Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you enjoyed it. I got a lot of cleaning done. And it's been quiet. So I'm happy with that.
But I am also very emotional. I know I've been updating about my situation. But my brain is been so in such a fog that I don't remember what I wrote last.
I know I mentioned going to rheumatologist but I feel like I just need to tell you exactly how all of this makes me feel. And exactly what it is brought up for me.
Yesterday I saw a rheumatologist. After telling him about my symptoms, he said I don't sound like I have rheumatoid arthritis or any other auto immune disorder. He said in all likelihood I'm suffering from fibromyalgia. He is sending me for tests just to make extra sure but all of my symptoms fit with fibromyalgia.
I grew up with a father who had rheumatoid arthritis. Until I was 12, he was fine. A great dad, strong, my hero. Just before I turn 12, he started having pain in his wrist. Less than two years later it had hit his entire body and he was completely disabled. The man I knew it was gone.
He also became very abusive. I vaguely remember him being that way with my mom when I was a kid. But he treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Until he had rheumatoid arthritis.
For the first two years of his illness, he relied on me heavily. He was able to handle his self care but when it came to getting himself out of a chair or off the couch or up from a laying down position, he had to rely on me. I remember being 12 years old and every day, my father would call for my name 10 to 15 times a day to help him because he couldn't do something. My mother never helped him or me.
When my dad developed rheumatoid arthritis, I lost my childhood and my family.
During the time when he relied on me, I remember thinking, "I hope this never happens to me." So when my doctor suggested I see a rheumatologist, the kind of doctor that's been my father's doctor for 25 years, I felt a combination of numbness and panic.
For the week and a half leading up to the appointment, I was in a complete fog. I think I still am.
Deep down, I felt like I didn't have rheumatoid arthritis. I was relieved about that. I'd seen exactly what that disease does to the human body. I don't have those symptoms. But the idea of living with chronic pain, especially at a young age like my father, it's terrifying. Especially if you were already witness to it as a child.
Its my worst childhood nightmare come true. My whole life since my father's condition started, all I wanted was to make sure that I was nothing like him. Vioent, abusive, mood swings, and physically disabled. I'm not him. I'm not violent or abusive. I have mood swings but I never take them out on anyone or anything. I deal with them. I know I'm not him. But this is still a completely overwhelming diagnosis. And I'm exhausted. I just needed to say all of these things.
So what now? I continue with physical therapy, finish the bloodwork to confirm the diagnosis, and start learning as much as I can about fibromyalgia and how to deal with it. I've already been doing that but I just started. I'm just so freaking overwhelmed.
I can't. Living is exhausting. I don't want to be a part of living when my two favorite people are gone. they both went to a place I can't follow them.last year, October 25, 2018 my grandpa passed away. My rock, the only person I felt like I could trust, slipped away in a painful way. He had dementia and was constantly getting sick from his weakened immune system. Dementia is a HUGE part of my...
Unbelievable.There was a knock on my front door this morning and as I assumed it was either the mail woman or my oil delivery man I went down unconcerned, opened the door wide with a smile and he walked past me and was in my sitting room checking my chimney before I could even register that it was the guy who had terrified me a couple of weeks ago. He told me he had cleaned my gutters at the back...