Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you enjoyed it. I got a lot of cleaning done. And it's been quiet. So I'm happy with that.
But I am also very emotional. I know I've been updating about my situation. But my brain is been so in such a fog that I don't remember what I wrote last.
I know I mentioned going to rheumatologist but I feel like I just need to tell you exactly how all of this makes me feel. And exactly what it is brought up for me.
Yesterday I saw a rheumatologist. After telling him about my symptoms, he said I don't sound like I have rheumatoid arthritis or any other auto immune disorder. He said in all likelihood I'm suffering from fibromyalgia. He is sending me for tests just to make extra sure but all of my symptoms fit with fibromyalgia.
I grew up with a father who had rheumatoid arthritis. Until I was 12, he was fine. A great dad, strong, my hero. Just before I turn 12, he started having pain in his wrist. Less than two years later it had hit his entire body and he was completely disabled. The man I knew it was gone.
He also became very abusive. I vaguely remember him being that way with my mom when I was a kid. But he treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Until he had rheumatoid arthritis.
For the first two years of his illness, he relied on me heavily. He was able to handle his self care but when it came to getting himself out of a chair or off the couch or up from a laying down position, he had to rely on me. I remember being 12 years old and every day, my father would call for my name 10 to 15 times a day to help him because he couldn't do something. My mother never helped him or me.
When my dad developed rheumatoid arthritis, I lost my childhood and my family.
During the time when he relied on me, I remember thinking, "I hope this never happens to me." So when my doctor suggested I see a rheumatologist, the kind of doctor that's been my father's doctor for 25 years, I felt a combination of numbness and panic.
For the week and a half leading up to the appointment, I was in a complete fog. I think I still am.
Deep down, I felt like I didn't have rheumatoid arthritis. I was relieved about that. I'd seen exactly what that disease does to the human body. I don't have those symptoms. But the idea of living with chronic pain, especially at a young age like my father, it's terrifying. Especially if you were already witness to it as a child.
Its my worst childhood nightmare come true. My whole life since my father's condition started, all I wanted was to make sure that I was nothing like him. Vioent, abusive, mood swings, and physically disabled. I'm not him. I'm not violent or abusive. I have mood swings but I never take them out on anyone or anything. I deal with them. I know I'm not him. But this is still a completely overwhelming diagnosis. And I'm exhausted. I just needed to say all of these things.
So what now? I continue with physical therapy, finish the bloodwork to confirm the diagnosis, and start learning as much as I can about fibromyalgia and how to deal with it. I've already been doing that but I just started. I'm just so freaking overwhelmed.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
We've come a long way from those days fortunately but it's a very hard illness to have still
I'm so sorry that you were treated so badly when your father was sick.... xo
Continued support while you process the latest developments, SS.
Im sorry you were trigger by the rheumatologist appointment. It sounds like it was very hard to lose the loving dad you knew to this debilitating disease. Triple hugs
Surgery done, I turned to therapy next to work on my mind in the next step toward prevention. I had to forgive myself for inevitably being like my father, since he and I shared DNA. The first step was to break off contact with him so we'd stop the dance of anger, something I did more sadly than in anger. My therapist never met my father, but he still put forward the theory that my dad's blackout rages were a symptom of a mental illness he never addressed. That made sense to me since he always had amnesia about his violence after every episode--real amnesia, not a cover up.
Finally, that approach expanded to my mom, too. Once again, my therapist never met her, but he put forward the theory that my mom's cold, hateful manipulation of how violence took place in our family was an untreated symptom of mental illness, too. In her case he conjectured that the mental illness might have been borderline personality disorder.
These ideas helped me approach their violence as mental illness and forgive them as sick people, not just evil people. It also helped me forgive myself for not being able to stop their violence. Only a mental health psychiatrist or therapist would have been qualified to do that, and I was just a kid.
Lastly, these ideas helped me forgive myself for loving my parents still in spite of not being in denial about the damage they did to me and to each other. I was their kid, not their doctor.