I start seeing a new counselor next week.

life living with my parents has been intense. I made a lot of excuses for them. 

Ive been busy standing my ground, being the Mom I want to be despite what they think. I didn’t settle for compromising my integrity or my kids safety just to keep a job and consequences of that are tough but not unbearable. I also start a new job next week. It pays more and my kids will be in a safer daycare. I would’ve started this week but they’re sharing a highly contagious viral infection that’s brought on a full body rash and mouth ulcers. My throat is now sore. It’s expected to last 7-10 days. The fevers are gone but symptoms are worse. They see Daddy tomorrow. I’ve given him all the instructions doc gave me and I’ll have them back at 4.

All this time and he only wants them four hours a week. 

****TW*****

I went back to the house yesterday. This is my last month on the lease and I just wanted to get things that I hadn’t gotten previously. Found some concerning things but the biggest shocker was pornography on the table. On the table. I asked him to be sure to put it away some place nosy toddlers won’t find or reach it.

Changing subjects but also under the TW umbrella, I’m not handling these changes well. I can admit some of his actions and words were abusive. I know my older sibling was abusive. That was not normal sibling stuff. Siblings don’t try to kill you or use you to explore their curiosities. That’s not normal. My parents who knew about a lot didn’t do much. I never really thought they could do anything to control him but now I understand they’re a big part of why he is the way he is. Or was the way he was. Maybe he’s changed. Don’t know don’t care to talk to him. My problem in all this is that I’m a common denominator. Are my parents really unreasonable? Where is the line between controlling and concerned? One is authoritative, the other passive aggressive, but if there are no questions to ask or nothing happening they’re perfectly fine and kind. They’re not bad people. Do I feel like everyone is out to get me? Do I have a distrust of all people or is it just people like them?

I’m struggling so hard with that. Am I the issue? Did I ruin the marriage? I’m eager to see the new counselor but terrified she’s going to tell me I suck at being human. 

I’m eager to get out of this house, found a program that helps single moms and have left three messages now. No return phone call. It’s a Christian organization. I’m getting baptized next week. It just seems like it might be a good opportunity and I’d love to know what they offer. I’m a little mad they haven’t called back. Kinda bizarre, the organization here that helps DV victims has a career specialist who also failed to follow up. That’s really sad. Organizations that say they help people really ought to do better about helping people. My advocate with that program was great and couldn’t apologize enough. She helped me figure out how to apply for childcare coverage and took over the role as much as she could but there were connections this lady had that would’ve been very good for me. I know had I contacted her I wouldn’t be starting the job I’m starting and it’s such an amazing blessing on so many levels so it worked out and I’m sure this awful need to move before I’m ready will work out somehow too.

I find myself feeling paranoid that my parents are in my phone bc Dad stopped asking questions, because Mom says things they imply she knows any details when she doesn’t. Those are unrealistic thoughts. My mom decides in her head what the story is for everything. It’s frustrating to feel this way.

i don’t think this post could be more unorganized. Lol I’ll quit while you’re all confused