Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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onlyup 07/13/2011

So I am so confused as to what to do. My boyfriend and me have lots of good times when he is not busy with gigs or practice for his 2 bands that he is in. I have heard that it takes a special woman to handle a musician and his passion of music. You will never really be at the topof there list. So through therapy coming to grips of who I am and what I want. I am the kind of person that needs attention as in touch,compassion and understanding. All my life I was never good enough for people they like to let me know that.. So when he told me I was not doing enough to heal because I did not do what he thinks I need to do. It through me for a loop. I go to counseling, PTSD groups,and here. If I had the money I would go to an outpatient treatment but I dont. He told me atleast 6 times if I was not happy he would understand if I left. He loves me and wants to be with me but would understand.. I also like to have a drink everyonce in awhile and when I do he treats me like I am a terrible person because he is an alcoholic. I go to all his shows video tape them take pictures for there website. I am like the den mothers for the bands, make sure they have fluids and snacks. I help him put up his equipment and tear it down with him. He also DJS and does sound for other bands, I go to all of those. He tells me he wants to just have fun not any of the relationship crap. Which includes listening to me when I have a bad day.But I am there when he gets back from his regular 9-5 job and listen to his day. When he is not doing all that he is on the computer or doing something else because he is so busy.He does not want to see me cry when I have a flashback.Then asks why I dont tell him whats going on. There is a big part of me that thinks I should go out on my own so that I dont have to worry about healing at anyones elses pace. But I am a little scared. I just feel that he can live with or without me and that hurts. Is anyone else going through this dilemma or just have some encouragement. He is a nice guy but its all about him.Not sure where I fit in.

deleted_user 07/13/2011

Oh Onlyup, I am sorry you are going through this. WIth all due respect, you need to take care of yourself and not have to worry about not healing fast enough for someone. I also understand having pain thinking the other person is indifferent as to wether you are with him or not. My father was a musician until he was maybe about 50 yrs old and I remember growing up always feeling we were last on his list of priorities. It was his drinking and gigs and even his dayjob that kept him busy all the time. My mom voiced it often that she felt she just didn't matter to him. Musicians life is a tough one to live with. I hope you can work things out, but please make yourself and your healing a priority. We cannot always give and give and never get support back. God bless and I hope I haven;t offended you. Just want you to be ok.

chynablue 07/13/2011

No no no. A musician's life does not have to be that way. It is up the the man, not the music. My husband is a musician and his music is not first because my husband has his priorities straight. It does not stop him from being successful with his music, it actually makes him more successful.

My top priority is myself, and my husband's top priority is himself. It seems selfish, but it is not. If we don't take care of ourselves and our own needs we can't be of much use to anyone else. The next priority is our marriage, then our family, then work (can't do much without money for food and shelter), then music. With this priority structure, we try to keep everything together and stable and strong with balance and communication. It sets a foundation for his music to really flourish, along with everything else.

Onlyup, you deserve support, compassion, understanding, and attention. It seems like he doesn't know how to be supportive of another person. He just wants to push you through the healing ASAP so it will go away; that way he doesn't have to deal with it. PTSD is not a broken bone. You can't just put a cast on it and wait 6 to 8 weeks. As an alcoholic, it seems like he would know that...

It seems you are giving more than you are receiving, and he is plugged into his music, not the relationship. Emotionally unavailable. Would he be willing to go to counseling with you?

deleted_user 07/13/2011

Just had to add yes I agree with Chynablue, priorities must be straight. My Dad is now sober for 12 years and is a commited Christian. He is still a misician, but he has dedicated his music and talents to God. My Mom does come first NOW and if anything happens to any of us he runs to help us. I think with him it was more the alcohol than anything, but my perception as a child was that it was because of his music he was a way so much. Take care of yourself

onlyup 07/14/2011

Thank you so much.Those were my thoughts exactly and decided either way I am worth more than that. I have not talked to him yet because his grand daughter is visiting from out of town for 2 weeks. It might happen anyway just have to see what feels right. Thanks again.

deleted_user 07/14/2011

My brother is a musician. He has told me throughout our adult life that he consciously made the decision to have music come first. He didn't marry until he was 56 because of this. He chose not to have children nor a family because of his committment to play music. He now has a wife who can take care of herself very well and yet they have learned to love and share life together.

Your man seems to have a similar mentality to my brother. He really doesn't seem to be giving you enough for the relationship to be healthy. He probably means well, but the situation is broken anyway. I think you're giving too much, not getting enough back which in itself would be bad but on top of that he's making demands on your healing process that are just rediculous. I really want you to hear that. It's rediculous for him to have any kind of time table around your wounds and healing. That's not how it works. Your healing needs to be supported on your terms. It's obvious on your post that your trying very hard. Is this not obvious to him? If it isn't then you've really got to look into yourself and make your committments and expectations that are best and healthest for you.

You know I have this brand new relationship with a man after more than a decade of being alone. Only after a week and a half and I find myself struggling and half the time uncomfortable. One of the specters that comes to me is giving up and then I have to be alone again. I just got this relationship and I don't want to be alone again. So what I'm trying to say is that I understand how hard it would be to give up on your relationship with your guy. Life can be so damm hard when you just want a few things to come easier. So you have to make your priorities and see how you and he fit together if you're really going to be in a healing place. Lot's of tough decisions to make. I hope you decide to do what is best for you. Take care.

nelliefay 07/14/2011

sorry you're not getting the support you need and deserve from your boyfriend. How can someone not let you cry? That must feel hideous, when all you want is care and compassion. There's no rules and no timetable to healing, there's no set number of times you're allowed to talk about it all. It doesn't work that way. sounds like your boyfriend is selfish. Sorry to say it. Good luck with whatever you choose with him.

deleted_user 07/15/2011

I would try to get him some help and if he doesn't want it then you have to decide what's best for you

deleted_user 07/15/2011

I hate to break it to you, but you are NOT in a healthy relationship. He just wants to have fun without having to deal with "relationship crap"?!? ALL relationships take hard work! He isn't mature enough to be in a relationship, ESP since he can't be emotionally supportive. My advice? Leave him. You need someone who can be supportive.

onlyup 07/21/2011

Thank you everyone for yor advise. I was already thinking that way. Sunday i was emailing a friend and she asked how I was doing and I wrote I am trying to figure things out. I had not told her what was going on. She immediatley told me I could come stay with her in Oregon. She is grieving because her husband just died a month ago. She said I can stay as long as I want too.Helping her around the house could be my rent. She is older and has some difficulties.Ithanked her and explained if I had the money I would but it would cost about 200.00 because I have a Bronco.So a day later her and her son who I have known forever made sure to pay for my trip. Everyday now we talk and are all excited. I will be leaving Friday , tomorrow.Its suppose to be for 2 weeks but I think I will be staying and leaving my man. I love him but reality is that I need to heal with compassion and acceptance. Love too.. Our prioriies andways of living life are so different. I am nervous, it will be good for me to be with my two best friends that care about me. compassion and all that stuff.I am going to listen to my head not my heart. Or my blame it on myself,feel soorry for him for having to put up with me set of mind. I could never treat him the way he has treated me. Soooooooo I could use some prayers good thoughts and advice. Thank you everyone.

deleted_user 07/21/2011

It seems like a really healthy, self- loving decision. Best wishes to you for putting yourself first!

onlyup 07/21/2011

Thank you.......

chynablue 07/21/2011

I'm sorry your friend's husband died. I think you could be a great source fo support to her, and vice versa. Its like you were looking for a way out and one was provided for you. It sounds awesome! Keep us updated :)

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