Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I couldn't take it anymore.... friends of mine (or so I thought) people I had welcomed into my life when honestly I thought I would never open myself up again simply turned their back on me. Why? Because on their wedding day I couldn't be there. Were we fighting, arguing or otherwise? No! Was there ever bad blood between us? No! I never committed to the wedding (I don't commit to anything anymore because my mind plays such tricks on me) but did say I would do my best.
Sadly, the months leading up tot he wedding were the darkest moments of my life. The day of their wedding was a breaking point for me and I found myself sitting in a dark hotel room, alone, lost, terrified, wondering if my marriage was over, and contemplating suicide!! I had never been so lost and spinning out of control. For two years my life had been spiraling out of control and this was the day when I had to decide which road I was going to take. There was no way I could be present at their wedding.
Still, I found the strength at some point to text them, congratulate them and send them my love. Apparently that offended them..... I got a reply of "thanks," and not another word since (November 15, 2014). I text them since with no reply and we attend the same church (I introduced them to my church a few years ago) but I never saw them anymore. Then one day a couple weeks ago I noticed them but they were sitting in a spot far from me, conveniently located where I would normally not notice them. This time I did and it sent me into a panic attack. Destroyed me!!!! It happened again last night and I decided I couldn't continue like this.
I text her and told her I deserve to know why she is not speaking to me and avoiding me (though I knew). She confirmed what I knew. Said that when I didn't make it to their wedding it was like a slap in the face and that "I owed them an explanation!" I don't owe anybody anything! And as a friend she knew what I was going through for years and should've reached out, replied, anything!!! Why are people so selfish?
Sadly, the months leading up tot he wedding were the darkest moments of my life. The day of their wedding was a breaking point for me and I found myself sitting in a dark hotel room, alone, lost, terrified, wondering if my marriage was over, and contemplating suicide!! I had never been so lost and spinning out of control. For two years my life had been spiraling out of control and this was the day when I had to decide which road I was going to take. There was no way I could be present at their wedding.
Still, I found the strength at some point to text them, congratulate them and send them my love. Apparently that offended them..... I got a reply of "thanks," and not another word since (November 15, 2014). I text them since with no reply and we attend the same church (I introduced them to my church a few years ago) but I never saw them anymore. Then one day a couple weeks ago I noticed them but they were sitting in a spot far from me, conveniently located where I would normally not notice them. This time I did and it sent me into a panic attack. Destroyed me!!!! It happened again last night and I decided I couldn't continue like this.
I text her and told her I deserve to know why she is not speaking to me and avoiding me (though I knew). She confirmed what I knew. Said that when I didn't make it to their wedding it was like a slap in the face and that "I owed them an explanation!" I don't owe anybody anything! And as a friend she knew what I was going through for years and should've reached out, replied, anything!!! Why are people so selfish?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I've had this happen to the point where I just don't give a shi%. I got married by a justice of the peace, two witnesses, and I wouldn't have had my parents or his parents there, except we felt too guilty to not tell them. We had 7 people there counting the JP, went to lunch, done and over---and I got hate mail up to three years afterwards about "I'm not inviting you to my wedding b/c you didn't invite me to yours".... Uh, it's one dang day, and I was trying to *elope*. By definition, I wasn't having anyone at my wedding!
Gentle support,
Leo
Here's the thing.... when I'm honest people walk away from me. When I hide the truth people walk away from me. It's a lose lose it seems. I'm so confused by this c-PTSD and friendship scenario. But aren't we all?
@ Leo - I too "eloped" to the JOP and my Dad disowned me for two years because he wasn't invited. UGH! No one was.... so silly!
I've been to far too many weddings to count.
We used to say -- just a touch tongue in cheek -- that there is no creature on this Earth more selfish than a bride.
I'm not going to bash your friend, but it sure DOES seem like she was the stereotypical bride, and that ... your absence on that day ... she took as a personal affront to her.
Which -- at worst -- should sting for a couple of days, even if you HAD promised to attend.
But to let it linger ... on and on and on ... with no apparent regard for WHY you couldn't make it .... just sucks.
It's totally "Hurray for me, and to Hell with thee." We see that all the time, don't we ??
I'm so sorry.
It comes up a LOT on this forum -- loss of our friends.
As my medical problems got worse and worse, culminating in my chemically-burned eyes and declaration of Permanent Disability, I pretty nearly lost all my friends.
I couldn't play like I played before.
And then ... as I was trying to recreate a life within my new medical limitations ... the horrors of my life descended on me*, leaving me with Complex PTSD, and the loss of ... well ... everything.
All the people I've met through my eye problems share that common story: they've lost nearly all their friends. Medical issues leave us "unpredictable" and -- as a consequence -- "undependable."
PTSD is just another medical issue. We have good days and bad. Many of us are very lucky to still be able to hold down a job.
It's yet another loss in a seemingly endless series OF losses.
And I'm deeply sorry that you're experiencing it.
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*http://nbeener.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-destruction-of-medically-disabled.html
Thank you for your post
My sister happened to get married right when I got divorced. Her wedding was a big church production, with multiple bridesmaids, limos. I was an extra in the big show, a show so expensive our parents had to take a second mortgage out on their house to pay for it.
She's divorced now, too. My wedding was more fun. And on balance, my marriage, too, even though it ended.
There's a lot of pressure on us to feel and act a certain way at events. When we're re-living some horror that has us on the razor's edge, sometimes we just can't muster the smile. I've been there.
It's so understandable that maybe that person does need to hear the truth of it all, the way donnawanda suggested. Up to you, of course.
You're not alone in this, that's for sure.
Sympathies.
One reason why I don't get along well with muggles. " Having a really bad head day," is not something they understand.
Next time, try claiming explosive diarrhea and vomiting, the latter demonstrated on voicemail by making barfing noises while throwing water into a toilet.
I feel like there's no winning..... if I'm honest people freak out and run away or they judge and turn away. No one ever embraces the truth and stays.
But anyway, I told her why I wasn't there, exactly as I laid it out here. She replied as any friend would (through text) saying if she had known she would have been there, that no one should be alone in a moment like that. That she should be a better friend, etc. But then I went one step further and told her my diagnosis the actual "WHY" I have been going through all of this and I haven't heard from her since. Here's the thing..... she has been there through most of this journey.... she wasn't unaware of any of this - just a few of the key details. However, I never dumped any of it on her, instead I "tried" to be the strong one for her - until I couldn't. I'm not trying to pick her apart or hate on her. I could never do that - I'm not here for that. Just wishing I couldn't read people so well and that people didn't continually disappoint me.... especially. Realizing through therapy that females are a serious issue in my past and my present. (Not here though... YAY) Thanks for all your feedback.
@Bluedragons..... I'm holding onto that one for later bahahaha
I do like BD's suggestion! Storing for future use....