the manager of a finance company and i obtained a bachelors degree in criminal justice. But to be honest something still drives me to think about things and it eats at me. I think i still hold on to some hurt from the fact that my mom continued a relationship with my monster and brought him back into our home and tried to force a relationship between us. It bothers me that he was never made to register as a sex offender and that he was able to seal his record. Something about that tells me that the only way he could have accomplished that was if my mom helped cover up what really happened. For the past several years i have contemplated taking steps to retrieve access to those records. But i have held back because i am afraid of what i will find out. If my fears are confirmed about my mom i fear that it will damage our relationship beyond repair. Also i have held back for the sake of my younger sister for as not to hurt her. But it does not seem that anyone over the years has ever cared how that has effected me. For the most part i am a strong woman and have overcome that but for some reason it keeps rearing its ugly head and i dont know how or why. My brother has become a drug addict and holds so much anger for what happened to me. He was not sexually molested by this man but he was verbally abused called such names as a pussy and a faggot and we got whipped with boards named the board of education. At this point i dont know if i am better off leaving secrets buried or if i need to finally just uncover what im pretty sure my heart already knows. I mean what good what it do? I am so lost and just need some guidance.
Do you act your age... or someone else's? https://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/age-you-act-like?origin=nofil
Going for an appt. for a consultation to see if i can be accepted to receive TMS treatment. (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.)Had to fill out a long questionnaire before i see the doctor.It was exhausting.Couple of brief questions were about past traumas.You don't have to into detail,but i was triggered anyway.Now have had horrible,looping flashbacks since i finished it....How do you cope with...