No, my family kept us kids as hostages by moving us from one war zone to another as civilians overseas four times.That kept them away from the reach of the law and agencies like family services, and away from family members who could have intervened for us kids. They did it all under the guise of missionary work, too, although they never pitched in to help the refugees of any of the four wars.

They were vultures instead, feeding off of the casualties of war with con man angles they played, like sending fund raising newsletters back to the USA with appeals for money to help people they didn't help. In that way they were cult like, but not in one physical compound per se, rather using the war setting.

Do you ask about compounds because you experienced one? It reminds me of the Netflix tv series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt about a woman who escapes a cult.

I'm not 100% sure what I survived at the moment to be honest.

I started watching "The Followers" with my husband a few days ago (it's a show on Netflix) and started having nightmares two nights ago about being in a compound. I don't have that experience so I thought maybe my mind was just being overactive. Last night I dreamt about the Waco compound, specifically. It's the first time I've ever dreamed about the location there, however I have a LOT of family in Texas and was in the area an appropriate time to have been there.

I have a relative now who is dead but she and her husband (and one of their children) was certainly there. She was always considered the black sheep of the family.

I decided to look it up today and began seeing faces on my screen; familiar faces. I called a relative of mine to ask them about it and they have DID. They immediately flipped to the child, refused to talk, and wouldn't answer any of my other calls.

I got lost in Texas for over a year and was heavily trafficked. I know this. I remember a lot of where I've been and what I've done and I managed to let it go. Never though had anything compound related surfaced.

It's not an area of history or study that has interested me in the past so it's not like there would have been pictures floating in my head that maybe my brain decided to scramble. I've been flashbacking (literally) all day. I question whether any of it is real.

I don't know what I know, I guess I was just hoping to see if there were any Waco survivors here so I could talk to them. I don't have anyone else to ask. The people in my family that were there (for sure) are dead and the only person who knows is in her 50's but has effectively been rendered a six-year-old.

It sounds ridiculous but I have pictures of me as a very young child and thought perhaps I could reach out to them and see if they remember me. As gross as it sounds and as much as I don't want to know (because it means my memories are real and not manufactured), part of me needs to know.

I'm falling to pieces today and I'm not sure my husband has seen me this bad in a long time. He said he knew flashbacks were coming though because all of my "incoming flashback" signs have been glaring for almost a week.

I feel kinda like Peeta at the moment from The Hunger Games (real or not real?). I hate this feeling of not knowing.

I'm sorry if I sent everyone into a tailspin on this. :-\

I appreciate your guys's support.

Mujica - I've never seen Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt though I am pretty sure it's on Netflix. Do you watch it?

Also, Lilly, it might be memories. While my memories are eidetic, I'd have been very, very young at the time. I'm not sure they were stored properly enough for me to recall them, or it could be that I haven't flashed enough to have them all back yet.

I feel like I'm walking through landmines; triggers triggers everywhere! Normally I have one flashback and I won't have another for a few days. Today it's just raining; I've had more than a dozen and was even triggered at the sight of my own cat. I love my cat. I've had him since he was four and a half weeks old. He's five and a half years old now! Never once has he been a problem.

The person I tried to reach out to is still in child mode (as of an hour ago) and that worries me. I thought about reaching out to them because I feel bad but I don't think I'd get anywhere. They recently posted on a family member's post "when I grow up I want to be like you." ... The person who posted it is 50 and they posted it as a comment to something THEIR OWN CHILD wrote.

*sigh.* I think it's just one of those days.

I have had more flashbacks Lilly, but not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday I averaged about one flashback every five minutes; I've had four today. I spent a majority of my morning cleaning and my best friend came over for most of the evening. It was really nice!

I did speak to the adult today but it didn't go well. They were not the child any more but the main personality was SUPER drunk and this person asked my daughter why she didn't have school today. When I tried to remind them it was SATURDAY they told my daughter they just work so much they sometimes lose track of time. (-.-)

I got off the phone as fast as I could and then focused on having fun with my friend. I made a lot of good food, got some meals prepped for the upcoming week, and was otherwise fairly productive. Some of it felt like "busy work" but it did keep me from getting too bad.

I imagine tomorrow will be a day of rest though; I have no energy and am (literally) covered in bruises from today's physical exertions. I'm even managing to watch the TV show that triggered all this in the first place so I can't complain too much.

I'm not sure I have much to say that wouldn't be just covered in trigger words for other people right now. I've had therapists quit because my past was too much for them to handle hearing about each week, so even though I share with you all, I try to remain conscious not to share too much (if that makes sense?).