I remember when PTSD first hit the diagnostic manuals. I was a kid.

Weirdly (or not?) I know exactly what you mean by
^it^. My own efforts have been like channel surfing at high speed through both my perceptions and my reactions and my expectations and all that. The Courage Channel gives way to the Fuc* That Channel to the I'm An Idiot Channel...

I want to de-isolate (?! neologism) but some situations feel better far away.

Thems my thoughts. No pennies for them required.

Just support.

I was trying to understand what you were saying, it seems Leo's comment helped me understand

I am assuming you are talking about intrusive thoughts, almost like your brain forms an obsession with self-deprication. Let me know if I am wrong.

After EMDR, I am now able to control it and get it to calm down by changing the thoughts I have. Sometimes it can take up to 45 minutes to an hour before reframing my thoughts actually takes effect.

Before EMDR I was not able to do this because it was a direct response to my nervous system. I think on a psychological level our brains want to heal, and want to understand what happened so the intrusive thoughts work as a survival technique to try and get you to not make that mistake again even though you had nothing to do with what people did to you and the trauma that happened.

For instance when I was groomed yet again by a guy at work. I suffered from intrusive thoughts "Your stupid" "You shouldn't have trusted him" "You deserved this" "Why don't you listen to your gut" "This is the same thing that happened to you when you were raped by a sex offender" "your a f***ing idiot". I wanted to turn to isolation. I started to label myself really awful things. This survival technique while rather bad and awful led me to believe that if I isolate myself from others this wont happen again.

To counter these thoughts I would say to myself "I am good", "a lot of people have been misled by others, it's not just me" "I am strong for what I had to endure", "It takes a certain mental toughness to endure what I did"

Some days are worse than others. I am sending you my support. I have found inserting humor into my day also helps.

If this wasn't a helpful post I am sorry.

thank you, leo. i was 20 odd years into my psychotherapy before either ptsd or emdr hit the professional journals. names for ^it^ still don't feel stable enough to hang my mask on.

pineapple, you are close and possibly even spot on. it was VERY helpful because diversifying the vernacular often helps me gain new perspectives.

in my old world therapy terms, thought loops are intrusive thoughts which repeat themselves relentlessly. in my visualization exercises, i visualize my thought loops with NASCAR racing events, complete with painted bimbos on the sidelines vendors in stands selling hot dogs and roasted nuts to the spectators screaming for blood. for this go-round, i might substitute the vendors for masked mandators selling loaded hypodermics and covid test kits. the engines are still running their tight loops and the crowds are still screaming for blood. preferably explosively burned blood.

reframing, such as you did with your office groomer and positive affirmations, such as telling myself i am good, usually work well when i can catch the episode at the intrusive thought stages. this covidic strain of isolation feels like a new can of psychoworms. WTF am i dealing with here?

Before my PTSD diagnosis was finally correctly made, I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, arfie. It bugged me that I was misdiagnosed at all, of course. It made a certain kind of sense, though, in terms of the extremes I'd survived as a missionary kid in a war zone and how simply telling a therapist the facts of my life could be taken for mood swings. From what I know from learning about your life's journey over the years, I can imagine the same might have happened to you, too, I don't know. In any event, I admire how steady you are daily here at DS and really thank you for how you share here in ways I can relate to.

thank you, muji.

my own manic depression/bipolar wasn't a misdiagnosis so much as it was working with what was available. every one of my shrinks knew it didn't quite fit, but we couldn't afford to wait the extra 25 years for the ptsd diagnosis to become available. i have zero doubt i would have short-circuited while i waited. i still use many of the tools i learned in bp therapy and often miss my fellow beepers. i continued using the beeper support network until the started demanding med compliance in the early 21st century. at the very least, ptsd is a malady of extremes.

my very first official dx was, "civilian shell shock," but that was trashed when the radical shrink who put me in his combat shell shock therapy group cycled out of the army. i sure wish i could remember his name. i bet his name was on that first ptsd article published in house at the VA in 1992. for sure, he was a man ahead of his time. i call him "hawkeye" in my journal. the donald sutherland hawkeye. alan alda (the tv hawkeye) was cute as a bug's ear, but donald sutherland he weren't.

Big hug Arf of peace and calm... I have that diagnosis as well.... Sometimes the manic does seem more like panic to me

These sure have been strange years... It's hard to believe how long it's going on for

I'm still not quite sure what's what with me..... I sort of go with treating the symptoms as they pop up

I hope that you can feel some calm soon sweetie.... These feelings suck.... xo

thanks, jan. peace and calm sorely needed, though i do seem to be calming. still not ready to try again on the socializing, but calming. some. the fact that i am so active in socializing with the foster kids that i don't believe i am really isolating too deeply. kids are so-o-o-o-o much easier to understand than grown-ups. funner, too.

my give-a-damn about adult-only world might be officially busted. they can take care of themselves and the past two and a half years have made it abundantly clear that the majority of adults don't care about children. the exceptions can find me at the real-time playground.