7ish years ago I was on this site several times a day, it was my saviour, it really helped. Now I come and go as life treads on and respond how I would had I been here all along. I hope that's ok. What's brought me back lately has been because there is a lacking in my life and new regimen that has me floundering in a way. My dad passed away last November and the summer before that we were fighting. Realistically I know several months of fighting doesn't erase the many years we weren't. I just am a little stuck on the fighting and numbed out because feeling the guilt and regret makes me a huge ball of tears and goo that just hurts too much to feel. Truth is he is the only one I wanted in my life as far as family of origin is concerned and truth is that just because my mother was mad and possibly drunk one night she told him that I wasn't his daughter..she recanted but the fact that I'm the only blue eyed blonde fair skinned person in the family that recant doesn't hold much against one mad comment. 

So I'm floating by with my family of choice and loving them to pieces and so grateful. I've also come to peace that I could give two shits if my siblings kick rocks or are happy, sad....who cares. Man that was a hard one for me too because my sister and I were so tight, she was my best friend for years. It's funny how much you don't see about a situation when you're too close in it because the flaws in our friendship are loud and clear now...she still is a good person deep down but I'm not her train wreck station anymore. My brother is decent too but his healthy grasp on independence was making it so all my moms crap was solely my problem to bear and I got pissed off and became a flying monkey for her and ruined it. I can see what I've done to myself and have apologized for it but I'm still at ground zero minus a brother. Good job me ugh. 

My mom started my ptsd trail, she was a ball of anxiety due to her own upbringing and was a tornado of emotional abuse my whole childhood, the anger oh my god was the worse. Walking on egg shells and always catering to her and her wants. I felt like a failure the first time at only 4, my first memory. So when I was fighting with my parents last summer it was because of her and my sister but my dad was collateral damage and I'm struggling with resenting her and trying to be there for her. More times than not I want to run away but my guilt of her being alone and sad lonely and depressed keeps me stuck.