Big hug for you Alex... You have an illness and you need help... Have you been referred to someone who works with eating disorders??

It's a really serious disorder sweetie.. Please reach out for help... Big hug for you and a blessing...xo

I've got PTSD and have daily flashbacks, too. Not an eating disorder, but I'm anemic from an internal hemorrhage I've had. So that drag around feeling I am familiar with.

I'm getting help for my internal hemorrhage so I can stop being anemic from blood loss. Hope you can get help for bulimia. It's an illness like my hemorrhage is, an illness. We both need help to get our strength back. Much support to you.

You have to keep trying. You'll get better and better.

Big comforting hugs to you. You deserve to feel safe and comforted - that's my heartfelt wish for you.

Eating disorders are not easily dealt with.
So...
You need to get outside help to deal with this before it kills you.
Believe it or not you DO deserve to live, and to get better.

It's not "Wrong" to scarf down a bunch of food and toss it back up. It's just not a safe coping mechanism. In fact, it's a coping mechanism that can and probably will kill you.
Right now you have one tool, binge/purge. So naturally, you use it all the time. Until you get other skills to manage your painful feelings, you are going to keep using that one tool.
This doesn't mean you're wrong or bad or something.
It means you need a number of other coping mechanisms in your toolbox.

"Opposite action" is something that I still struggle to do, because I've been a cutter for a long time. When I want to cut, I do something nice and good for my body instead, like eat some fruit, have a reasonable amount of chocolate, stretch, do some exercise, or relax my body.
This is really hard!
Cutting myself and hitting myself works very well, it's hard not to just...start smacking myself in the face or something.

...Something to know: To stay alive, you NEED to eat a lot of bananas and cantaloupe, and NOT to throw those back up!

I also recommend you sprinkle the recommended serving size of No-salt on your food three times daily. Do NOT go overboard; in this case, more is not better.

...I don't guess you will be ready to stop binging/purging right away. I would like to ask two favors of you?
Limit binging/purging to once a day, and do keep a couple of bananas or a hearty amount of cantaloupe (your choice) down.
The other favor is to start looking for other ways to self-soothe when you're having a flashback...I like to wrap myself tightly in blankets, so I can feel my body's boundaries? I like to write the flashback out in my journal, and cry about it, and then be kind to myselfs.

You won't believe me, but you're worth gentle caring. So pretend you believe me?

You are not a f*ck up, you are sick. And like most sickness, you need a good doctor who specializes in your type of illness. No different than having a broken leg that needs surgery. I think you are on the right path, you know you need help. It is ok to ask for that help.

Big hugs

Hi Alexxxxm, your wounds are so fresh that you don't even have the benefit of time to distance yourself from it all just a wee bit. To get some perspective on the whole mess. You need someone safe to talk to. Everything you are feeling and thinking is from in the moment horrific memories that intrude into your life today. The part of you that is the young boy who suffered so terribly. Kids don't have the same coping mechanisms of adults. More limited in flexibility and thinking through processes. The part of you that is a young man has to give a helping hand to the young boy within.

Try to find someone safe to talk to. Someone who is willing to walk thru it with you for the long run. Perhaps a non profit that works with the homeless or other such agency. Where money isn't the motive for the staff who work those agencies.

You have a worthy purpose in life. You are much more than what your abusers defined you as. You are human being worthy of dignity, love, freedom and spiritual joy. Find your purpose. Reach out and touch the wonder with new eyes. Show the young boy the wonders that were denied him by abusers, abusers who blinded you in youth.

You are capable of moving forward one step at a time. It is the young boy who feels like a massive fail. Massive fail is the definition imposed on you when you were completely vulnerable. But it isn't you. The truth you need to connect with is your absolute worth. Make the connection. You are a wonderful human being who wants to walk the journey to healing.

Keep talking here. Share your pain. Discover your dignity. Many warm safe hugs.

gentle hugs, and not much to add beyond that, so.... get the help you need, okay? You deserve it. ANd no, it's not a "fail". It's a fight, and sometimes we get hit harder than others, and that's okay. Let us know how you are, okay?

Purrs of comfort and healing,
Leo

You are soooo NOT a fuck up. I know it feels that way, but really you are not. You are suffering and it's really tough to get through crap like this. What you are doing isn't "wrong" or "bad", it's just not healthy that's all.

Do you have anyone in your life that helps you with this?